


Comfort Zone

by decadent_mousse



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Accidental Cuddling, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Bonding, Cats, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Panic Attacks, Pining, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Sharing a Bed, Sleepovers, Slow Build, Spiders, Stargazing, Walks In The Park, canon-typical creepiness, dodgy eating habits, grocery shopping as an evasive maneuver, in the sense that Josh was rescued, just a little bit though, like he should have been goddamn you, the watching of really terrible movies, they aren't a big part of the fic but they are there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2018-05-15 10:19:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 48,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5782369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/decadent_mousse/pseuds/decadent_mousse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris, Josh, and Ashley try to pull themselves back together and work out how they fit into each other's lives after the events of the game.  It gets complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this for awhile, and at last I am ready to release it into the wild! It's going to be a bit of a slow burning thing, but this is eventually going to be an Ash/Chris/Josh fic. 
> 
> I don't have a specific updating schedule in mind, but I have a lot written already, and I'm hoping between that and working on it more as I go that I'll be able to keep up a fairly steady pace. That being said, I _am_ in the process of moving more than halfway across the country and shit happens, so bear with me!

Chris hated when people didn’t answer the phone.  It wasn’t that he was impatient, really, it just gave him too much time to think.  It had never really been much of a problem before, but now he kind of dreaded it. 

It had been a little less than four months since that last fateful trip up to Blackwood Pines.  A little less than three since they'd gotten Josh back and managed to find a way to get the wendigo  _ out _ of him.  It’d nearly killed him -- as if the trauma of turning into a flesh-eating monster wouldn’t have been bad enough -- so maybe it was too soon to expect him to eagerly jump back into the swing of things.  Maybe it was too early to expect the others to forgive him, even if Chris had.

Josh had been sick and grief-stricken, and sure, that didn’t excuse any of it -- it had been wrong and fucked up, but they were partially responsible for that.  What had happened to Beth and Hannah had been a terrible accident, but it was still an accident they probably wouldn't have had if not for that goddamn prank.  Had he been angry about what Josh did?  Yes.  Did he understand  _ why _ he had done it?  Also yes.  

Had they all deserved it?  Maybe not, but they weren't exactly blameless, either.  And Chris... he hadn't even been in on the prank, but if he hadn't been passed out in the kitchen maybe he could have done something to help. 

He didn't expect everyone to just forget what Josh did, but...

At the end of the day it was still  _ Josh _ .  The same guy he'd sat next to in class pretty much every day since third grade.  The guy he'd had sleepovers with every week, whose bed he'd fallen asleep in -- whose pillow he'd drooled on for years.  The same Josh who'd punched a kid once for making fun of Chris for not having a dad.  The kid who had teared up, a little bit, the first time Chris' mom had hugged him and told him he was like a second son to her, then tried to blame it on seasonal allergies.  The Josh that had done what he'd done a couple months ago had been the product of grief and stress and mental illness and none of those things were Josh’s fault.  They were things -- hard things -- he'd had to deal with alone, and part of that had been by his own choice, but part of that had been because none of them had paid close enough attention to see it until it was too late.

He was Chris's best friend.  It wasn't a matter of feeling like he  _ had  _ to forgive him -- it was a matter of  _ wanting _ to forgive him.  Wanting to be there for him.  He was just kind of bummed that nobody else seemed to feel the same way.  Sam asked about him, from time to time, but never visited.  Mike and Emily -- surprisingly enough -- had called to check in a few times between them, but that was about it.  Ash had come over a couple times to hang out and Josh had sequestered himself in his room the each time.

"I'm not feeling too great," he'd say.  "Tell her I said hi, though."

Deciding to call Sam had been a kind of spontaneous decision on his part.  He hadn't talked to her much since… everything.  He'd only even seen her once or twice since they'd gotten Josh back.  He wasn't sure if it was him or Josh she was avoiding, or both, but it seemed to be exclusive to them -- Ash and Mike saw and hung out with her regularly.

He could understand why she might want to dodge him, but it still hurt.

He wanted to reconnect.  He knew Josh probably would like to see her.  Part of Josh's problem was his depression and the whole wendigo thing, sure, but isolating himself wasn't helping.  Maybe it'd help cheer him up a little to see another friendly face.  Him and Sam had always been close.  So yeah, he did sort of have an ulterior motive, but he really did want to see how she was doing.  Chris and her had been close, too.

Key word, of course, was "had."

It was going to be awkward, there was no getting around it, but Josh couldn't just avoid all his friends forever.  Maybe some things couldn’t be fixed, but it was better to find out and get it over with, wasn’t it?  

He didn't realize until his pulse jumped with every ring of the phone that Josh might've not been the only one avoiding Sam.  The phone rang, and rang, and rang… then rang some more.  It was like it was giving him as much time a possible to reconsider calling at all.  Eventually the voicemail picked up.  

_ “Hi, this is Sam’s phone.  Leave a message and I’ll call you back.” _

“Sam, hey, it’s… me,” Chris said awkwardly.  He always hated having to leave messages, especially when what he had to say was really something that needed to be said to a  _ person _ not a machine.  “Uh, I’d been thinking about you a lot lately, wondering how you’ve been.  I was thinking maybe we could get together some time and--”

There was an abrupt noise on the other end of the line.  

“Chris?”   


“Sam!  Hey!  How’s it going?”

“It’s… going.”  She sounded tired.  “How have you been?”

“Uh, not too bad.  I was wondering if maybe you’d like to come over some time?”  Well, that had been about as subtle as a blow to the head.  “It’s been awhile since we’ve hung out, and I know it’d mean a lot to Josh to see you.”

He heard her sigh.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“You know why.  I can’t just-- I can’t forget about what he did.  I can’t just act like it never happened.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Chris protested.  “I’ve just forgiven him.  He was sick, and I’m not saying that excuses what he did, but he's been through a lot."

"We all have, Chris.  A lot of it  _ he _ put us through."

"Well,  _ we _ didn't get left to die," he retorted, unable to keep the accusation out of his voice.  

Sam was quiet for long enough that he started to think she'd hung up on him -- and he wouldn't have blamed her if she had.  Mike and Sam had gone into those mines to find Josh, and only Mike and Sam had come back out, but Josh wouldn't have ended up in the mines at all if Chris hadn't left him in that shed in the first place.  He was angry, but it wasn’t entirely directed at Sam.

"I know."

"Look, I'm sor--"

"Uh, look," her voice trembled, "I have to go.  Take care of yourself, okay?"

The line went dead before he could say anything else.

Well, that had gone well.   


He’d really hoped he’d be able to convince her somehow.  Josh spent a lot of days sleeping more than anything else.  Even when he woke up long enough to watch some TV, he didn’t seem to really focus on it much.  It had him worried.  Was it the depression?  Was it some leftover wendigo thing?  Was it the extended stay in the hospital  _ after _ the wendigo thing?  Was it  _ all _ of those things?  Something else entirely?

He was back in therapy and he was trying some new meds, Chris knew that much, but Josh hadn't offered him more information than that, and he hadn't wanted to push.  Were they helping?

He didn’t know, and in all honesty he wasn’t sure whether or not Sam coming to see him would have done much good, but it had to be a step in the right direction.  Until Chris had screwed it up.

“Well, that was painful to watch.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin and spun around guiltily with the phone still in his hand.  

Josh was leaning in the doorway to the kitchen.  “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop.  I just got hungry.”

“It’s okay.”

“How is she?”

“Alright, I think?  I mean, we’re all a little bit screwed up, but I think out of all of us she’s probably handling it the best.”

“Sam’s a pretty tough cookie.”  There was a wistful tone to his voice that really made Chris wish he’d found a better place to make a secret phone call than the kitchen.

“Josh--”

“Don’t.  Look, I-- appreciate what you were trying to do, but you can’t blame her for not wanting to see me.”   


Chris gave him a reassuring smile.  “She’ll come around.”

He shrugged.  “Maybe.  Maybe not.  Either way, bugging her about it isn’t going to do any good.”

“I just thought… I don’t know, man, that seeing a friendly face might help.”

“Help me or help her?”

“I dunno.  Both, maybe?”

“I don’t think I qualify as a friendly face anymore.”  He gestured at the left side of his face.  “Figuratively or literally.”

“Dude--”

“Is there any pizza left in the fridge?”

Chris frowned, but he let him change the subject.  “There might be.  Whether it’s edible or not is another story.”

“It hasn’t been in there that long.”

“It’s been two weeks.  It’s probably growing intelligent life even as we speak.”

He’d been meaning to throw it away for a couple days, but with school and work keeping him burning at both ends, he kept forgetting.  Even on a good day, remembering to clean out the fridge wasn’t his strong point.

Josh rubbed his face and opened the fridge.  “Two weeks?  Really?”

He couldn’t really blame him for having a lousy sense of time.  He was having a hard time with it lately, too.  Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion or moving too fast.  Sometimes a day felt like ten days and other times a week felt like two days.  If he hadn’t had a regular class schedule to keep him on track, he’d probably be just as bad about it as Josh was.  Insomnia was a bitch.  So was hypersomnia, if Josh’s state was any indication.

“I’ll make some mac and cheese.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I  _ want _ to.  I’ve been craving it all day.  Now sit down and let me feed you.”

Josh grinned at that -- a genuine albeit tired grin -- and Chris’s heart did a little flip of triumph.  “Whatever you say, Mom.”  He pulled out a chair at the table and sat.  “So, uh, how was school and work and stuff?  Did you have a good day?”

“Don’t know if I’d call it  _ good _ , but it was alright.  I took three different tests on two hours of sleep, but I pulled it off.  Also I sort of have… a date… tomorrow night.”

“With Ash?”

Chris opened a cabinet and pulled a battered box of macaroni off the shelf.  “Y-yeah.  I mean, I’m not sure if it’s really a  _ date _ .”

“How can you not know if it’s a date?”

“Well, she asked me if I wanted to go to a party with her.  I mean, that’s not necessarily a date.  We’ve gone to lots of parties together.”

“Bro,” Josh groaned, “how much more is it going to take for you to realize Ash is crazy about you?”

“No, I get it, I just…  Things were a little weird for awhile, after everything that happened.  We both had a lot of stuff to deal with, and we sort of just… put it on hold, for awhile, so now I’m not really sure where that leaves us.  We haven’t really talked about it much.”

“Well, maybe now’s the time to talk about it.”

“Maybe.”

There was a lull in the conversation, and maybe it was just the intoxicating smell of Easy Mac going to his head, but:

“Would you… like to come?”

Josh gave him a look.  “I think you’re missing the whole point of a date.”

“Well, even  _ if  _ it’s a date, it’s also a party, so there’ll be other people there.  I figured, you know, you could get out, mingle a bit.  Meet new people.”

Josh circa 2006-2014 had liked parties.  He was beginning to wonder about Josh circa 2015.

“I’ll… think about it.”

The hesitation in his voice told Chris he’d already made up his mind, and he resisted the urge to push.  He didn't want Josh changing his mind because he felt bad about saying no, he wanted him to go because he  _ wanted _ to go.  He was bummed, but he was trying his best to give him time and space.  He just wished he knew if giving him time and space was actually helping or not.

He was looking for his car keys a couple hours later when Josh emerged from his room, dressed like he was ready to go somewhere.

"I thought you--"

"The invitation's still good, right?  You didn't call up Mike or someone to be your wingman when I said no, did you?"

"No," Chris smiled.  "Like I'd ever do that.  You know you're my number one wing-man, bro."

Josh grinned back, and it didn’t quite reach his eyes, but he’d take it.

~

The party was about a thirty minute drive.  Not as close as he or his beat-up car would’ve liked, but not far enough way to be too inconvenient.  It gave them time to talk, and they did -- about movies, video games, teasing remarks about whether Chris was nervous about his date. It was almost like old times again.

"Are any of the others gonna be there?" Josh asked, casual-like, but Chris could hear the tension in his voice.  

"Just Ash and us, bro.  Nobody else we know.  I mean, obviously, I know the guy who invited us, but you don't.  And I wouldn't say I know him all that well, like, he's just a guy I talk to in class sometimes, that’s it."

Josh smirked at him, and it was like his nervousness had evaporated.  "Oh, so it's a  _ nerd  _ party."

Chris snorted, but didn’t deny it.  It was basically true.  

By the time they reached the party, Chris was more sure than ever that inviting Josh had been a good call.  He was a social creature and this "hide in room, talk to no one ever" thing he'd been doing for months couldn't have been doing his mental health any favors.  He was already acting more lively than Chris had seen him in ages.

"See?  What'd I tell you?"

"Not bad for a bunch of programming geeks."

The party was a little bigger than Chris had expected when his classmate had said he was "having a few friends over."  They even had a DJ.  

"Is Ash here yet?" Josh asked.

"I don't know, I don't see her.  She's probably just running a little late."

"Maybe you should have picked her up.  It's a maybe-date, after all."

"Well, that would've been great if I'd thought about it, like, an hour ago," Chris groaned.  "Okay, I'll go get us something to drink while I regret my life choices."

"Sounds good."

They had beer, but it was cheap stuff that Josh would probably snub.  He went for the "punch" instead, took a tentative sip to see how strong it was before he filled a couple paper cups for the two of them.

Someone poked his lower back halfway through the filling of Cup Number 2 and he looked over his shoulder.

Ash smiled and waved at him.  "Hey."

"Hey!"

"Sorry I'm late.  My car's been dying a slow death and didn't want to get going.  Figures it would pick the night of a date to die on me completely, so I took the bus."

Date.  It was a date.  He tried to contain his reaction, because between him, Ash, and Josh, apparently he was the only one who hadn’t been sure if this was a date or not.  He was excited but also a little embarrassed with himself.

He could practically hear Josh’s “I told you so.”

"You should have called me, we could have picked you up."

Ash's face lit up.  "'We?'  You were able to talk Josh into coming?"

"Yeah, he's over--" It took him a couple minutes to spot him in the crowd.  Mainly because he'd moved to the edge of it and was looking... nervous, and not like he was having a good time, "--there," he finished, halfheartedly.  “Uh, I’m going to go take him his punch, alright?  I’ll be back in just a sec.  Don’t go anywhere!”

“Well, I  _ was _ going to stick some breadsticks in my backpack and leave,” Ash said, gesturing at the platter mournfully, “but okay.”

Chris laughed and hurried back to where Josh looked ready to bolt.  “Dude, are you alright?”

Josh shook his head, looking downward like he was hoping the floor would swallow him up.  "I'm sorry, I can't--"  His voice cracked, and Chris was pretty sure his heart cracked along with it.  "I can't do this."

He was freaking out.  Chris wasn’t sure  _ why _ he was freaking out, but that was secondary to getting him away from whatever was upsetting him.  "Okay, we can leave.  Just let me go tell Ash--”

"No!" Josh exclaimed, startling Chris.  "Look, just... stay.  Enjoy your date.  I'll walk home."

He frowned, "But--"

"Don't ruin your night because of me.  I could use the time alone, anyway.  To clear my head, you know?"

“Are you sure?”

“Totally.  I’m-- I’ll be fine.  I just really need to get… out… of here.”

“Call me when you get home, okay?  So I know you aren’t face-down in a ditch or something.”  He’d meant it as a joke, but it fell flat. 

Josh nodded hastily and all but fled in the direction of the door.  Chris stood and watched him go, deflating a little.  He’d been surprised when Josh had agreed to go in the first place.  He figured once they got there, he’d… what?  Immediately spring back to his old self?  He groaned, feeling like an idiot.  He’d pushed too hard.  He hadn’t meant to, but he’d still fucked up.  

He made his way back to the table with the punch bowl and snacks, where Ash still stood and the breadsticks remained unmolested.

Her face fell as he approached.  "It's me, isn't it?  He left because of me."

" _ No _ ," Chris said, putting a hand on her shoulder.  "He's been having a hard time around people lately.  They stare -- or he worries they will -- and it makes him uncomfortable.  He doesn't really do crowds much these days.  It’s not you, really.”

At least, he was pretty sure it wasn’t her.  Josh had known she was going to be there when he’d agreed to go.  He’d seemed fine with it.  Why wouldn’t he be?

"That's so weird," Ashley said.  "Josh loves people.  I figured he’d have fun."  She sighed and peeked around Chris' shoulder in the direction Josh had taken off in.  "Is he going to be okay?"

"I think so.  It's not that far of a walk, and he seemed like he wanted the time alone."  

"That's not what I meant, Chris, I mean-- is he going to be okay?"

He wished he knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably cover how Josh got cured of the wendigo thing at a later date. For now please just accept that Something was done and everything worked out (more or less) fine.
> 
> This is also based on an ending in which everyone survived, so you can expect appearances from the rest of the gang here and there later on!
> 
> Also this fic is going to address some things, like depression, anxiety, and dealing with traumatic events. It's going to have a lot of fluff, don't get me wrong, but it might get heavy in spots. I want my kids to be happy, but I wanted to address the issues they have to work through, and a lot of this fic was born out of wanting to convey that people with mental illness, who have been through a lot of difficult situations, deserve to be happy (and CAN be happy) as much as anyone else does, and that it's okay to look to people around you for support, and it's worth hanging in there. And these notes are getting too long and sentimental okay bye. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

Josh didn’t get out much.  After he’d first moved in with Chris, he hadn’t gotten out  _ at all  _ \-- he’d holed up in his room for days, only coming out when Chris coaxed him out with promises of food and Netflix.  It wasn’t even that he didn’t want to go out.  Staying inside drove him nuts, but going outside meant being around people and being around people meant getting stared at. 

Like he’d gotten stared at last night, about two seconds after he’d walked in the door at that party. 

He knew the scars were bad.  He saw them every morning in the bathroom mirror.  They looked better than they had in the beginning, but corrective surgery had only done so much and he still looked like something out of a fucking horror movie.  Chris, bless his golden nerd heart, never gawked at him the way everyone else did.  The few times his eyes had landed on the scars, he’d just looked -- like he’d look at anyone else.  It sometimes made Josh want to lock himself in the bathroom and tear his face off, but that was his problem, not Chris's.  

So yeah, he wasn’t a big fan of public spaces these days.  If he went out, he generally tried to avoid people as much as possible.  He went to the grocery store with Chris once a week and that was pretty much it.  That is, until a few days after the party debacle they pulled up in front of an animal shelter instead of the grocery store.

"What're we doing here?"

"Well, they're having some kinda cat event or something and I was thinking... maybe we could get one?"

It was phrased like a question, not a statement, and Chris was looking at him hopefully.

Josh laughed.  "You want a cat?  Since when?"

Chris ducked his head sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck.  "Well I read a thing online about how getting a pet can really help with post-traumatic stress and even anxiety and-- and depression, stuff like that."

"So you don't want to get a cat, you want  _ me _ to get a cat."  

He sank into his seat and stared out the window.  He knew he sounded sullen and pissy, but he felt a little bit like he'd been tricked into this.  Just like he felt a bit like he'd been tricked into going to the party.  He knew it wasn't rational, or even true, and he knew it wasn't fair to Chris, but it was how it felt.  Especially hot on the heels of that meltdown at the party.

"Did you call in ahead of time to let them know you wanted to get a cat for your crazy friend?”

"Hey!" Chris said sharply.  "It wasn't-- hey.  Will you please look at me?"

He glanced at him, warily.  "Okay."

"First of all, you're not 'crazy.'  I don't think it and nobody in there is going to think it.  Second of all, the cat won't just be yours, it'll be  _ ours _ .”

Josh rolled his eyes.  Chris was trying, he really was, but he was trying a little  _ too _ hard and he was tired.  He was tired and he just wanted to go home.

"Let's just go look, okay?  We're already here, so... let's check it out, and if none of them catch your eye we can just go home."

He wanted to argue.  He was feeling irritable and some dark, nasty corner of his brain wanted to lash out, pick a fight, release some energy so he felt less like a bomb ready to go off.  He knew it wouldn’t help, though, not really, and it’d just hurt Chris’s feelings, which wasn’t something he ever wanted to do on purpose.

"You know I don't like going into places with a lot of people,” he said instead.  

"I know, but... you can't just avoid people for the rest of your life.  Well, you  _ could _ , but you'd be depriving the world of the Josh Washington experience."

Chris smiled at him, and there was so much affection in his eyes it made his chest hurt.  He was just trying to help, and Josh didn’t have it in him to say no.  He could at least look around a little, for him.

"Alright, lead the way.”

~

He felt naked and exposed the second he walked into the cat shelter.  He could feel people staring.  Without really consciously meaning to, he found himself reaching up and rubbing at the scar that stretched across his left cheek -- the spot that had, not that long ago, in the grand scheme of things, still been split wide open to accommodate sharp jagged teeth.  Nobody there knew that, of course, except Chris.  It probably just looked like someone had gone to town on his face with a knife and had been really messy about it.  

He put his hand down and hoped it just looked like he’d been scratching an itch or something.  He’d been picked on often enough as a kid to know that showing any sign of insecurity around people was like blood in the water for anyone who might decide to be an asshole about it.

“You okay?” Chris asked softly.

Anxiety and a fuckload of anger -- not directed towards anyone in particular except maybe himself -- coiled in his stomach and for a second he felt like he might throw up.  

_ No.  No, I’m not _ .  “Yeah.”

Chris didn’t look convinced, but he let it go.  “I’m gonna go talk to the people from the shelter real quick.  Do you--”

“I’ll just wait over here,” he interrupted.  

The last thing he wanted to do was walk towards the cluster of people a few feet away.  Especially when several of the people over there kept not so subtly glancing over their shoulder at him.  The flight or fight instinct was pretty strong -- he wanted to either run out of the store or yell at someone, but he couldn’t do either, so instead he tensely walked away in the direction of the cats.  

They weren’t confined like cats usually were at places like this, and he couldn’t help but think that was a disaster waiting to happen if someone walked in with a dog at the wrong time.  The cats, though, seemed more or less content to stay in the small area full of cat posts and other things that had been set up for them.

He didn’t get too close.  He’d gone to Ash’s house with Chris one time, a few years that felt more like a lifetime ago, and tried to pet her dad’s cat.  It had scratched him all to hell, and he’d laughed it off once the bleeding had stopped, but he’d always been a little wary of cats after that.  

_ Well, you know what they say: cats can sense evil,  _ his brain helpfully supplied.

_ Fuck off, _ he responded.

This whole thing was a terrible idea.  If he had that kind of luck back then, how would one act around him now that he was a wendigo?  Reformed wendigo.  Recovered wendigo.  Whatever the fuck he actually was at this point, because he had a hard time believing a person could come all the way back from… where he’d been when they had dragged him out of the mines. 

The lights in the shelter felt too bright and a dull ache was starting to throb behind his eyes.  He was tired and he just wanted to go home.  Chris would just have to live with the disappointment.  He was probably getting used to it by now.

He felt something brush against his leg.  He glanced down at his feet.

The cat was a weird combination of orange and black that there was probably a name for, but fuck if he knew what it was.  It was a little bizarre looking.  Its coloring, though, wasn’t the only eye-catching thing about it.  

It looked like something had gotten a hold of it by the head at some point.  One of its ears was split from the tip to nearly the middle, and it had scars across the top of its head on that side and Josh couldn’t tell if they were from teeth or claws, but whatever it was had definitely been trying to kill it.  The scarring sweeped down from the top of the head and across one side of its face and looked like it had only narrowly avoiding taking out one of its eyes.  

“Guess I’m not the only one who’s been through hell, huh?”

It stared at him with bright green eyes.  He felt like he was being sized up.  It didn’t look very impressed with what it saw.

“Hey, you’re the one who walked up to me.  I was just minding my own business.”

It kept staring at him expectantly, like it wanted something.  He shrugged and bent down to pet it, figuring the worst that could happen is that it might bite or scratch him.  Compared to everything else he’d been through recently, that’d be pretty mild.  It didn't bite or scratch him.  It let him rub behind its good ear and run his hand down its back, which was more than any other cat had ever let him do.

"Looks like you made a friend."

He looked up to see Chris standing there, smiling down at him.

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Do you like him?"

"He's alright, I guess.   _ He  _ came to  _ me _ , I was just standing around.”

"Maybe he chose you.  Maybe it's fate."

Josh rolled his eyes and gave Chris an amused look.  "Cat destiny?"

"Weirder things have happened,” he replied, and Josh couldn’t really argue with that.  “So… do you want him?"

He glanced back down at the cat thoughtfully.  He hadn't really had a chance to look at any other cats before this one had come along. Mostly because he hadn't really been invested in the whole getting a pet thing.  But… the cat did seem nice.  He would’ve been okay with walking away empty handed, but he knew Chris had his heart set on getting a cat, and he wasn't sure that it was one hundred percent just for Josh's benefit.  

Chris had been acting a little weird, and Josh -- who was a professional at acting a little weird -- was pretty sure something was bugging him, he just wasn’t sure exactly what.  He knew he hadn’t been sleeping much, and when he did he made a lot of noise.  Nightmares, probably.  Hell, they probably all had enough nightmare fuel to last a lifetime.   


“Alright.”

Chris blinked at him in surprise.  “Really?”

“Did you want me to say no?”

“No!  Okay, then.  So.  I guess this is our cat, then?”

He looked back down at the cat, who was looking at them both curiously.  

“I guess so.”

~

The cat sat in its carrier in the back seat on the drive home.  Josh kept feeling like she -- because it was a she, not a he, apparently -- was being watched and every time he glanced over his shoulder the cat was staring at him between the slats of the carrier.  She didn't look pissed about being in there, just sort of carefully neutral.  Like she was trying to figure out what was going on or quietly plotting their murder.  

When they got home Chris put the carrier on the floor and opened the door latch.

He gestured at their living room.  "Welcome to your new home, uh, Buttercup."

"Do we have to call her that?"

"It's her name, man, she’s had it her whole life.  We can't just change it because it's a little--"

"--stupid?"

"Dorky.  Come on, Josh, don't be mean.  You'll hurt her feelings."

The cat slinked out of the carrier, glanced at the two of them, and walked away.  She looked at a few things around the room before disappearing into the hallway, ignoring them completely.

Josh side-eyed him.  "I don't think she really gives a shit."

“Buttercup?” Chris called.  “Are you… coming back?”

They stood there for a few minutes.  Buttercup didn’t come back.

“Well, this is off to a great start,” Josh said, finally.

“She’ll warm up to us.”

“Right.”

“I guess tomorrow, we’ll… go out and get a litterbox and stuff?”

“Shouldn’t we have done that  _ before _ we got the cat?”

“Uh, maybe.”  Chris rubbed the back of his neck.  “Look, it was kind of a spontaneous decision to even go to the shelter.  I’d been thinking about it for awhile, but I hadn’t really decided on anything for sure until, like, twelve hours ago.   _ And _ I wasn’t sure if you’d go for it, so I figured there wasn’t any sense buying a bunch of stuff for a hypothetical pet we might not even end up getting.  She’ll be fine.  You know, if she has to go sometime before then, we’ll… walk her, or something.”

“Walk the cat,” Josh chuckled.  “Sure.”

“Whatever, at least they gave us some food.  The rest we can figure out in the morning.”

“Fair enough.”  He was tired, anyway, and running out to buy a litter box at ten pm wasn’t really high on his list of things of priorities.  In fact, his to-do list only had one item left on it: sleep.  

~

Which worked out well for about three hours before Chris’s frightened shouting woke him up from a dead sleep.

“God!  Fuck!”

Josh was up and out of bed before he was even really awake enough to process the difference between a dark apartment and the dark tunnels of a mine.  He threw open his bedroom door and flipped on the hallway light.

"Chris?!"

Chris's back was pressed tightly against the wall.  He looked white as a sheet, eyes wide and frightened, chest heaving.  And at his feet was the goddamn cat, staring up at him and swishing its tail playfully.

Josh stared at the cat, then back at Chris.  Chris stared back, looking ready to either pass out or pee himself -- if he hadn’t already done the latter.  

He started laughing.  He couldn’t help himself.  

Chris glared at him.  "It's not funny, you asshole!"  But then he started laughing, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think it needed to be said, but my beta kept insisting Buttercup was creepy and not to be trusted, so to clarify: the cat is not evil. The cat is just a little shit.
> 
> Though I personally would have chosen a pet a little less likely to attack me in the dark at random, but we all make mistakes, haha.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it's been over _three months_ since the last update, and I'm really sorry for that. I've been writing this fic like a fiend (my gdoc is up to 40k), but I've had a hard time concentrating on actually editing it due to stress from moving more than halfway across the country and a bunch of stuff going on. Here it is, though, finally, and I'm hoping to get updates out a little more frequently from now on, though I can't promise anything!

Ashley had just sat through what had to have been one of the most awkward lunch experiences of her life.

Ever since her dad had heard about what happened -- which had been impossible to hide with the whole thrilling saga plastered across every Canadian news channel for two weeks -- he'd been bugging her about it, wanting to know more about what happened, asking if she was okay…  She knew he meant well, but it felt invasive and nerve-wracking and it made her uncomfortable to be around him.  She didn't want to talk about what happened.  It's not like he'd believe any of it anyway.

He hadn't asked many questions about it at lunch, but he had wanted to, and it had made things tense.  Ash didn't like tense.  She especially didn't like it between her and her dad, who she usually _enjoyed_  spending time with.  She appreciated the concern, but she was getting tired of being asked if she was alright.  She was tired of getting asked about what had happened.  She just wanted to forget about it and get on with her life, and the constant probing wasn’t really helping anything.  If anything it made her feel  more anxious not less.  

Any time she hung out with Chris or any of the others, it felt like a breath of fresh air because they were  _ literally _ the only people who didn’t ask her about what happened and how she felt about it all the time.  Probably because they wanted to forget about it just as much as she did.

She smiled, thinking about Chris, and their date, and their… possible second date?  He had texted her earlier to invite her over, and she wasn’t sure what to think.  Was he inviting her over to his apartment considered a date, or just a hanging out thing?  

He answered on the second ring.  “Ash, hey!”

The sound of his voice on the other end immediately lifted her spirits.  "Hey, I just got home a few minutes ago.  I figured I… could head on over there, now, if you want?”

"Yeah!  I’m here, Josh is here, we’re all… here.  How’d things go with your dad?  How’s he doing?”

"I wouldn't know," she sighed.  "He was more interested in talking about me."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"You know he's probably just worried about you, right?  My mom was kind of weird about it at first, too."

“Yeah, I guess, it’s just kind of frustrating, you know?  It's been months.  I just want to move on.”

They both fell silent.  Of course Chris knew.  His mom was overprotective even on a good day.  Her reaction to what had happened had been practically nuclear.  Ash was kind of surprised she hadn’t wrapped him in bubble-wrap and locked him in the basement.

"Uh, so…  Hey, in other news, we got a cat."

"A cat?  Doesn't Josh hate cats?"

"What?  No!  Why would he hate cats?"

"Spot attacked him that one time, remember?”

"That was years ago, Ash.  It's not like he's holding a grudge against all of cat-kind."

_ Yeah, because Josh holding a grudge would be so out of character. _

She immediately hated herself for thinking it.

"So," she said, not wanting to derail the conversation, "when did this happen?"

"Last night."

"And how's your cat going to feel about me coming over?  It hasn't even had a chance to get to know _you_  yet."

Chris sounded amused.  "You're worried about the cat?”

“It’s one of those things, Chris!”

“What do you mean?  What kind of thing?”

“Whether someone’s pet likes you or not is a big deal.  Getting shunned by an animal is like… one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and getting shunned by your  _ boyfriend’s  _ pet is even worse.  I want to make a good first impression.”

There was a weird noise on the other end of the line and then Chris said, carefully nonchalant, “So… boyfriend, huh?”

She hadn’t really thought before she said it, she’d just sort of… said it.  Now that it was out there, she suddenly felt anxious.  She was also really, really glad he couldn’t see her face over the phone.  “Well… yes?  I-I mean-- unless…”  

“No!  No, I mean, I just wasn’t sure--  We’ve only been on the one date, technically, so I didn’t really--  I thought you had to go on a few dates before you could be considered someone’s… someone.”  

Josh snorted in the background so loudly she could hear it even over the phone.

~

She’d only been to Chris and Josh’s new apartment a few times, and she hardly ever saw Josh when she was there.  Most of the time she'd only catch a fleeting glimpse of him slipping in or out of his room like a particularly antisocial ghost.  Occasionally there might be a mumbled hello.

"Try not to take it personally," Chris had said once.  “He’s not really into socializing these days.”

On the list of things she took personally in regards to Josh, being a little rude to her when she came over was pretty low on the list compared to getting strung up in front of a circular saw.  Not that it didn't sting, a little.

This time, not only was Josh more present, he was the one who opened the door.  She hadn't been prepared for that.  It was probably the most direct interaction they'd had in months.

"Uh.  Hi.”

"Hey.”

He clearly felt as awkward as she did, which made her feel a little better about it.  She tried to remind herself that this was still Josh.  

She wanted to forgive him.  She wasn't sure if she could, but she wanted to try.  They'd been friends, before all this.  She knew Josh hadn't been in his right mind when he did what he did, and that didn't excuse it, but... it counted for something.

“So,” she said, trying to break the ice, “sorry I missed you at the party the other night.”

“I got, uh, sick.”

“Sick.”

“Yeah, it was a mess.  Projectile vomit, it was bad.”

It was such a blatant lie, compared to some of Josh's previous lies, but she was willing to let it slide.

“Chris said the two of you had a good time, though, so the night wasn't a total loss, right?”

She looked at him carefully, trying to get a read on him, listening for a note of jealousy and not finding it.  He just sounded tired.

“Yeah,” she said, finally.  “We did.”

“Good.  That’s good.”  He leaned in conspiratorially.  “Just between you and me, I think he could stand to get out more.”

“I hear you guys got a cat?”

“Oh, yeah, she’s a handful.”

“What do you mean?”

“Chris didn't tell you?”  He leaned in the doorway, a smile tugging at his lips.  “She attacked him last night.”

“What do you mean ‘attacked?’”

“I mean, he was on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night and she pounced on him.  Nearly scared the piss out of him -- like,  _ literally _ .”

She covered her mouth with her hands and felt a little bad for the laughter that threatened to bubble up.  “Oh no.”

“Oh yes.  And when we woke up this morning the right arm of the couch was torn to shreds.  Chris is still trying to stuff the, you know, stuffing back in it.”

Somewhere from inside the apartment, Ashley heard something that sounded like “god fucking damn it.”

“Didn’t you guys buy her a scratching post or anything?”

“Haven't had a chance to.  At the rate we’re going, she’ll probably destroy the apartment or give Chris a coronary before we get to the pet store.” He looked over his shoulder, then back at her.  “Come on in.  Seeing you might boost his morale.  Just be careful, the cat’s on the prowl.”

She stepped inside the apartment, on the lookout for the cat and Chris.  The latter, she spotted right away.  He was sitting at the left end of the couch with handfuls of fluff.  Josh hadn't been exaggerating -- the arm of the couch was a mess and Chris didn't look a whole lot better.

"Hey," she said, with a small wave.  "Think you can save the arm?"

"I'm thinking about amputating it," Chris sighed, glaring down at the couch.  He looked up at her and smiled tiredly. 

"Where's the infamous cat now?"

"She was in the kitchen last I saw, but she could be anywhere now.  She's like a ninja."

“Lucky for you, I have some experience with this.”

“Hiding cats or ripped up couches?”

“I can find the cat.  You’re on your own with the couch, sorry.”

“I kinda figured.  Be careful, though, seriously.  I can’t promise she won’t claw you if you try to grab her.”

She patted him on the shoulder and headed toward the kitchen.  It was empty, which she’d kind of expected.  The cat was probably still trying to get a feel for the apartment, which was what Ash felt like _she_  was doing, moving from room to room looking for the cat.  

“I’ll check my room,” Josh offered, splitting off down one end of the hallway as Ash peeked down another.  “Chris’s room’s down that way.”

“I’ll go check it out.”  

It was gone in a heartbeat, but she could have sworn Josh smirked.  “Yeah, you do that.”

She hurried down the hall, cheeks burning.  Hopefully Chris wouldn’t mind her popping into his room.  It wasn’t like she was going to go rifling through his drawers.

His room was… about what she would have expected.  There was some book about computers lying open on his desk, probably for school.  A couple sweaters and shirts that had been tossed towards the closet and left on the floor.  She scanned the room.  On the one hand, it felt wrong to disturb anything, but on the other hand, she had a cat to hunt down.  She made her way over to the desk, just to make sure the cat wasn't hiding somewhere underneath it.  A t-shirt had gotten draped over the back of the chair there, and she spent thirty seconds longer rubbing her hands against it than was necessary to move the chair over for a better look.

Nope, no cat.   


She cleared her throat and walked over to the closet.  The door was ajar, open just wide enough that a cat could've easily slipped in if it was determined enough.

She carefully opened the door and peeked inside.  The closet was only slightly less of a disaster zone than hers was.  A couple battered cardboard boxes sat at the bottom with several layers of clothes haphazardly piled on top.  A few dressier articles of clothing were hung up above that -- mostly shirts.  She grabbed a pencil off Chris's desk to gently poke the clothes on the bottom with.  The cat could be hiding in there, and if it was she didn't want to end up on the receiving end of a cranky cat.   
  
The pile of clothes didn't react, so that was a bust.   
  
The only place left to check was under the bed.  She got down on her hands and knees and craned her neck to peer underneath.  For as messy as Chris’s closet was, she'd half-expected the underside of his bed to be just as bad, but aside from a pair of shoes and a small cardboard box, the area was clear -- both of clutter and cats.   
  
She heard the floorboards creak.

"Well, she's not in my room," Josh said.  "Any luck?"   
  
"No," she sighed, pushing herself up off the floor.  "But there's still a couple places I could--"   
  
A loud yell came from the living room, along with a string of muffled curses.   
  
Josh looked over his shoulder.  "I think Chris found her."   
  
They quickly made their way back to the living room to find Chris sitting on the floor, scrambling backwards on his hands and butt away from the couch.  "She's under the couch!"   
  
"What happened?"   
  
"She slapped at my ankle.  When I reached down and tried to grab her, she..."  He lifted a hand, which had rows of red, angry looking welts across the top of it.  It didn't look like it was bleeding.

Ashley knelt beside him and took his hand, examining it.  "She didn't break the skin.  You probably just scared her."   
  
"Well, at least now we're even.”   
  
He blinked at her, and she realized she was still holding his hand.  She realized that, and  _ he _ must've realized that, but she kept holding it and he didn't pull it away.    
  
"I know how to handle cats," she said, giving his hand an affectionate squeeze.  "So I can probably get her out from under there without getting maimed."   
  
"Right.  Okay.  Just be careful."   
  
His fingers trailed across her hand as she pulled away, like he was reluctant to let go, and her pulse sped up a little.

She smiled at him.  He smiled back.     
  
"Uh, sorry to interrupt your moment," Josh said, "but there's still an angry cat crammed under the couch."

Ashley turned towards the couch and lowered herself onto the floor to peek under it.  There wasn't a whole lot of space, but there was enough.  It was dark, but she could see the vague outline of a furred body and the gleam of a pair of eyes.   
  
"Hey there,” she said gently.  “You can come out. Nobody's going to hurt you.”   
  
The cat emerged and she stared.   
  
"Probably should've warned you," Josh said.  “She’s kinda a mess.”

"She's beautiful," Ash said, because it was true.  The scars had startled her, but underneath that were a dazzling pair of green eyes, and her markings were gorgeous.  "What's her name?"

"Buttercup."

She laughed.  She honestly couldn't help it.

"Hey, it wasn't a name we picked."

"I kinda like it," Chris said.

"Yeah," Ashley replied.  "I think it suits her."

"Well, good, because she won't respond to anything else."

"Honestly, she only responds to _that_  like... half the time.  She's--"

"A free spirit," Josh interjected.

"--stubborn."

"Well, that too."

"Cats are inquisitive," Ashley said.  "They like to explore, and hunt.  Especially when they're bored.   _Especially_  at night."

"Great.  So how can we keep her entertained so she doesn't pounce on us in the middle of the night?" 

"Let her pounce on you in the middle of the day?" Ash offered.

Chris frowned.  "Very funny."

"I'm serious!  Cats need an outlet, you know?  Otherwise they get bored, and when they get bored they get mischievous."

"So basically they're the animal equivalent of Josh."

Ashley laughed before she could stop herself.

"Hey, watch it, bro," Josh joked, "I know where you sleep."

The atmosphere in the room relaxed, and it started to almost feel like old times again.  Almost.

"Well," Chris said, "we need to go get a litterbox and stuff anyway.  Maybe we could get some toys for her at the pet store?"   
  
Ashley stared at him in horror.  "You don't have a litter box yet?"   
  
"You don't even have to say it," Josh said.  "We already found out how badly we fucked up there this morning."   
  
"Anyway, we'll probably go out later after you leave."   
  
Ashley shrugged.  "Why wait?  I wouldn't mind going with you guys."   
  
Chris brightened.  "Really?"   
  
"Yeah, sure.”  She looked at the demolished couch.  “Besides, I really think you could use the help."

~

Lucky for Chris and Josh, she’d had enough pets throughout her life to know where most of the good pet stores were.  Neither of them had ever had a pet -- at least, that she knew of -- so they really, truly needed the guidance.  She could deny that it felt kind of nice to be needed.  Especially for something as mundane as kitty litter and cat toys.  It was refreshingly normal.

"You know,” Chris said, “they gave us some supplies when we adopted her."

"Yeah, but that's just basic stuff.  She needs more than that.  Didn't you do any research or anything about cats before you did this?"

"A little here and there.  Honestly, it wasn't something I really thought through all that well."   
  
"You're not having second thoughts, are you?"   
  
Chris wouldn't be the first person to ever take on a pet he wasn't actually able or willing to deal with long-term.  It was sad, but it happened -- the fact that there were so many cats to adopt in the first place was proof of that.  Buttercup had clearly been through a lot before Chris and Josh had gotten her, and animals who'd been traumatized or abused in the past weren't always the easiest to live with.   
  
"No!  I'm not, like, thinking about taking her back to the shelter or anything.  I'm not going to give up after one bad night.  I just wish I’d planned it out a little better, that’s all.”   
  
"Good.  I personally think you'll be a great cat dad."   
  
Chris laughed incredulously.  "Did you seriously just use the term 'cat dad?'"   
  
They wandered down the aisles for awhile, systematically going through each one just in case there was something they might need that none of them had thought of.  She'd lost track of Josh early on, but Chris didn't seem too worried.

“He’s around somewhere.  We’ll find everything faster that way, anyway.”

And probably even faster if the two of them split off in different directions, but Ash was enjoying the time spent with Chris too much to suggest it.  She was willing to spend a few extra minutes looking around.

They were almost to the other end of the store, and Ashley was fairly confident that between them and Josh -- who they'd bumped into a couple times briefly along the way -- that they had everything they needed.  Now she was just kind of idly browsing.  If she were being honest, she was a little reluctant to end the search.  It wasn’t exactly the most glamorous of date settings, but she was having fun.   
  
She found herself scanning a shelf of shampoo for the third time.  Most of them were for dogs, but a couple were for cats -- but she seriously doubted a bath for Buttercup was in the cards any time soon.  She'd probably slice Chris to pieces if he tried.   
  
She felt Chris walk up behind her and lean over her shoulder to get a closer look.   
  
"So, do we need any of this?"   
  
Ash tried not to overreact to how close he was, which -- of course -- meant she was overreacting.  She tried to calm her racing pulse and did her best to seem nonchalant.  "Umm, I don't think she's going to let you shampoo her any time soon.  And cats are pretty good at keeping themselves clean, anyway, so… probably not.”   
  
"Oh.  Good.  So, I guess… we should probably go find Josh and get out of here.”

“Yeah.”

He didn't back away, though, and she was more than okay with that, because she didn't really want him to move.  This close she could feel the warmth radiating from his body.   
  
She half-turned to face him, smiling up at him.  "So."   
  
"So," he said.  "I really appreciate the help, Ash."   
  
"Oh, it's no problem.  It's fun."   
  
"Wandering around a pet store for an hour is fun?" he scoffed.   
  
"It is when it's with you."   
  
He grinned, blushing.  "I feel the same way."

Josh's voice came, slightly muffled, from the next aisle over.  "Jesus, just make out already."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this chapter ended up way longer than previous chapters. Hopefully it'll make up for the long wait, though!

Things improved after the trip to the pet store.  It didn’t happen overnight, but… gradually things got better.  Not just in regards to Buttercup, either, though Chris was definitely glad the late night ambushes had started to trickle off.  Josh was warming up to Ash.  Whenever she came over, he actually would come out of his room occasionally and socialize a bit.  He was even starting to warm up to the rest of the world in general.  He left the apartment occasionally, even if it was mostly just to go pick up his prescriptions and grab some groceries.  It wasn't much, but for Josh it was a huge step upward in relation to holing up in his room for months.  

Getting a cat had been a lot more hectic than Chris had expected it to be, but it had still worked out pretty well.  Even if they’d had a shaky start, it was having a positive impact on their lives.   
  
Waking up with something heavy and dark sitting on his face, though: not so much.   
  
"Mphhbbp!” he sputtered.   
  
Buttercup meowed indignantly and someone snickered softly.  For a brief, hysterical moment he thought the  _ cat  _ was laughing at him until he heard Josh say, "Don't move.”

Then he heard the snapping sound of a phone camera.

"I'm posting this on Instagram."

"Thanks a lot," Chris said, or tried to. Around a mouthful of cat fur it came out more like "thanffalof."

He reached up and grabbed blindly at Buttercup, lifting her off his face.  She meowed loudly and glared down at him imperiously.

Josh was cracking up.  "I think she's starting to like you."   
  
"I couldn't  _ breathe _ , Josh."   
  
"If she'd really been trying to kill you, you wouldn't have woken up."   
  
Chris glared at him.  "Thanks for that."   
  
Josh grinned and Chris couldn't stay irritated for long.  It was nice to see him smile, even if it was at his expense.

~

The drive to school always felt surreal.  It wasn't anything he could put his finger on, exactly, it just felt.  Wrong.  Weird.  Like at any given moment he’d wake up and still be sitting in a basement with a broken leg.  Maybe that was normal, after everything that had happened.  A person probably couldn’t go through the things they’d all been through without being a little screwed up.  Somewhere between deciding to shoot himself in the head and getting chased down by an angry wendigo, that night he'd sort of accepted the fact that he was probably going to die.  Then against all the odds he'd made it out alive, and he wasn't sure what to do with that after the fact.  

He’d pretty much given up on life in the span of a single night, then accidentally survived.  How was a person supposed to just… go on with their life after that?  It'd get easier, right?  He'd gotten through it, and now he just had to move on.  That's what everyone else was doing.  He wasn’t sure why he was having a harder time with it.  

It would've been a lot easier if he could actually get some sleep.  He tossed and turned most nights, and the times he  _ did _ manage to fall asleep…  Well, they weren’t pleasant.  At all.

Listening to the professor drone on about computer science was almost hypnotic.  He was tired enough -- desperate enough -- that he almost thought it'd be worth missing the rest of the lecture to risk a nap.

His eyes burned.  Maybe if he just closed his eyes for a few minutes...

Someone slammed something against a desk somewhere in the room and jolted him back to the waking world so hard he thought his heart was going to jump out of his chest and go sprinting out the door.  He looked around frantically until his eyes fell on the book someone nearby had just dropped onto their desk.  

Wow, overreaction much?  His cheeks burned in embarrassment.

If anyone had noticed his aborted nap and subsequent freak-out, they were too polite to say anything -- or too focused on their work to give a shit.  Either way, he was grateful for it.  He took a deep breath, flipped open his textbook, tried to focus on the words and not on the frantic hammering in his chest.  Eventually he felt less like he was going to pass out, but he felt nauseous.  

He wondered if he could get away with leaving early.  He suddenly just wanted, really badly, to go home.  His whole body felt like a giant exposed nerve.   
  
When Ash texted him after class, asking him if he wanted to catch a movie, he said yes.  Anything to take his mind off whatever the hell had happened during class.  Besides, time spent with Ashley was always a plus.  

~

Josh was rummaging around in the kitchen when he got home.  "Where do we keep the pop-tarts?"   
  
"Same place we always keep them.  The cabinet by the fridge?"   
  
"I looked there already.  There's nothing."   
  
"That's because you ate the last of them.   _ And _ forgot to add them to the grocery list."   
  
"We have a list?" Josh joked, even as he grabbed a pen and scribbled a sloppy "pop-tarts" on the magnetized pad stuck on the fridge.  "Should add beer while I'm at it."   
  
"No, you shouldn't."   
  
"Fine," he sighed theatrically.  “So what are we gonna do tonight, Brain?”

“Actually,” Chris said.  “I have a date.”

“Ohoho,” Josh chuckled, voice echoing as he stuck his head in a cabinet under the sink.  “Guess taking over the world will have to wait.”

“What are  _ you _ going to do?” 

“Oh, probably the usual.”

“So… pizza and Netflix?”

“I thought I’d order Chinese, just to mix things up a little.”

~

Ashley texted him when she was on her way.  Her car was out of the shop again, so apparently their outing was going to be half-date, half-celebrating the fact that her car had been dragged back from the brink of death.  Honestly, he was kind of surprised the thing had survived past high school.

He hadn't been nervous until that text.  It was their second date.  Third, if he counted the trip to Petsmart -- which, okay, probably didn't count.  Was it normal to still be this nervous?   
  
"Do you need a paper bag or something?"   
  
"Nope.  I'm good."

Eventually, the butterflies in his stomach calmed a little, and he reached some kind of zen state where he wasn't really feeling very nervous about the date at all.   
  
When there was a knock on the door, he nearly jumped out of his skin.   
  
"Smooth, cochise.  Try not to have a heart attack, okay?"  Josh teased before disappearing into the kitchen again.

Ashley beamed at him when he opened the door and his heart did really embarrassing gymnastics at the sight of her.

“Hi.”

He broke into a grin.  “Hi.”

“So, you ready to go?”

“Yeah, just let me get my jacket and we can head out.”

“It’s like eighty-five degrees outside,” Ashley said, trailing inside after him.  

“It’s  _ Chris _ ,” Josh commented from the kitchen.  “What do you expect?”

“Shut up,” Chris groused.  “I’ll be right back.”

When he came back, Josh was telling Ashley all about his plans for the night.

"Sounds like fun," Ash was saying.   
  
"Yeah, I feel bad for you two: going out, missing out on the joy that only sitting unmoving on the couch all night."   
  
"We'll cope, somehow," Chris sighed.   
  
“Well, don't come crying to me when you're sitting in a movie theater  _ not _ eating the best Chinese takeout in town."   
  
"Hey," Ashley said, "Josh... why don't you come with us?"   
  
"What?"     
  
Josh looked a little bit like a deer caught in headlights.  He gave Chris a questioning, almost accusing look and Chris shrugged helplessly.  If Ashley had been planning on asking him to come along, she hadn't told Chris about it beforehand.  Not that it was a bad idea.    
  
He couldn't remember the last time he'd gone to see a movie with Josh, much less the last time all three of them had gone to see one together.  It could be fun.  Like old times.  The  _ good  _ old times.

“Come on,” Ashley pleaded.  “When's the last time you caught a movie?  It'll be fun.”

Josh looked in his direction and Chris gave him a reassuring smile.  “Yeah, man, you should come.”

“I think you guys are kinda missing the point of going on a date.  Like the part where you two spend some time alone together?”

"It's been ages since the three of us did something together,” Ashley said.

“We bought cat stuff a couple weeks ago,” Josh pointed out.

“That doesn’t count.  You spent the whole time skulking around the other side of the store.”

“I wasn’t  _ skulking _ .” 

He looked hesitant.  He was obviously mulling it over in his head, but it was hard to tell what he was thinking -- whether he was hesitating because he wanted to say yes or because he wanted to say no, Chris wasn’t sure.  The last time he’d talked Josh into going somewhere it hadn't ended well.  He wanted Josh to come, but he also didn't want to push too hard again.  He definitely didn’t want Josh to feel like he _had_ to go with them.  
  
"Alright."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Josh shrugged.  "I mean, if you’re sure you don’t mind."  
  
Chris smiled warmly.  "Dude, when have I ever minded spending time with you?"  
  
"You better buy me dinner," Josh joked.  "I'm not a cheap date."  
  
"I think might be able to manage that, if you guys aren't too picky about food quality."  
  
"You know I'm easy,” he teased with a wink that made Chris’s stomach flutter.  


~

He was happy to let Ash pick the movie, since going to see one had been her idea in the first place.  Besides, he was sure he’d enjoy whatever she picked as long as they were together.  

That thought lasted right up until he found out what movie they were going to be seeing.  It was too late to back out or suggest a different movie now, though, and if Ashley was happy and Josh was willing, then Chris would be, too.   

They got their tickets, got their snacks, and he squeezed into a seat between the two of them -- Josh to his left and Ash to the right.  As far as movie seating positions went, he had to admit it was sort of perfect.  He felt more relaxed than he had in awhile; as much as he’d enjoyed the party the other night, it was hard to really let his guard down in a place packed with people.  There were people in the movie theater, sure, but in the dark there was more privacy -- or at least the illusion of it.  It felt more like hanging with Josh and Ash and less like hanging with Josh and Ash and half the population of the city.

He gently poked Josh’s arm.  “Hey, are you going to share that popcorn?”

“Get your own,” Josh grumbled, in a tone that would’ve sounded grumpy to anyone who didn’t know him well enough to see right through it.

Chris sighed loudly and reached over into the bag of popcorn anyway, which earned him a heatless glare.

Ash laughed and shook her head.  “Okay, I don’t think that’s going to last between the three of us and a whole movie.  Especially not with you guys warring over it.  I’m going to go get some more.”  She stood.

“Finally, a voice of reason,” Josh exclaimed. 

Ashley went, and Chris smiled at Josh.  “Looks like you’re in a good mood.”

Josh shrugged casually and shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth.  

“I’m really glad you came with us.  I thought after what happened at that party awhile back-- I wasn’t sure if you’d want to come along.”

“That wasn’t-- you know I wasn’t trying to avoid Ashley, right?  I just-- freaked out.  There were a lot of people there…  Don’t think I was ready for a big-time social outing, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.  I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.  It’s not like it’s your fault.”

They sat there quietly for a couple minutes, Chris grasping for the right thing to say.  He wanted to tell Josh it wasn’t  _ his _ fault either.

"It’s… nice, hanging out with you guys,” Josh said.  “But you really didn’t have to let me crash your date.  Again.”   
  
"Dude, the three of us used to go to movies and do stuff together all the time."   
  
"Yeah, but things are different now."   
  
Chris frowned.  He wasn't sure if Josh was talking about the fact that Chris and Ash were dating or... the other stuff.  He was afraid to ask, afraid of what the answer might be.  Afraid to screw things up when they’d been having such a good time so far.  Besides, either way, Josh was wrong.   
  
"Okay, so things are different.  Different doesn't have to be a bad thing, and it doesn't mean we can't still hang out.  I'm really glad you decided to come.”   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Also, it's great to see you smiling again."   
  
Josh grinned at him.  "Look, bro, I know you're new to the dating scene, but FYI, you probably shouldn't hit on other people when you're out with your girlfriend.  Not that I'm not flattered."   
  
Chris blushed, and Josh laughed.  He'd really missed that sound.   
  
"Okay, so we've probably got like two minutes before Ash gets back," Josh said.  “Be honest: on a scale from one to ten how badly do you want to go sprinting out of here before the movie starts?"   
  
"Hey, I've... heard it's gotten good reviews.  It might not be that bad."   
  
"Uh huh.  We’ll see how long that optimism lasts.”

“I have  _ boundless _ optimism.”

“Okay.  If you say so.”  Josh shrugged and leaned back in his seat.  “I would love to know what ‘good reviews’ you’ve read about the Minions movie, because I think you're full of shit.”

~

About fifteen minutes into the movie, it was pretty obvious that the only thing keeping Josh from fleeing in terror of tiny yellow creatures in overalls was sheer determination.  He was staring at the screen like he was witnessing a trainwreck.  

To be fair, the only thing keeping  _ Chris _ from fleeing in terror was his earlier declaration about “boundless optimism” or whatever he had said before this movie had started and life as he had previously known it had ceased to exist.  He couldn’t really remember.  He was pretty sure the movie was melting his brain down into a sort of sludge.

Ashley was loving every minute of it.  He wasn’t sure  _ how  _ or why, but she was.

“They’re so cute,” she said.

“They’re  _ adorable _ ,” Josh replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Chris shot him a look, which only earned him a snigger in response.  At least Josh was managing to cope with humor.  The only thing keeping Chris going through this mess was reminding himself that he loved Ash.  A lot.  A whole lot.  

Oh god.

The movie continued on.  After awhile, he wasn't sure if he was actually starting to enjoy it or if something inside of him had snapped and become incapable of feeling horror, because it started to seem… not so bad.  Or, at least, slightly less bad. 

Josh nudged him with an elbow.  

Chris leaned in.  “What?” 

He just nudged him again, more urgently.

Okay, that was kind of weird.  He looked at him, then, concerned.  “Dude, what?  What’s wrong?”

Josh stared at him meaningfully and nodded his head to the right and glanced down at Chris’ arm, meaningfully. 

He was so confused.  “Wh--   _ Huh _ ?”

Josh huffed and whispered, “Really?”

“What’s up?!”

Josh muttered something under his breath.

If he leaned in any closer, he was going to fall into Josh’s lap.

“...put your  _ arm around her _ .”

Oh.   _ Oh _ .

He glanced at Ashley.  She was quietly eating her popcorn, watching the movie with way more interest than it probably deserved.  He stretched his arm up and over, laying it across the back of Ash’s seat, testing the waters.  When that seemed to go well, he slid it down until it made contact with Ashley’s shoulders.  He was trying to be discreet about it, but he was suddenly worried that he was going to startle her.  She was pretty focused on the movie, what if--

She turned her head to look at him, munching on popcorn, and smiled.  

“Hi.”

His heart was pounding so hard, any minute people were probably going to start complaining about the noise.  “Uh, hi.”

“You know, we could probably sit closer if we lifted this arm rest.  If you want?”   


“Yeah!  Yeah, sure!” 

It took him several tries to get it successfully pushed up and back.  He could  _ feel _ Josh shaking his head at him, even though he couldn’t actually see it from this angle.  

Ash smiled at him brightly and scooted closer.  His stomach did a little flip.  He wrapped his arm around her shoulders again.  She snuggled against him and it was definitely less awkward without the arm of the chair in the way.  This was so good.  It was perfect.  Her hair tickled his nose and he felt warmth unfurl inside him.  

Then he sneezed.   


"Bless you," she said with a laugh.   
  
Someone a couple rows back hissed "Shh!" and Josh shot a dirty look over the top of his seat.   
  
"You shh, dick!  It was just a sneeze!  Jesus!"   
  
"Don't get us kicked out," Ashley begged.  "The movie's almost over."   
  
"Yeah, Josh," Chris said.  "Come on, it's not worth it."   
  
Ashley booped him gently on the nose with a fingertip.  "Actually, I was talking to you."

“Rude, Ash.  Very rude.”

She laughed and laid her head on his shoulder.  “Just don’t sneeze in my hair, okay?”

“I can’t make any promises.”

He didn’t sneeze in her hair.  To the relief of the asshole sitting somewhere behind them, he didn’t sneeze again at all during the rest of the movie.  Probably because the movie was slowly sucking the life juices out of him and he didn’t have anything left within him  _ to _ sneeze.

"Do you think," Josh whispered to him, as a minion was crowned king of England, "that maybe we died at Blackwood, and this is just some really weird personal hell?"   
  
"It's possible," Chris admitted.   
  
Ashley elbowed him in the ribs.  The only thing that saved Josh from the same fate was the fact that she couldn’t reach him.   
  
"Maybe next time I'll go see a movie  _ alone _ ."   
  
Josh leaned forward to level her with a tired, dead-eyed stare.  "You're probably gonna have to.  We probably won’t make it through  _ this _ one."   
  
A laugh bubbled out of Chris, because a) he was probably right and b) that implied that if Josh survived, he'd want to see another movie with them.  He had his fingers crossed for the latter.

~

When they got back to the apartment, Josh went in first, shooting a sly grin at them over his shoulder before disappearing from view and closing the door behind him.  Chris fidgeted with his keys a bit before shoving them and his hands back in his pockets.  

“So.”

“So,” Ashley echoed.  “I had a really good time tonight.”

“So did I.”

“So did Josh, I think.”

Chris grinned.  “Yeah.  Yeah, I think he did.”

She smiled back.  “We should do this again sometime.”

“Go see the Minions movie again?” he asked in horror.

“No, I mean.  Just, you know, this.  In general.  Going out, hanging out.  Together.”

“The three of us, or the two of us?”

“Either?  Both?”

Ashley didn’t seem to know what to do with her hands, either, she was sort gently wringing them.  He thought about it for a second before emerging from his pockets and scooping both of her hands up in his.  Just that small bit of contact honestly delighted him, and he felt like an idiot.  A goofy, happy idiot.  The way she beamed at him made him think that maybe she felt the same way.  

"Did you enjoy the movie?"   
  
Chris exhaled.  "Well... the villain convention was kind of funny, and I really liked that part... where the... movie ended."   
  
“You hated it."   
  
"No, no, I wouldn't say that.  I would think it really loudly every day for the rest of my life, but I wouldn't say it."   
  
"I'm sorry," she laughed.   
  
"No, it's okay.  It was-- it was totally worth it."

“You know, I remember what you said.”

“About what?”

“About none of the time we’ve spent together being wasted.  And I agree, mostly, but…”  

He blinked at her.  “But?”

She leaned in and tilted her face up towards his.  Then she was kissing him.  It wasn't their first kiss, but it kind of felt like it.  He hadn't really had time to actually enjoy it or process the first one, and they’d never even really talked about it after -- it had just kind of gotten swept away with the rest of that night.  He had the time now.  

He cupped her face in his hands and lightly stroked her cheeks.  He pretty much let her take the lead on the kissing front, because honestly, he had no idea what he was doing.  His heart was pounding and he felt so giddy it verged on lightheaded.  

“But,” she answered, nuzzling his face, “I wish I’d done that sooner.”

He pressed his forehead against hers.  “I… can’t really argue, there.  That was pretty great.”

She kissed him again.  If all he ever did for the rest of his life was stand there on his doorstep kissing Ashley, he felt like he’d be okay with that.  They stood there for awhile, just holding each other.  He knew in theory that they needed to let go at some point, but he really didn’t want to.  

Ashley reached up and laid her hands over his.  "I should probably get home."

"Y-yeah.  Alright."

He lowered his hands, and she entwined her fingers in his like she was reluctant to let go.   
  
"I'll talk to you tomorrow?"   
  
"Definitely."   
  
She kissed him.  Again.  If she kept doing that he was just going to melt into a puddle on the floor.  He dropped her hands and watched her walk away.  She smiled over her shoulder and waved at him before she disappeared into the elevator.     
  
He let out a breath and leaned back against the wall beside his apartment door.   
  
Wow.   
  
Josh's voice came from the other side of the door.  "Are you... coming inside at some point or were you planning on swooning in the hallway?"   
  
"Were you watching the whole time?"   
  
"Not the whole time, no.  Are you alright?  Do I need to get out the smelling salts?"   
  
"No, I'm okay."  He stared up at the ceiling.  "We don't even have smelling salts."   
  
"Good point” Josh said.  “We should add that to the list."

~

After a bit more good-natured teasing, Josh headed off to bed and once Chris’s weird post-date giddiness died down, he decided it was time to head to bed, too.  He felt good -- really good.  Tired, but in a good way -- content.  Maybe that meant he might actually get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep for once.  

Buttercup was sitting in the hallway between the living room and his bedroom like she was waiting for him to pay a toll.

"Hi, Buttercup."

The cat meowed.

Chris knelt down and laid a toy mouse at her feet.  "Please accept this humble offering in exchange for  _ not _ giving me a heart attack tonight."

She sniffed at it and looked up at him, considering.  It was really hard to get a read on her.  She probably would’ve been great at poker if she had thumbs.  

“Alright, I’m gonna just… leave you to it.”

She turned her back to him, and he took it as a, “Yes, you may go now.”  Hopefully next time she felt like pouncing on something, it’d be the mouse and not his shins.  And maybe next time she felt like sitting on someone’s faces, she’d go sit on Josh’s instead.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd actually looked forward to getting into bed.  He couldn't remember the last time he'd actually felt ready to sleep when his head hit the pillow, either. 

But today had been good, and maybe he’d get some decent sleep, for once.  Maybe he’d dream about something nice.  He drifted off to sleep, thinking about Ashley and Josh and good times instead of bad ones.

Three hours later, he woke up with a cat sitting on his face.  Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your fave is problematic: Ashley  
> \- Unironically enjoyed Minions  
> \- Owns Bee Movie on dvd, probably
> 
> Fun fact: One day as I was working on this chapter I mentioned Ash liked minions on my Twitter and I got an incensed response from a minion-hating twitterbot to stop talking about minions. Incredible.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only just recently realized I totally failed to add "slow build" to the fic tags, because yeah. It takes awhile for this thing to fully materialize, but I promise it will pay off. 
> 
> Also, hey look at me, updating fic like a normal person not in the process of having a nervous breakdown due to traumatic life events! *jazz hands*

Josh started his day with a plan.  

It wasn’t a particularly solid plan, but The Plan -- such as it was -- was to make Chris dinner.  His cooking skills weren’t exactly the best, but he’d done a bit of strategic googling, and he was pretty sure he could pull off something halfway decent.  He figured it was the least he could do, considering Chris regularly made sure  _ he _ was well-fed and without his intervention Josh would’ve happily lived off of pop-tarts and pizza until he died of malnutrition.  Chris also did most of the grocery shopping, while Josh lurked in the apartment like the fucking asocial goblin he was these days.  

He deserved something nice.  In truth, he probably deserved a hell of a lot more than Josh would ever be able to give him, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try.  He had several tabs of recipes opened up on his phone, and was ready to narrow down the list once he knew for sure what his options were.  He opened the fridge and scanned its contents.  

Chris must’ve gone grocery shopping sometime between them agreeing they needed to buy more food and Josh opening the fridge.  With is options laid out before him, he settled on making a kind of tomato and meat sauce to slather all over… whatever pasta they had around to slather it on.  He had to check several cabinets before he finally found the fabled pasta of myth and legend.  There was a package of elbow macaroni, and nothing else.  

Elbow macaroni, it was.

The ironic thing was that, in the entire time they’d lived together, Josh couldn’t remember seeing Chris make any macaroni that didn’t come already pre-drenched with cheese of the “just add water” variety.  Maybe he was saving this one for a special occasion?  Josh decided a surprise dinner was special enough to count.

He tried to picture Chris cooking -- seriously cooking -- and couldn’t.  Chris could criticize  _ his _ eating habits all he wanted, but his weren’t much better than Josh’s.  He knew Chris could cook in  _ theory _ \-- he’d witnessed it once or twice -- but college wasn’t leaving him with a whole lot of spare time to spend in the kitchen.  All the more reason for Josh to pick up the slack, he figured.  

Once he figured out what he was going to cook, it was a pretty straightforward matter to get the basic ingredients of the sauce together and cooking.  Once that was taken care of, he got out the pack of meat and laid it on the counter, tearing off the shrink wrap.  He walked back across the kitchen to poke at the simmering sauce, getting it ready to add the meat into it.  He was by no means an expert, but the sauce was looking pretty okay so far.  

Though, even across the room with a bunch of tomato products wafting their tomato-y scent in his face, he swore he could smell the meat.  He ignored it, picking up the box of pasta to read the cooking instructions.  And yeah, okay, maybe he should have put the pasta on before he’d started with the sauce.  He cursed under his breath.  It was all good, right?  He could always put the lid on the sauce when it was done and turn the burner off while the pasta finished boiling.  He tore open the box and dumped the contents into the pot.  

Back to the meat.  He dug into it with his hands, curling his nose at the sensation of it squishing between his fingers.  He pulled a clump of it free from the rest, pulling it apart and getting it ready to sprinkle into the sauce.  

His stomach growled.  

Before he even really had time to think about it, he was already shoving a handful into his mouth.  Some dark corner of his brain thrilled at the raw taste of meat even while some other corner wanted to throw up because it was bloody and cold, and  _ what the fuck was he doing _ .  He took another handful.  It felt like eating after months of starving.  Whatever else he’d been eating up until then hadn’t been doing the trick, not really, and he’d never realized it until he finally tasted what he really needed.

It was the best and worst thing he'd ever tasted in his life, and he was so hungry.

He stopped eventually, partly because he was shoving more into his mouth than he could chew and swallow that fast and partly because the gravity of what he’d done hit him so hard he almost choked.  He'd eaten most of meat.  He hadn't been very neat about it, either -- there was blood all over the counter.

His stomach twisted.   
  
He had to get this cleaned up before Chris got home.  If he came home and saw this... he'd flip out, and Josh really wouldn’t be able to blame him.  He was pretty close to flipping out himself.  Had already flipped out, really, since eating an entire slab of raw meat wasn't exactly the act of a well-adjusted person in control of their mental faculties.

He wiped blood from his mouth with the back of his shaking hand and bit back a sob.  He took a step backward, towards where he knew the paper towel dispenser was, and tripped over something.  He only narrowly avoided busting his ass by stumbling back against the opposite side of the counter.

He looked down.   
  
Time slowed down to a crawl, congealing like the blood on the counter and the blood on the floor.  Why the fuck was there blood on the floor?  

There was a body there, too.  It wasn't anybody he knew, though it was hard to to tell.  There wasn’t a whole lot left of him.  At least, he was pretty sure it had been a him.   


"What the fuck," he whispered.  Then, with feeling, "What the fuck?!"   
  
He scrambled to get away and got tangled in what was left of the guy.  He went down, hard, landing in what was more of a thick mass of guts and gore than an intact body.  He screamed and flailed, trying to free himself, but the more he struggled, the harder it was to move, intestines twining around him like a wet, fleshy rope.

"No!  Let go!  Let go of me!"   
  
He sank deeper into the mass of entrails -- way deeper than he should have been able to go on the kitchen floor, until he was sucked down into a deep red-black darkness that swallowed him whole.   


~

Josh jerked awake violently.  He was in bed.  If he was in bed he was in his room.  If he was in his room, that meant it had to have been a nightmare, right?  There was no way he’d passed out in the kitchen then sleep-walked back to bed.  Heart pounding, he reached over to turn on the light on his nightstand.  He half-expected to be covered in blood when the light switched on, but he wasn't.

He dropped back against his pillow with a sigh, closed his eyes, and slowly counted backwards from ten.  When he was done he felt slightly less like he was about to lose his shit.  Slightly.  He wondered what the likelihood of having two psychotic breaks in the span of half a year was.  He'd look it up, but he had a feeling he wouldn't like the answer.  He could almost picture Dr. Hill's stern look of disapproval.  

He wasn't even sure which one it was -- the real one or the one he'd constructed in his head.  Not that it mattered all that much -- they’d both been assholes. 

Josh tried not to let the nightmare sour his entire morning.  It did anyway.  He avoided going into the kitchen until well after noon.  Chris had brought his morning coffee to him and given him a concerned look.

"Hey, are you alright?"   
  
"Yeah, man.  I'm good."   
  
He hadn't looked convinced and Josh hadn't had the energy to try harder to be more convincing, but Chris had dropped it and headed off to school.   
  
When he finally worked up the nerve to go into the kitchen, his stomach felt like it was trying to eat itself and he wasn't sure if he was actually hungry or if he was just dreading going in there.  When he did, though, there was nothing there that wasn't supposed to be there.  No blood, no body, no twisted inhuman version of himself chowing down in the middle of it all.  It was just a kitchen.   
  
He still almost threw up when he opened the fridge and saw the meat, though.  He’d almost expected it to be gone.  The nightmare had been so vivid, he’d thought maybe he’d sleep-walked into the kitchen with a craving last night, but the packaging was pristine and untouched.  

Maybe that should have made him feel a little bit better about the whole thing, but it didn’t.  

He managed to throw together something for lunch that didn’t include any sort of meat product.  Managed to fight his gag reflex long enough to swallow down enough to constitute a meal and spent the next hour fighting the urge to vomit.  The rest of the day was just as miserable.  He couldn’t get the images out of his brain, no matter what he did.  They just kept cycling through his mind on repeat like a broken record from hell.  

~

He was, at this point in his life, pretty good at faking being okay.  It was weird how easy it could be.  A smile here, a nod there...     
  
He hated doing it to Chris, after everything they'd been through, but that was part of why he had to do it.  He didn't need to be burdening Chris with even more of his bullshit.   
  
So when Chris got home, Josh pretended to be okay.  He smiled, he asked Chris about his day, updated him on the latest drama on Downton Abbey, then excused himself to his room to have his breakdown in peace.  

Curling up on his bed and sobbing wasn’t the most dignified or well-adjusted thing in the world, but in the grand history of Josh Washington’s Breakdowns it was pretty mild.  He hugged a pillow to his chest and pressed his face into it, hoping it’d muffle the loudest of his crying.  He didn’t want Chris worrying about him anymore than he did already.  He was okay, he was… not okay.  He was going to  _ be _ okay, at some vaguely defined point in the future, maybe, if he could keep his shit together until then. 

He felt something soft brush against his arm.  

He risked a glance up from the pillow.  It was the cat -- perched beside him on the bed and staring at him curiously.  He wasn’t even sure how she’d gotten into his room, unless she’d already been there when he came in.

“If you’re hungry, go tell Chris.”  He closed his eyes again. 

He felt Buttercup settle against the back of his neck and shoulders.  He ignored her.  The cat did whatever the hell she wanted to, anyway.

Then she started purring.

Buttercup didn’t interact with him much.  It was funny, considering Chris had ostensibly gotten her  _ for _ him.  They didn’t get along badly -- she never mauled him or ambushed him the way she sometimes did Chris.  In a weird way, though, he was pretty sure she actually liked Chris more.  Even negative attention was attention, right?  It was uncomfortably relatable logic.  And yet here she was, all but wrapped around the back of his neck and sending weird cat vibrations down his spine.  

Was she trying to comfort him?  How bad off was he if even the antisocial as fuck cat was taking pity on him?

He heard the floorboards in the hallway creak and sucked in a ragged breath, holding it and listening careful.  Had Chris heard him?  He hadn’t thought he’d been crying that loudly, but he was tired and his self-control wasn’t the greatest.

“Hey, Josh, are you awake?”

Shit.  

He didn’t trust his voice enough to respond, but if he didn’t say something Chris was going to worry.  And if he got worried, he was probably going to come in to check on him.  And that wasn’t a great idea.

“Uh,” he said, voice raised about as high as he dared to take it without risking it cracking.  “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

He wasn’t.  By no stretch of the imagination was he okay.  If he told Chris that, though, he was definitely going to come in.  A lot of his possible options seemed to end with Chris coming into the room anyway, thus shattering his already flimsy chances of maintaining the appearance of seeming halfway mentally stable.

The door creaked open, and he realized he’d gone too long without answering.  Chris was coming in to see if he was okay.  How was that for a self-fulfilling prophecy?

“Josh?”

Josh buried his face in his pillow, like an idiot, because while looking up at Chris with a teary, puffy face would have given him away, being found facedown in bed didn’t exactly scream emotional wellness.

“Uh, sorry, I’m just… tired.  Having a weird kinda day,” he explained, face still buried in the pillow, voice muffled.  

“Oh.”  He felt the bed dip.  Chris’s tone was teasing when he said, “Does that day involve plans to make out with your pillow?  Because that  _ is _ a little weird.”

Josh looked up with a wet snort.

Chris’s smile faded.  “Hey, seriously, are you okay?”

“That’s a complicated question.”

“No-- no, it’s actually pretty straightforward.”

“Alright, then it’s a complicated answer.”

Chris seemed to consider that for a moment before slinging his legs across the bed and settling beside Josh, just on the other side of the pillow.  

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Josh closed his eyes and shook his head.  The movement roused the cat, who rubbed its face lightly along the side of his neck.

"Do you… want me to leave?"

He risked opening his eyes again, even though he knew he had to look like a fucking trainwreck.  He'd been crying for the past hour and he felt like someone had punched him in both eyes.  Chris was visibly worried, but Josh knew if he said yes -- or even just said nothing at all -- that Chris wouldn't push.

“Nah.”

Chris gave him a warm smile and scooted downward to lie down beside him on the bed.  He didn't say anything else, and Josh was grateful for that.  He felt burnt out, worse than he had in a couple weeks, and he hated himself for it.  Why couldn't he just get steadily better instead of constantly taking ten steps backward?  

It wasn't even just that.  That nightmare had felt so real, and it had left him feeling rattled and unsure of himself.  Was he awake now?  Or still asleep?   
  
"I'm really here, right?"   
  
Chris blinked at him.  "What?"   
  
"Nothing.  Forget it."   
  
He reached across the pillow and patted Josh's arm.  "You're here, I'm here.  Buttercup's here.  Whatever's wrong…  Whatever’s bothering you…  It's going to be okay.  I promise."   
  
Josh didn't trust his voice, so he just nodded.   
  
Chris took off his glasses and stretched around to lay them on the end table before collapsing back onto the bed with a weary sigh.     
  
"Tired?"   
  
"Yeah," he yawned.  "School's been crazy.  Work's been crazy.  I feel like I haven't slept in ten years."

“I know the feeling.”

“Dude, you sleep  _ all _ the time.”

“And I’m still tired all the time,” Josh replied.  “Behold the wonderful world of depression.”

Chris watched him, like he was taking in every detail of his face -- though exactly how much detail he could see in the dark with his glasses off was debatable.  He looked tired.  Josh would even go as far as to say he looked fucking exhausted.  Chris was definitely not without issues, himself.  Though, Josh guessed everyone in their merry band did at this point.  They all were probably going to need years of therapy.

_ That’s kinda your fault,  _ his brain pointed out.

_ Yeah, thanks for reminding me. _

Even stressing about whatever was stressing him out, Chris was still more worried about Josh than he was himself.  That was such typical Christopher behavior.

Chris smiled at him.  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like… the way you’re looking.”

“I don’t have any particular look.  Even if I did, you’re basically blind right now, so I don’t know how you’d even know.”  

“My vision isn’t  _ that _ bad,” Chris laughed.  

“Oh really?  How many fingers am I holding up?”  He wiggled three fingers.

“Three.”

“Nope, there's two.”

“There's three.  Do you even know how nearsightedness works?”

“No.”

They both laughed, and it made the knot in Josh's chest loosen, a little.

“I guess, I’m just… glad.  That you decided to check in on me.  Thanks, man.”

"I've always got your back, you know."   
  
"I know."   
  
He closed his eyes, deciding to try the sleep thing again now that the weight in his chest felt a little lighter and he felt less like a rubber band about to snap.  He could feel sleep there, somewhere, along the frazzled edges of his brain, waiting to suck him under.  He hoped he wouldn't dream.   
  
Before he drifted off, he thought he felt Chris's hand brush across his and give it a gentle squeeze.

~

The next time Josh opened his eyes the cat had moved to stretch out between the two of them on top of the pillow he was still loosely holding onto.  Chris was fast asleep on the other side.  He wasn’t sure how long he’d slept, but it was still dark, so it couldn’t have been too long.

He bit his lip and watched the slow rise and fall of Chris' chest.  Josh heard him in the middle of the night, sometimes, moving around in his room or down the hall.  Probably trying to walk off whatever nightmare had woken him up.  It was good that he was resting comfortably now.  He deserved some quality sleep, and he definitely needed it.

As if on cue to ruin everything, Chris’s phone lit up and started to buzz loudly on the nightstand.  Josh only hesitated half a second before carefully sitting up and leaning across Chris to grab it.  His intention hadn’t been to snoop -- he’d just wanted to make the phone stop -- but he saw the notification on the screen.  

It was a text.  From Ashley.  He chewed on the inside of his cheek and wondered, on a scale of one to ten, how serious of a breach of the trust it would be to read the message.  

Besides, what if it was an emergency?  What if she needed something?

He swiped at the phone’s screen.

Ash’s smile beamed up at him, with the message beside it:

_ hey are you awake? :) _

Pretty straightforward, and probably not anything Chris would get angry about him reading if he told him about it later.  If he just put the phone back down, Ashley would probably assume Chris was asleep and stop texting.  But she wouldn’t be texting if she didn’t need or want something, and it had to be something relatively important to be texting Chris at three am.

He stared at the phone for a minute before typing:

_ hey its josh _

_ Josh????  what are you doing with Chris’ phone? _

_ hes sleeping in my bed _

_ oh _

Okay, in hindsight he could have phrased that better.  He shook his head at himself and wondered when he’d gotten so bad at basic human communication.  Oh, right.  Complete mental breakdown.  Spirit possession.  

_ wait no thats not what i meant _

_ no it’s okay!  nvm. _

_ did u need something?  u ok? _

_ i’m okay i just can’t sleep _

_ oh _

_ and sometimes Chris is still awake so…  _

But not tonight.  Tonight, Chris was out like a light while Ashley was awake and lonely.  Considering how shitty he’d felt earlier when he was curled up alone in his bed, he could sympathize.

_ i’ll let you get back to sleep.  good night, Josh. _

_ hey wait wanna come over? _

_ what? _

_ What?!  _ his brain echoed.

_ im awake ur awake...... so........ _

_ really? _

_ yea really.  if u want _

There was a really long pause, and he stared up at the ceiling contemplatively.  He wondered if inviting his best friend’s girlfriend over in the middle of the night while said best friend was asleep and had no input was crossing some sort of line.  But it was out there, it was done, and she was probably going to say no, anyway, so it didn’t really--

The phone buzzed loudly again.  What did Chris have the vibration setting set to, anyway?  Turbo?

He exhaled slowly and lifted the phone up from his chest to squint at Ash’s answer in the darkness.  

_ yeah, okay. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: in the process of editing this fic, I had to help two different people with two different meaty red saucy pasta dishes and with Josh's nightmare at the forefront of my mind that was.................an experience.


	6. Chapter 6

Some nights were easier than others.  Days, Ashley had no problem with.  Days she could spend focusing on school and working, checking out sales on hoodies at Target, and thinking about writing a novel.  The nights were what got her.  The nights when she ran out of homework to do and tests to study for and sat on her couch, alone, feeling the shadows grow deeper in her apartment like they were physical things trying to choke the life out of her.

She never used to be afraid of the dark.  She was scared of a lot of things, but not the dark.  Even now, it wasn't so much the darkness as what might be  _ in  _ it.  Which logically she knew was nothing, there was nothing there, but chronic anxiety had been a problem for her way before she had actual concrete reasons to be afraid.  Reasons with teeth and claws.  

Now she couldn't handwave her anxiety away by telling herself there were no such thing as monsters, because there were.  They might not have been right there in her living room, but they existed out there somewhere.  And if wendigos existed, who knew what else might, too?  That thought was enough to just... really badly freak her out, some nights.  And that wasn't even counting the nights she couldn't get the image of Josh's guts spilling out of him out of her head, even if that part had ended up being fake.

So when she got invited to get  _ out _ of her illogically creepy, apartment, she laid her phone on her bed and stared at it for a couple minutes.  Josh had invited her over.  Josh, who’d hardly even talked to her since... well, everything.  He’d warmed up to her a lot more in the past couple of weeks, but this was still kind of a surprise coming from him.  

She huffed out a sigh and hugged her legs to her chest.  She felt anxious about going, even though she didn’t have any particular reason to.  She felt anxious about  _ not _ going, too.  She felt anxious about the creaking and assorted noises and the darkness of her too-big-for-one-person apartment.  

She considered the possibility that she might need to have her anxiety meds adjusted.

"Ugh, this is stupid," she said out loud to herself.  "Just get dressed and go."

After all, she really didn’t want to be alone, sleep was not going to happen at her place tonight, and maybe this was a sign that her and Josh might finally be heading down a path that could lead to them being friends again. 

"Getting dressed" mostly involved putting on a sweater and a pair of shoes.  She was going over there to sleep, there didn’t seem to be much point in changing out of her pajamas.  It'd be less stuff to stick in her backpack.  She brushed her hair quickly, grabbed a pillow off her bed, and hurried down to her car.

Which wouldn’t start.  Again.  

Ashley groaned and laid her head tiredly against the steering wheel.  She loved her car.  Her dad had found it in a junkyard and restored it for her for her sixteenth birthday.  Her dad was not a car mechanic, however, and over the years it had become really clear that his strong point was chicken marsala, not car engines.  The poor thing spent more time in the shop than out of it, and she had  _ just gotten it back _ , damn it.  

She sat back and considered her options.  There was nobody she could call to pick her up this time of night, but she was pretty sure there was one last bus she’d be able to catch if she hurried to the bus stop.

~

She kept mace on her keychain as a just-in-case self-defense thing, but there weren’t that many people on the bus -- and not anyone who looked especially menacing.  There were a couple people that looked as bedraggled as she was, and at least one who was also wearing their pajamas, so she didn’t feel as weird about traveling at three am in pants with heart printed all over them as she had when she’d left her apartment.

The trip to Chris and Josh’s place wasn’t usually a long one.  By bus, though, it took a little longer because it made a few stops along the way.  Although, she thought wryly, her car would’ve probably stalled out on her just as many times if she’d been able to get it started.  She dug her phone out of her backpack to call Josh.  She didn’t want him to worry.  Her fingers felt weird, scrolling down her contact list to grab his name.  She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d texted him anything.  Or called him.  Or done anything other than awkwardly interact with him with Chris as a buffer between them.  

The phone only rang once before Josh answered.

“Are you standing me up?” 

“My car died.”

“Didn’t you just get fixed?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, “I did.”

“Hope you have a backup plan.  Unless…”

“Oh, no!  No,” she said hurriedly.  “I’m still on my way, I just had to grab the bus.  I’ll get there, it’s just going to take a little longer, sorry.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it.  I have nothing better to do.  Although, if I get arrested for loitering in the hallway while I wait, it’ll be on you.”

“Well, hopefully it won’t come to that.”

“They won’t take me alive if it does.”

She laughed -- a little too hard, judging by the sharp look the man a couple seats away shot in her direction.  She covered her mouth and said, “Okay, well, I should let you go.  I think I’m annoying the other passengers.”

“Alright.  See you soon.”

“Yeah, okay.  Bye.”

She hung up, dropped her phone back into her backpack, and looked out the window.  The trees shooting by looked gnarled and creepy in the dark.  The shadows in the alleys and corners were so deep, anyone or anything could have been hiding in them.  The longer she looked, the more she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was looking back.

She found somewhere else to look.

~

Josh was waiting for her just outside the door when she reached the apartment, wearing his pajamas and looking as just as tired and sleep-deprived as she felt.  It made her feel a little more comfortable about coming over to hang out with him.  They were in the same boat, after all.

“How was the ride?”

“About as creepy as you’d expect it to be this time of night.  Or morning.  But not too bad, I guess.” 

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t get ax-murdered.”  He gestured to the door theatrically.  “Shall we?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, sure.”

As she stepped across the threshold of the apartment, Josh asked, “So, you got everything you need for our little impromptu pajama party?  What’s mine is yours.  Except for my toothbrush.”

“That’s fair,” she laughed.  “I brought my own toothbrush, anyway.”

“And you even brought your own pillow,” Josh observed.  “So you won’t drool all over any of  ours.  Considerate of you.”

“I don’t drool,” she protested, perhaps a little too much.  “Is Chris still asleep?”

“Last time I checked.”  

He nodded towards his bedroom door and she followed him across the apartment.  The door was ajar, just enough to let a little bit of light from the living room in, but presumably not enough to disturb Chris.  Josh nudged the door open a little wider, giving just enough room for Ashley to peek around his shoulder and look inside.  She couldn't suppress the huge smile that spread across her face when she saw Chris tucked in Josh's bed, face half-buried in a pillow he was hugging to his chest and hair sticking in every direction.  She glanced at Josh out of the corner of her eye and saw what had to have been a look pretty similar to how she was feeling.

He loved him.   
  
She guessed she’d always kind of known that, but knowing was different than  _ knowing _ it, seeing it.

She felt a pang of guilt.  If he hadn't told Chris about his feelings in all the time they'd known each other, then that wasn’t her fault, right?  She couldn't be held responsible for that, could she?  At least, that's how it should have worked, but looking at him looking at Chris made her feel like she’d stolen something from him.  Josh glanced at her.  She opened her mouth to say something, anything, because she couldn't shake the feeling that in that two seconds of eye contact, he somehow knew exactly what she’d been thinking.   
  
"Josh--"   
  
"We should probably go, before we wake him up."   
  
She nodded, and said softly, "Yeah, okay."

They made their way back into the living room and she sat on the couch, feeling a little dejected, and slung her backpack off her shoulder to look for her toothbrush.  Which she was totally sure she’d brought, but according to backpack law it had probably found its way to the bottom.

Josh crossed his arms, looking awkward.  “Do you want something to eat, or…?”

“Oh, no,” she said with a wave.  “I’m fine.  I had dinner, like, a couple hours ago.”

“You had dinner at one in the morning?  Geez, no wonder you can’t sleep.”

“Hey, I’m a college student, I have no concept of linear time anymore.”

“I think Chris has the same problem.  I have to say, I don’t miss that.  I’m crazy enough without college driving me nuts.”

She fidgeted.  She wanted to ask how he was doing.  He had seemed to be doing a lot better in the past couple of weeks, but seeming better and actually being better were two different things.  She didn’t know where the boundaries here were -- what was okay and not okay to ask him about -- and she didn’t want to overstep when things were just starting to get better between them again.

“So, how did he end up in your bed?”

_ Right, because that’s a  _ much _ more appropriate question to ask, oh my God. _

Josh stared at her, mouth opening then shutting again, and she wondered hysterically if she could just grab her bag and her pillow, run out of the apartment, and pretend she’d never been there in the first place.

“Uh, well, he couldn’t sleep, and I was… still awake, so he came in and we just kinda hung out for awhile until we dozed off.”

“Oh.”

Of course, that’s what had happened.  What had she  _ thought _ had happened?  Honestly.

A thought occurred to her.  “Oh no, did I wake you up?”

“Nah, I was sort of drifting in and out when you texted Chris.  And  _ he  _ didn’t even react.  By then it didn’t seem right to wake him up and have him go back to his own bed, you know?”

“Yeah, no, he definitely needs the sleep.  He’s been having trouble lately.”

“How much trouble?”

She blinked at him.  “Hasn’t he told you about it?”

“Not really, and he downplays it when I ask.  Can’t fool me, though, I’m a professional bullshitter.”  

“He hasn’t really told me much about it either,” she admitted.  “I was kind of hoping you’d know more.  He usually talks to you, you know?”

Josh fell back onto the couch, frowning.  “Yeah, well.  Not so much lately, I guess.”  

"If it helps," she said slowly, "I don't think...  It's not you, you know?  It's not that he doesn't trust you, I think it's just hard for him to talk about.  I mean, he saw a guy die right in front of him.  Then he thought  _ you _ were dead, and it..."   
  
He looked at her expectantly.  "It what?"   
  
"I don't know.  It changed him, Josh.  In a bunch of little ways.  You didn't see him by the end of that night.  He'd hardly talk to anyone.  I don't think I've ever seen him so depressed.  It got better after we found you, but it's... still there."  She hesitated.  "I think he has nightmares, sometimes, but he never wants to talk about them."   
  
Josh nodded.  "Can't really blame him."   
  
"Yeah, but how can we help if he won't tell us anything?"   
  
"Maybe… we can't help."   
  
"Shouldn't we still try?  We're his friends."   
  
A slow grin spread across Josh's face.  He put a hand to his chest.  "I'm his friend.   _ You're _ his girlfriend."   
  
She swatted him on the arm, cheeks burning.  "That doesn't change anything."   
  
"Doesn't it, though?  As the person he kind of… wants to spend his life with, aren't you within your rights to interrogate him about it?"   
  
"'Interrogate?'  Have you been in a romantic relationship, ever?"   
  
"Look, the point I was trying to make is: you’re his girlfriend.  If you ask him, really ask him, he might tell you."   
  
"And you don't think he'd tell you?”   
  
"In case you haven’t noticed, I'm not gonna be in the running for the Friend of the Year award any time soon."

They both fell silent for a minute.  She wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to that.  She wasn’t sure if there was even a right or wrong way  _ to _ respond to that.     
  
Finally, she settled on: "You know he's forgiven you, right?"   
  
"Maybe.”

“Josh,” she chided.  “Definitely.  Whether you think you deserve it or not,  _ he _ thinks you do.  Chris doesn't hold grudges.  Not towards anyone, but especially not you.  You’re his best friend."

Josh gave her a wary look.  “What about you?  Do you hold grudges?”

“Not any that I'm not… willing to try to move past.”

He stared at her.  “Really?”

“Come on, would I be here otherwise?”

“Well, you did get to see Chris sleeping in his native habitat.”

“I came over because you invited me, Josh.  ...But that was a nice bonus.”

After their unexpected heartfelt conversation was over, Josh turned on the TV and the lingering tension evaporated.  Before long, Ashley finally started to feel drowsy, and not long after that Josh let out a muffled yawn beside her.

In the end, she was glad she'd come over.  It was ten times better than lying in her bed alone in the dark waiting to finally fall asleep.  It was better, even, than texting with Chris, because as comforting as he could be when neither of them could sleep, it wasn't the same as being there.  Having him close by, and even having Josh there, made her feel like she wasn't alone.  Safer.   
  
"Hey, here."   
  
She blinked sleep from her eyes and looked up at Josh.  He was holding a blanket out towards her.  She hadn’t even seen him get up, which meant she’d accidentally gone from feeling sleepy to actually sleeping at some point.

“Thanks.”

“You wanna sleep?  I can head back to my room.”

“No, let’s at least finish the movie first,” she yawned.  “I really want to see how it ends.”

“Probably with Frankenfish killing everyone,” Josh mused as he collapsed back onto the couch.  He glanced at her, a grave expression on his face.  “Look, no offense, but I’m your friend and I care about you, so I have to say it.  You have really bad taste in movies, Ash.  Like really, really bad.  I think you need an intervention.”

She threw her pillow at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than the past couple, but I really enjoyed writing it. The world needs more Ash/Josh bonding.
> 
> Also I can't actually remember how Frankenfish ended. I can't remember very many details of it at all, actually. I think I just blocked the experience almost completely from my memory.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a perfect world, I would love to post chapters more than once a month (because it is going to take forever at this point), but life continues to be wild and unpredictable, so about once a month is about all I can pretty much for sure manage at this point. 
> 
> I'd like to thank the few dedicated readers I have who keep reading! I would probably write this one way or another, but it means a lot to me to know that there are people riding this train with me. <3

When Chris woke up the next morning, it took him a couple disoriented minutes to realize he wasn’t in his own bed and remember why he wasn’t in it.  The pillow his face was buried in smelled like Josh.  It was a smell that his brain had started associating with "warm, good, home" years ago and it still had that effect, apparently, because he did  _ not _ want to get up.  He wanted to sleep for another couple of hours, relish the fact that he was actually eager to sleep and not low-key dreading it.  Josh was nowhere to be seen, and his side of the bed wasn't warm -- he'd been gone awhile.  Sunlight was starting to filter in through the curtains.

How long had he slept?  It was definitely daytime, but it could’ve been eight in the morning or three in the afternoon for all he knew.  He groped around for his glasses on the nightstand beside the bed then picked up his phone.  Nine forty-six.  He’d slept until almost ten and if he’d had any nightmares, he couldn't remember them.  He couldn’t even remember the last time that had happened.

Sometime last year, probably.

He needed to get up.  If he got up now, he could have breakfast and shower without having to haul ass to get to class in time.  He sat up and stretched, shoulders popping.  He strained to hear what might be going on outside his room, but he didn’t hear anything -- not even the TV.  Had Josh gone out?

He got out of bed and made his way to the living room, yawning.  The TV  _ was _ on, a list of Netflix recommendations quietly displayed on the screen.  He was getting ready to call out to Josh when he came around the back of the couch, and the words died in his throat.  

Josh was there.  Josh and  _ Ash _ were there.  They were both in their PJs, fast asleep, slumped against each other.  Josh's face was propped on his hand, elbow leaning heavily on the arm of the couch.  Ash looked like she'd started out upright and slid sideways until Josh's shoulder had stopped her.  Josh looked ten times more relaxed than he ever did awake and Ash looked like the human equivalent of a warm hug in her fuzzy purple pajamas, cheek smushed into the angle of Josh's shoulder.

He wished he'd brought his phone in with him.  This was definitely something he wanted a picture of.  The next best thing was to try to memorize every detail of the image so he could remember it, like, every single day for the rest of his life.  Which was what he was doing when Josh groaned softly.

His eyes fluttered open and he blinked up at Chris blearily.

Chris grinned.  "Hey.  Good morning."

"Morning," Josh returned drowsily, confused.  He looked around a little, eyes focusing, and added, "I fell asleep."

"Yeah, I kinda got that impression when I found you guys drooling on each other."

He glanced down and startled like he hadn't realized Ash was there until Chris had mentioned it.  "Oh."   

"What's she doing here?"

"Uh, she couldn't sleep, so... I... invited her over?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, she was trying to get ahold of you, but she got me instead."

"Figuratively and literally, by the looks of things,” Chris laughed.

"This isn't-- I wasn't--"

"Josh, it's--"

But Josh was already trying to disentangle himself.  Ashley made a noise and leaned further in, wrapping an arm around his waist and pressing her face into his shirt.

"Mmpgh," she said.

Josh gave him a pleading look.  For as relaxed as he'd looked earlier, now it seemed like he couldn't get away fast enough.  Chris’s heart sank a little.  He felt like he'd ruined the moment.

"Uh, could you help me out?  I'm kinda… trapped."

"Here, maybe we can just sort of..."

He gently took Ash by the shoulders and peeled her away from Josh.  He lowered her onto the other end of the couch, careful not to move her around too much.  He didn’t want to wake her up.  He still had her cradled in his arms when her eyes cracked open.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," she said, smiling softly before her eyes drifted shut again.  Then she started snoring.  Loudly.

Josh snorted.  "Wow."

"Shh," Chris said, smothering a laugh.  "You'll wake her up."

"I don’t think there’s much danger of that."

He was probably right.  Ash curled in on herself, snuffled, and showed no sign whatsoever that Chris had disturbed her at all.

"That's incredible."

"Yeah."

Chris crossed his arms and gazed down at her fondly.  Her snoring had died down after she'd readjusted herself, and now she was breathing softly with her face pillowed on the arm of the couch.  Josh stood and pulled the blanket that was pooled around her waist up around her shoulders.  He even tucked her in, which was… really sweet.  This was all too cute for Chris to deal with this early in the morning.

"If you put that on her, she's gonna sleep for, like, ten more hours."

"So let her sleep," Josh said.  “Let's go eat breakfast or something that, y’know... doesn’t require sitting on the couch."

They migrated to the kitchen, and Josh hovered in front of the fridge for a couple minutes before opening the freezer and getting out some frozen waffles.

“I’d make you breakfast,” Josh said, “if we had eggs and shit.”  He stared pointedly at the toaster as he pushed down a set of waffles.  “As, you know, a thank you for keeping me company during my breakdown last night.”

“It’s the thought that counts,” Chris replied.  “And hey, man, don’t even worry about it.  I was happy to be there.  Besides, I should be thanking you.  For inviting Ashley over, I mean.  She gets kind of freaked out some nights, and I'm glad she didn't have to deal with it alone."

"Hey, it was my pleasure.”

“It's… really good to see you guys feeling comfortable around each other again."

Josh sat down in the chair across from him and ran a hand through his hair.  “Dunno if comfortable’s the right word for it, but we’re… getting there, maybe.”

“Well, good.  I’m glad.”

It was kind of nice to feel like things were on the right track, or at least on the way to getting back on the right track.  Insomnia aside, the past few weeks had started to feel almost normal.  A good kind of normal, filled with school and hanging out with Josh and Ash.  Then again, Sam was still ignoring his calls, so… not quite there.  Yet.  She was bound to start speaking to him again, eventually.  

He hoped.

~

They made sure a pot of coffee was ready by the time Ashley finally started to come around, which ended up being sometime around eleven.  As far as Chris knew, she didn’t have any classes she needed to get to today, and it wasn’t like he or Josh desperately needed the couch for anything, so they just left her to her own devices.  There was something nice about peeking in the living room and seeing her there.  She hadn’t slept over before.  

He almost wished Josh had woken him up for that, but on the other hand he had gotten one of the best night’s sleep he had in awhile, so he didn’t really have any complaints.  Besides the fact that all they had to eat for breakfast were Eggo waffles.  

“We need food.  Like, badly.”

“I’m up for a grocery run,” Josh replied.  “Probably shouldn’t desert sleeping beauty over there, though.”

“I’ll go grab a few things on my way home after class.”

As if on cue, there was the sound of movement in the living room, and Chris glanced over his shoulder to see Ashley sitting upright on the couch, stretching her arms over her head and groaning.

“Wow,” Josh said.  “Careful you don’t dislocate something doing that.”

Ash shambled into the kitchen, making a face and rubbing her eyes with both hands, pajama sleeves flapping as she did.  It was cute.  Way, way cuter than anyone had any right to be after just rolling off the couch after sleeping until noon.

“What time is it?”

“Noon-ish.”

She groaned.  “I can’t believe I slept so late.”

“Neither can we,” Josh said.  “That was really something.”

“Did you sleep well?” Chris asked.  

“Actually, yeah, I did.”  She looked at Josh.  “How long have you been up?”

“Since Chris caught us on the couch this morning.”

“I didn’t ‘catch’ you,” Chris protested.  “You guys were sleeping not staging a heist or anything.”

Josh picked up his coffee and drank it without another word.  It could’ve been the steam from the coffee making him blush, but Chris seriously doubted it.  He was going to tease him about this later.  It was too good not to, at least a  _ little _ bit.

“There’s a full pot of coffee,” Chris gestured.  “And we made breakfast.”

“And by made, he means we used the toaster.”

“That counts.”

“It doesn’t.”

“It totally does.  The waffles were frozen and now they aren’t, and these hands made it happen,” Chris reasoned, wiggling his fingers.

“ _ My  _ hands made it happen,” Josh pointed out.

Ash laughed and wandered over to the coffee maker.  She sat beside Chris with a mug in hand and reached hesitantly for the plate of waffles.  

“Umm, guys?  Are these okay to eat?  They look kind of funny.”

“It’s just a little freezer burn,” Josh waved.  “They’re our back-up food.  Meaning they’ve been sitting in the back of the freezer for… awhile.”

“They’re a little chewy, but they’re okay,” Chris agreed.  

“You guys need help, like…  _ serious _ help.  Do I have to call Sam over for an intervention?”

“You could if she was actually speaking to us,” he found himself saying before he could stop himself.

Ash frowned at him.  “Why isn’t Sam speaking to you?”

Josh raised an eyebrow.  “Is that a trick question?”

“Well, I-- I mean, I knew she hadn’t talked to Josh since…  But Chris, I thought you guys were talking and hanging out from time to time and stuff.”

“That was before he pissed her off trying to defend my not-so-defendable honor,” Josh said.  

“Oh.”

Chris shot Josh a look.  Josh shrugged helplessly, had the grace to look at least a little bit sheepish, and stabbed at his waffle with a fork.

“Well, if we can’t get Sam to whip you into shape, maybe I could call in Emily.”

“Emily wouldn’t teach us better food habits.” Josh said.  “She’d straight up murder us for wasting her time.  Probably  _ with _ the waffles.”

“Which would actually solve our eating problems,” Chris pointed out.  

Josh laughed, the tension eased, and the three of them ate old freezer-burned waffles together in companionable silence for awhile.

“So,” Chris began, dipping a waffle in syrup about five times more than necessary.  "Uh.  Maybe you could... spend the night sometime.  Again, I mean."

Ashley looked up from her plate.  "Really?"

His pulse sped up, but he felt a little more sure of himself when he said.  "Yeah!  I mean, if you want to.  I know you just spent the night, but..."  He trailed off.  He didn't want to suggest spending the night with  _ him _ specifically, because he didn't want Josh to feel weirder than he already did and he also didn't want Ash to think he had expectations, because he didn’t and it was way too early to even be thinking about  _ sex _ , and God, shit, what was he even--

"Okay."

He breathed, and tried his best not to look like he was having a heart attack.  "Okay?"

"Yeah.”  She smiled.  “I’d love to.”

“Well, good, I would… also… love to.  Sometime.”

Josh snorted into his coffee mug, but Josh hadn’t consistently dated someone pretty much ever and was in no position to criticize, so he could fuck right off.

~

Chris practically floated on a cloud after that.  He probably looked like a complete fucking dweeb to anyone at school who saw him, but he didn’t even care.  He’d had a great morning, Ash was going to spend the night with him sometime next week, and nothing and no one was going to ruin his mood.

Which lasted right up until he remembered he was supposed to take Buttercup to the vet to get checked out for… whatever cats got checked out for.  The shelter she’d come from had looked her over, but they’d told him she still needed a check-up.  Which had meant going down a list of vets they recommended.   _ Which _ had meant a bunch of phone calls a week ago before he’d finally found one that was both close and sounded good.

All for Buttercup’s appointment.  Which was today.  

He hadn’t set any reminders for it, because the whole thing had been a big enough hassle he figured there was no way he’d forget about it.  Now here it was, a half an hour before he was supposed to be at the vet’s office, and he was hurrying home trying to figure out how he was going to get that cat to the vet on time, survive two finals in the span of two days in a couple of weeks, and whether or not stress could cause a person’s brain to literally explode.  

Oops.

He burst into the apartment about ten minutes before he was supposed to be across town at the vet.  

"Wanna go to the vet with me?" he asked Josh.

"Why?  You coming down with something?"

"Ha ha, very funny.  Buttercup has an appointment."

"Wasn't that supposed to be yesterday?"

"Nope, today."  He paused, shifting from foot to foot nervously.  "I think."

~

As it turned out, Josh was right, the appointment  _ had _ been yesterday.  Chris was so embarrassed with himself that he almost just grabbed the cat carrier and ran back out the door.  The receptionist took pity on him, though, and squeezed them into the space left by someone else's cancelled appointment.

"It'll be about twenty minutes."

"Okay, no problem."

As far as waits go, that was pretty reasonable considering  _ he _ was twenty-four hours late.

Josh collapsed into the chair beside him.  “I left my lunch in the microwave.”

“Sorry.”

“Just as well, I mean… every stale Eggo waffle probably brings me one step closer to death.”

“I didn’t get groceries,” Chris said, covering his face in his hands.  “I was going to do that after class, but then I remembered the vet appointment.  From  _ yesterday _ .  I swear to God, Josh, some days I feel like I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached.”

“I feel that.”   


Chris had never been to a vet a day in his life.  As a kid, he’d had a lot of allergies and sensitivities -- none of them had been pet related, but his mom hadn’t been the kind of parent to take chance.  So, he hadn’t really had many pets.  He’d had a couple fish, which had led healthy albeit pretty boring lives until they’d inevitably died and flushed down the toilet.  No dogs.  No cats.  Not even a hamster, no matter how many times he’d begged his mom, because hamsters had fur, and if they had fur they  _ could have dander, Christopher _ .

So, honestly, sitting in a waiting room surrounded by sneezing dogs and hissing cats was a new, surreal experience that almost ranked up there with nearly getting his head torn off by a wendigo.  Almost.  Josh being there grounded him a little, settled his nerves, even though Josh had about as much experience with pet ownership as he did.

“Hey, look,” Josh whispered, nudging him and nodding his head not-so-discreetly to the left.  

Chris followed his line of sight, and saw a golden retriever.  Or, to be more accurate, a purple retriever that was probably originally golden, sitting beside a contrite looking little kid and said kid’s mom, who looked ready to have an aneurysm.  

“Oh my god.”

“That’s hilarious.”

“I don’t think she thinks so.”

“Hey, remember that time the kid who sat next to us in fifth grade brought that tarantula to show-and-tell and it jumped on your head?"

"Yeah," Chris said, repressing the urge to shudder.  "Why?"

"That kid over there has one," Josh said innocently.

"Yeah, right."  Chris stared straight ahead pointedly.  Then he glanced to the far right, in the corner of the waiting room.

The tarantula was huge.  It was in a carrier, one of those small ones for snakes, lizards... and, apparently, huge fucking spiders.  He wasn't scared of spiders.  Really.  He just had a problem with ones so big he could see every hair on their body and their fangs as they pressed their murderous nightmare faces against the walls of their prison.  Kind of like this one was doing.

"Hey, at least its contained," Josh whispered in his ear in a tone that was probably meant to be comforting.  It wasn’t, especially since he sounded like he was trying not to laugh -- not trying very hard, either.

"True," Chris said, watching the spider tap the walls angrily with its two front legs.

Then the little girl holding the carrier on her lap made a sympathetic noise, popped off the lid, and gently lifted the tarantula out.

"Oh," Josh said.

Tarantulas aside, it turned out to be not that bad of an experience.  Waiting for the vet felt uncomfortably similar to waiting for a doctor, and probably about as boring, but Josh looked comfortable even though they were surrounded by people.  If anything, he seemed like he was having fun people-watching and teasing him about spiders.

Chris grinned.

"What?"

"Nothing.  Just thinking."

"You've been away from her for like five seconds.  You've got it bad, bro."

“Actually, I--” 

Before he could finish his sentence, they finally got called in to see the vet.  The vet, who actually wasn't nearly as intimidating as the vague image he'd spent the past twenty minutes building up in his head.

She carefully examined the scars on Buttercup's face and ears long enough that it made him a little nervous.  When all was said and done, though, she confirmed the injuries were mostly superficial, and that Buttercup was in surprisingly good health considering her past history.  She asked them a few more questions, Chris asked her probably three times as many, including "Are cats homicidal?"

The vet had laughed at that.

When they got back to the car with a disgruntled cat in tow, Josh said, "You know she was flirting with you, like, the whole time, right?"

"What?  Who?"

"The vet, who else?"

"What?” Chris scoffed, “No." 

Josh gave him a look.  "What's with you?  Ash flirted with you for like ten years before you noticed.”

"I haven't even  _ known _ Ash for ten years.”

"True, but knowing you, you guys were probably already pining before you even met."

Chris laughed it off, heat rising in his face, and pulled out of the parking lot without further comment.  They were a couple blocks away when he said, "The vet wasn't flirting with me."

"Dude, she totally was."

Josh kept snickering at his expense the rest of the way home.  Even Buttercup seemed more cheerful than usual or, at least, wasn't seething with quiet rage anymore.  It was pretty nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Between you and me, it's debatable whether the vet was actually flirting with Chris or not, but Josh likes to tease him. (Don't we all, honestly.)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *emerges like a kraken with a new chapter* I am sorry for the wait, you guys. The writing is still going strong! Editing is just a nightmare because my living situation is noisy and chaotic as heck. Hope you enjoy! Thanks for sticking with me.

Josh had fully intended to sleep for the next ten years, but his phone had other plans.  It kept blaring at him in the most obnoxious tone known to man.  He groaned.  He could change it to something more bearable, but then he'd be more likely to ignore it, thus completely defeating the purpose of having it in the first place.  Besides, if his reminder to take his meds was going off, it meant it was noon.  If it was noon, he probably should’ve been considering getting out of bed anyway.

God, he really wasn’t feeling it, though.  It was one of those days where staying in bed all day sounded like a pretty good plan.  Getting up… getting dressed… those sounded like some highly overrated concepts.

His phone went off again.

Very begrudgingly, he got up and shuffled to the bathroom.  He opened the medicine cabinet and glared accusingly at his medication like it was its fault he needed a phone app to remind him to take care of himself.  So far he didn't feel that different on the new meds than he had on anything else he’d taken over the years.  Which is to say, like it was doing fuck-all nothing.  His therapist told him the new stuff might take awhile to have a noticeable effect and he just needed to be patient.  

He was trying to be optimistic -- he really was.  It was just hard.

On the bright side, the new meds didn’t have as many nasty side-effects as the shit he’d been taking last year had.  That was something, at least, right?  He was a big fan of not feeling like his insides were disintegrating.  For that, he was willing to give it a chance to work its magic, even if it was taking its sweet time.

He downed his pills, brushed his teeth, showered.  Did all the things he had to do to be presentable to the outside world, even though it took a herculean amount of effort.  It usually took him a couple hours to psych himself up enough to actually step out the door and out into civilization.  He hadn’t had this hard of a time in years.  It was a little embarrassing.  

Then again, having a psychotic break and getting possessed had a way of setting back a guy’s progress a little.  

If he were being completely honest with himself, if he hadn’t needed a refill on his meds asap, he probably wouldn’t have gone out today, or even tomorrow.  He wasn’t in the mood to reenact his last dance with medication withdrawal, though, so he didn’t have much of a choice.  

At least it wasn’t that far to go.  When he went to see his therapist, he had to take a bus, but the pharmacy was just a couple blocks away -- well within walking distance.  He couldn’t deny that it felt good to get some fresh air and have somewhere to walk  _ to _ instead of just aimlessly pacing around the apartment feeling like a caged animal.  Maybe there was  _ some  _ correlation between mental health and getting out occasionally.  

Maybe.

~

The sunlight bugged him _ a lot _ .  He wasn't sure if it was a lingering wendigo thing, a sign that he needed to get out more, his new meds, or some unholy combination of all of the above.  Either way, he'd worn sunglasses more often in the past few months than he'd probably had in his entire life.  It didn't exactly do his social graces any favors.  Apparently the only thing people on the street found more creepy than a guy with a fucked-up face was a guy with a fucked-up face wearing sunglasses.  People were gonna stare no matter what, though, so he'd be damned if he was going to let a bunch of assholes he didn't even know guilt him into walking around squinting everywhere instead.

His favorite sandwich place in town was just around the corner from the pharmacy, which was so convenient it bordered on downright serendipitous.  The universe couldn’t hate him that much if it willing to give him easy access to both good food and good meds in a single trip.

The people at the sandwich shop all knew him.  He liked to think it was because he was a beloved regular and not because of his dazzling profile.  The employees didn’t stare anymore, at least, which made him feel something edging dangerously close to comfortable there.  

The light streaming in through the windows when he walked in made leaving the sunglasses on an awfully tempting prospect, but he was trying really hard to be more approachable to people, and wearing sunglasses indoors probably didn’t give off a whole lot in the way of friendly vibes.  He slipped them off his face with a grimace and squinted up at the menu.

“Rough night?” the guy who took his order asked.  

“They’re all kinda rough, bro.”

The guy laughed, probably thinking he was hungover, and Josh didn’t correct him.  The ironic thing was, a couple years ago, that probably  _ would _ have been a fair guess.  Wild how life could change so much in such a short span of time.  The thought made his chest ache, and he shoved it to the back of his mind.  He was trying to keep his public breakdowns to a minimum.

Once he got his sandwich, he found the darkest corner of the place to plant his ass.  Which was still pretty bright, because the shop was ninety-nine percent windows on account of it being a hip, friendly sandwich place and not a dank cave.  He got a seat with his back to the wall, though, so at least he didn’t feel completely exposed.

His phone rang when he was about halfway through his sandwich.  He took it out of his pocket and stared at it for a minute, feeling a little dumbfounded.  He didn’t get a whole lot of calls these days. 

Especially from Ashley.  

That made the second time in a couple weeks that Ashley had called him, which he was pretty sure was two times more than she had in the year before that.  That wasn’t even counting texts, since she’d pinged him a few more times after their impromptu sleepover.

Could it be?  Was Josh Washington emerging from his hermitage?  

He finally decided he should actually  _ answer _ the phone before it stopped ringing.  “Hey.”

“Hi,” Ashley’s voice crackled over the phone.  “What are you up to?”

“Eating lunch.”

“Oh, sorry.”

He shook his head, realized she couldn’t see it, and said, “Nah, it’s alright.  Um, what are…  _ you _ up to?”

There was a pause, almost like she was surprised he’d shown active interest in her life. 

“I’m on my way to my next class, actually.  It starts in a few minutes.”

“And you decided to spend those few minutes on the phone with me?” 

“Is that so weird?”

“Kinda weird.  I wouldn’t think I’d be that high on your priority list.”

“Josh,” she admonished, “that’s terrible to say!”

He shrugged -- realized again that she couldn’t see it.  “I’m not saying I don’t… appreciate it.  It’s just a surprise.”  He added, “A nice surprise.”

“Well… I might have an ulterior motive,” she admitted.  “But I swear, it’s not the  _ only _ reason I called.”

“I knew it.”

“Josh--”

“I’m offended, Ash.  I think this has seriously damaged our relationship.”

“Josh!” she laughed.  “Okay, so… could you do me a favor?"

He took a bite out of his sandwich.  "I don't know.  What's in it for me?"

"My eternal gratitude?"

"Works for me."

"Okay, so… I need to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, but I'm stuck in classes until five and the pharmacy closes--”

“At three?”

"Wh--  How did you know?”

"The pharmacy on Main Street, right?"

It was a family-owned place, small, and every Friday the pharmacist closed up shop earlier to go to her son’s soccer game.  It was  _ possible _ Ashley was talking about some other pharmacy that just happened to close unusually early on Fridays, but he doubted it.

There was a long pause, then Ashley said, "How have we been going to the same pharmacy this whole time and never ran into each other?"

That was a good question.  Then again, there were seven days in the week and Ashley had a busy college schedule and Josh had a busy “lurk in his apartment and never come out” schedule, so it wasn’t that much of a stretch.

“Dunno, but I'm in the neighborhood today.  I can pick your stuff up, no problem."

"Really, are you sure?"

He'd already planned on going there after lunch.  It was pretty much the only reason he'd gone out in the first place.  It wouldn’t really take that much longer than it would’ve anyway.  If anything, it would take  _ more _ effort to tell Ashley no, which would’ve shot right over “rude” and straight into “asshole” territory.

"Yeah, really.  I'll take care of it.  Did you call ahead to let them know someone’s gonna be picking it up?"

"No, but I will!  Right now!  Thanks Josh, you're the best."

He really wasn’t, but it was still nice to hear.  "Not a problem."

"It should be around ten bucks, and I swear I'll pay you back when I come to pick it up."

"Yeah, okay."  

It was only ten dollars.  That was like… nothing.  It wouldn’t take him long to finish lunch, then he’d head on out.  It was only two -- he still had more than enough time to walk down to the pharmacy before it closed for the day.

A kid sitting with his mom at the table across from him was staring, mouth slightly agape.  An adult would’ve been more discreet about it, or at least tried to be.  He wasn’t sure if he prefered honest, straightforward stares of horror or low-key uncomfortable ones.  He was getting a little sick of both.

He leaned forward and said, "Boo."

The kid visibly jumped and hid behind his menu.  Okay, that had probably been a mean thing to do.

"What?" Ash asked.

"Nothing.  I'm done with lunch, so I'll head over there right now."

“You’re a lifesaver Josh, seriously.  I’ll drop by your apartment later!”

“Alright.”

He hung up and sat for a couple minutes longer.  He wasn’t done eating yet, but more people were starting to stare, now, and the mom of the kid he’d startled was outright glaring at him.  Okay, yeah, that had definitely been mean.

_ No backsies on traumatizing small children, bro.   _

Definitely time to make a quick getaway.  He crumpled up the paper his sandwich had been wrapped in, along with what was left of the sandwich, and got out of his chair as fast as he could while still being cool and nonchalant about it and totally not fleeing in terror.  He could feel everyone’s eyes burning holes in him, and the bright, friendly sandwich shop felt a whole lot smaller than it had when he’d walked in.

_ They’re just staring, they aren’t going to murder you _ , he reasoned.   _ You’re not being rational. _

_ Rationality’s overrated, _ his brain supplied in response, cartwheeling around in his skull like the chemically imbalanced hooligan it was.

He fled.

~

He lucked out when he reached his destination.  The line was practically nonexistent.  The line, honestly, was _ always _ nonexistent.  Most people got their meds at one of the ten CVSs that dotted the city instead of a small family-owned place, probably, and it made him wonder how this one got enough business to  _ stay _ in business, but he was glad it did.  It always had just the right amount of non-activity that he was comfortable with.  And the employees -- which basically consisted of the pharmacist, a couple of her relatives, a couple family friends, and one beleaguered college student they’d hired part time -- were a nice bunch.

The pharmacist in particular was sweet.  It helped a lot that she didn’t treat him like a bomb about to go off, which was less of a problem he had with pharmacists and more a problem he had with people in general.  Getting treated like he wasn’t made of glass was such a rare thing these days and it went a long way towards getting on his good side.  

Once she’d brought his meds out to him, he explained the situation with Ashley.

"It's very nice of you to pick up Ashley’s medication for her," the pharmacist said.  "She’s a very sweet girl," she added innocently.  A little too innocently.

"She's just a friend."

"Oh?"

"She's dating my best friend."

“Ah,” she tsked.  "That's too bad."

"Not really.  The two of them are so cute it’s, like, nauseating.  But it’s good.”

He wished he could say that without feeling a vague tickle of jealousy, but he meant it.  He was glad they were together.  He was glad to still have both of them in his life.  He could live with a little bit of jealousy if they were happy.

Besides, if Chris and Ashley were together and could make things work even after everything that had happened then at least he hadn't  _ completely _ ruined everyone's lives.

_ Only just mostly. _

He felt a little awkward, now that they were discussing his love life -- or lack thereof.  He just wanted to grab his and Ash’s meds and go.

The pharmacist chuckled, like she knew  _ exactly  _ how successful she’d been in embarrassing him.  “I’ll go get Ashley’s medication for you.”

“Please.”

When she came back, she looked a little less cheerful than she had when she’d gone.  “It seems as though there was a problem with the insurance.”

He sighed.  “Figures.”

“One of my techs has called, several times, but the situation still hasn’t been resolved.”

“How much is it without the insurance?”

“Two hundred dollars.”

He blinked.  That... was more than Ash had said it would be.  A lot more.

The surprise must've shown on his face, because the pharmacist said, "I can hold it for her and try again after the weekend.”

That would leave Ash hanging for a couple of days.  He didn’t know what she was taking -- didn’t want to know, to be honest, it wasn’t his business -- but she wouldn’t have asked him to pick it up for her if it wasn’t important that she get it as soon as possible, right?  

He bit his lip and shook his head.  "Don't worry about it."

"Josh--"  

"I'll just pay for it.  I have the money, it's fine."

He knew from experience that if the pharmacist got into an insurance dispute over the phone, it was going to take more time than either of them had left in the day.

“That's a lot of money.  Are you sure?”

He nodded.  “Yeah.”

Unemployed rehabilitated wendigos didn’t make a lot of money, but that was what the handy dandy Washington family fortune was for.  He got an allowance from his parents.  As long as he didn’t go really wild and buy a yacht or something, they wouldn’t bat an eyelash.

She gave him a knowing look.  “She must be a very good friend.”  

“Maybe I just have a generous spirit.”

"Ashley has a boyfriend, you said?"

God.  This had to be the first time in his entire life anyone had tried to set him up with  _ Ashley _ .  

"Yep.  They've been in love for, like, pretty much forever, so..."

"It must be difficult for you."

"They're happy, I’m happy,” he said, and he mostly meant it.  She wasn’t wrong, even if she was a little off the mark.  

"You're a good boy."

He snorted.  She had *no* idea, but he appreciated the sentiment.  He snatched up the bag and left.  For the second time that day, he fled.

~   


Not long after he’d gotten home, Ash texted him to let him know she was on her way over.  He sat by the kitchen window overlooking the street and took bets on whether or not Ashley’s car was going to pull up outside or if it had died on her again.  Surprisingly enough, the infamous clunker itself appeared about ten minutes later.  It was spewing enough crap out of its tailpipes that he wondered how it functioned even half as often as it did.

When he greeted Ashley at the door, he said, “Look, I don’t know how to tell you this…”

Her face fell.  “What?”

“It’s your car.  I think we need to put it out of its misery.”

She laughed.  “Oh, stop.  It’s fine.”

“Right now, it’s fine.  An hour from now… who knows.”  

“Don’t jinx it!”

“I don’t need to jinx it.  That  car's already  a jinx.”

“Can I come in, or did you want to keep insulting my car?”

Josh moved to the side so she could walk in.  He followed her across the living room and scooped up the paper bag he had left sitting there when he’d gotten home.  “Merry Christmas.”

She took the bag from him with a grateful sigh.  “Thank you so much for doing this, Josh.  Seriously, I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d had to go the whole weekend without anxiety meds.”

She opened the bag and peeked inside.  Double-checking the contents, probably.  In hindsight he maybe should have asked what she was getting so he could make sure it was the right meds, but he hadn’t wanted to be nosy.  He wasn’t a big fan of people asking him about  _ his _ meds.  

Her eyes widened as she scanned the receipt and it made him regret not just sticking it in his pocket.  

“Oh.”

“Ash--”

“Oh my  _ god _ !”

“Seriously, it's--”

"I'll pay you back."  

"You really don't have to."

"But--"

"Ashley."  

She stopped, took a breath, and looked at him quietly.

"Don't worry about it.  Really.  You know, it was nothing."

"It was something, Josh."

The whole gratitude thing felt really awkward and he wasn’t sure what to do with it.  He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged.  “Well.  You’re welcome?”

"I should probably call my insurance before their office closes so I don’t have to deal with this mess next time.”

"Probably a good idea."

She dug her phone out of her pocket and walked across the living room.  Josh had no sooner settled onto the couch when she popped up again, leaning over his shoulder.  "Seriously, Josh, thank you."  She kissed him on the cheek and before he had time to react, she was gone again.

Well, that had went well.

He liked Ash.  He'd always liked Ash.  Occasional jealousy aside, he was pretty firmly in the "Ash is good to have around" camp.  On some level, though, he hadn’t been sure that he had it in him to do this whole friendship thing again, with anyone.  Chris was easy, comparatively -- Chris was way more forgiving than Josh actually deserved.  Fixing things with him did not mean Josh was capable of fixing things with anyone else.  Now that he was actually trying, that meant there was an actual chance of him fucking it up.  

"Hey."

Ash's voice startled him out of his trainwreck of thought processes, which he was grateful for.

She collapsed onto the couch.  "So, the insurance thing was just a computer glitch, apparently?  They'll call the pharmacy next week to sort it all out and they're going to refund the money and everything."  She let out a breath.  "So it's good to know I didn't get dropped without notice or anything.  God!"

He smirked.  "Are they gonna pay the hospital bill for the heart attack they gave you, too?"

"I know, right?  I guess I should… probably go?”

“I guess.”

“I mean, you probably have other plans to get back to."

"Yeah, you're interrupting my Netflix bingeing time, get out."  She laughed and he smiled.  “You can stick around, if you want.  My viewing preferences might not be up to your sophisticated movie standards, but…”

She swatted him on the shoulder.  It felt like a step in the right direction, even if it stung a little.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to get this posted last month but unfortunately Life Happened. The next month is probably going to be really hectic so fingers crossed.

With finals on the horizon, a lot of people were stressing about studying for them, and every library in a ten mile radius was hopelessly packed with people.  Ash couldn’t focus in a spot like that -- even if she could find a place to sit.  Fortunately she ended up getting invited to a lunchtime crunch session that one of her classmates promised would feature both literal food crunching and figurative study time crunching.  There were a lot of people there, but a lot of them were familiar faces and they spread out a little better in the courtyard than in a confined indoor space, so it worked for her.

“Ash!  Hey!”

She hadn’t expected to bump into Matt there.  

Even though they went to the same school they had no classes together and they’d been so busy with their respective schedules that even when they occasionally bumped into each other, it was usually in passing as they hurried off to their next class.  It bummed her out a little.  Her and Matt used to hang out all the time.  She couldn’t help but wonder if he was actively avoiding her, maybe.  None of them really hung out together as much as they used to. 

“Matt!  This is a surprise!”  He smiled at her awkwardly and she quickly added.  “A nice surprise!  Do you know someone here?”

“Yeah, Amanda,” he pointed across the cluster of tables they had all decided to meet at out in the campus courtyard.  

Ashley may not have had any classes with Matt, but she had several with Amanda, and Amanda must’ve had some with Matt.  It was like a game of six degrees of separation game with college courses.

“You know, I think between all of us here, we have, like, someone from every single class.”

“I think you’re probably right,” Matt replied.  “It’s kinda cool, actually.  Makes me feel included, you know?  I don’t have a whole lot of friends here yet.”

“Well,” Ash said, putting a hand on his shoulder, “you have me!  And Amanda!  You’ll meet people, it just takes awhile to figure out how to juggle having a social life and having classes.”

“Tell me about it,” he groaned.  “I’m having a hard enough time making time for Em, and Em is  _ definitely  _ someone you gotta make time for.”

Ashley hummed.  “Yeah, she’s a bit… high maintenance.”

“Well, I don’t consider it maintenance.”  His tone was so fond, Ash aww’d internally.  “But I definitely wish we had more time together.  Half the time we end up falling asleep on the couch.”

“Hey, don’t knock falling asleep on couches,” Ashley protested.  “It’s a good bonding experience!”

The study group ended up working out great for everyone involved.  She felt like she absorbed more information in the hour she spent there in the courtyard than she had the last few times she’d tried braving the library.  There was definitely something to be said about studying in an atmosphere that was more relaxed and less desperate and frantic.

“We should do this more often,” Matt said.  “Not the studying, but hanging out, I mean.”

“Yeah, we should have lunch or go see a movie or something sometime.”

Matt gave her a look, and before she could even finish having the suspicion that was sneaking up on her, he said, “Only if I get to pick the movie.  I’ve heard about your movie tastes.”

~

Ash only had one class left to go to afterward, and that one was a breeze.  It was like having a free period instead of an actual class; most of it was a review of concepts she already knew.  If she daydreamed through it, she wasn’t losing out on anything too important.  

And inevitably, her daydreaming mind wandered in Chris’s direction.  

It kept wandering in his direction for most of the class, and she found herself thinking about their planned sleepover that they hadn’t, so far, actually  _ planned _ .  It was on the table, but they hadn’t ever actually established when they wanted to do it.  That had been a couple of weeks and something like two and a have dates ago, though.  How was she supposed to bring it up now?  She wasn’t exactly good at casually bringing up things, as evidenced by it taking her several  _ years _ to tell the guy she liked that she liked him.  

Even then, it had taken getting strapped to a chair and thinking she was about to die, which was about as embarrassing as it was horrifying.

They both had classes scattered throughout the week.  They both worked, though their schedules were both pretty flexible, usually.  Still, she didn’t want to just assume Chris was available to come over whenever.  So… she should ask him, definitely, but how should she build up to it?  She didn’t want to seem too eager.  Or not eager  _ enough _ .  God, this was a mess.

It turned out to be way easier than she’d thought it would be in the end.  Mainly because during a conversation with him on the phone a couple days later, she just came right out and blurted, “Do you want to spend the night with me?”

There was a long silence on the other end, the only sound the faint crackling of the phone line and her heart pounding in her ears.  Oh god. 

“Well, since you brought it up--”

“It’s okay if you’re busy, I-- I just thought--”

“I’m not.  I’m not busy.  I… am… available.  Actually.”

“Oh.  Good.”

“Your place or mine?”

“Yours!  You’ve got a bigger bed.”

“So,” Chris said, tone carefully casual, “you checked out my bed.”

Ashley laughed and tried to ignore the way her face heated, even though she knew he couldn’t see it.  “I didn’t  _ check it out _ , exactly.  I went in there looking for your cat and I just… happened to see it!  It’s hard to miss!”

“I mean, it  _ is  _ a good-sized bed, but I, uh, haven’t… seen… yours, though, so I can’t really make a comparison.”

“Well.  Maybe you should come see it, then.”

“Y-yeah?”  

“Yeah!  I mean…  I’ve seen your room, so...  It’d be kind of unfair not to show you mine.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want you to feel-- pressured.  To show me.”

She wasn’t completely sure if they were still talking about bedrooms.  “I’m not.  I don’t.  I mean, no pressure.  Whatever happens or doesn’t happen is...  Let’s just see how it goes, you know?” 

“Yeah!  That’s-- that sounds good to me.”  He almost sounded relieved.

It felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest.  Not that she didn’t  _ want _ to think about Chris “seeing her bedroom” because she definitely did, at some point, want him to.  She just wasn’t sure exactly when she was going to be ready for that, or when  _ Chris _ was going to be ready for that.  Besides, she had a hard enough time inviting him over to hang out for the night, much less inviting him over for sex.  She was nervous about screwing up, moving too slow or too fast.  They’d both been waiting a long time to even get to this point, it made it hard to know what pace to set.  

It was comforting, in a way, to know Chris was just as nervous as she was.  

With the date finally established, she devoted her weekend to cleaning up around her apartment.  Sure, Chris had been to her place before -- and it hadn’t always been at its tidiest when he had -- but he was going to  _ spending the night _ and she didn’t want her apartment looking like the seventh circle of hell.  

It was definitely true that her bed was smaller.  Her apartment in general was smaller, really, but she didn’t want to back out of it now.  It was done, it was out there.  The bed was probably going to be a bit of a tricky fit for two people, but if they  _ snuggled  _ really close…

Gosh.

She made sure to pick up any errant clothes she had lying around and tossed them in her closet.  Her coffee table was buried under books.  She didn’t really have enough shelf space for  _ all _ of them -- which was part of the problem -- but she tucked a few away and organized the ones she left on the table so they looked less like a bookstore had thrown up in the middle of her living room.  All of this was stuff she should have done weeks ago, probably, but time really got away from her sometimes.  There was only so much she could do in a short span of time, but she managed.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough.

~

When Chris showed up on her doorstep the night of the grand sleepover he came bearing two huge plastic grocery bags full of…?  Groceries?

“So, I brought some stuff,” Chris said, lifting the bags for her to see.  “To, uh, cook.”

“Cook?”

“Well, I know we talked about ordering pizza or something, but I figured…  The grocery store was on the way, and I’ve been told that my spaghetti isn’t totally inedible.”

Ashley laughed.  “Well, how can I say no to that?” 

“You totally can, if you want.  I could just take this stuff home with me tomorrow.”

“And make Josh spaghetti, instead,” she accused.  

“Probably,” he replied, then, in an exaggerated wounded tone, “I know  _ he _ appreciates my spaghetti.”

Ashley grinned.  “Or thinks it’s edible, at least.”

“You know, if you keep this up, I’m gonna just take this pasta and my broken heart and go.”

“Oh, get in here before my neighbors think you’re trying to sell me something.”

Chris crossed the threshold into her apartment and headed towards the kitchen when she pointed him in the right direction.  “Traveling pasta salesman.  Wonder if that’s a good career track?”

“Why?  Are you worried about the one you’re on now?”

“Not really, but it doesn’t hurt to have a Plan B, right?”

“My Plan B if my literature major falls through is waving a car wash sign on a corner.”

“In a bikini?”

She laughed in surprise, and  _ he _ laughed in surprise, like he hadn’t meant to actually say that out loud.  He was already turning a bright shade of pink.  

“Would that sell more car washes?”

“Well, it’d… definitely get my attention.”

Ashley plucked the bags from his hands.  “You’d probably crash into something.  Then who’d cook for me?”

“Josh isn’t a bad cook.”

“Josh would probably disown me after I got you killed.”

“Fair point.”

He followed her into the kitchen, looking less like a man on a cooking mission and more like a man who was beginning to realize he may have gotten in over his culinary head.  She wasn’t going to let him back out of this, though.  A guy couldn’t just offer someone home-cooked pasta and then not deliver.  It just wasn’t done.  

She showed him where she kept all her pots and pans.  While he was picking out which of them he was going to use and getting them down from where they were dangling, Ash went ahead and started laying out the contents of the grocery bags on the counter.  She took stock of everything, because if they were missing some ingredient crucial to the spaghetti process it would be better to find out now instead of halfway through the cooking.

“Ash, how often do you cook?”

“Not… often, why?”

“Because your pot and pan collection looks like something out of a cooking show.”

“They were a housewarming gift, from Dad.”

“Does he know you aren’t actually using them?”

“No, and he never needs to find out.”

“Ashley,” Chris admonished, “that’s… kinda evil.”

“It’s not like I  _ mean _ not to use them!  Once I’m done with school I’ll have more time for cooking.”

“So you’re totally going to use them.”

“Yes.”

He crossed his arms and looked at her.  “In another three to four years.”

“Yes, I am!” 

Chris gave her a skeptical look and she slapped him on the arm with a pot holder.  

“Oww!”

~   


“You know,” she said as she watched Chris stir the softening strands of angel hair pasta, “my dad always told me to date someone who could cook.”

“Oh geez,” he laughed.  “The pressure’s on, now.”

“He told me that when I was, like, twelve.  I think he was worried I’d never get past the blowing up microwaves phase of my life.”

Chris paused.  “Wait a minute.  When did you blow up a  _ microwave _ ?  How?”

“I was trying to make one of those brownie in a mug things?  And the mug was, umm, not microwave safe.”

“Yikes.”  

Ashley lifted her right arm and twisted it around for him to see.  She had a scar -- a faint one -- down the length of her forearm.  It hadn’t just blown up the mug, the microwave itself had literally exploded -- or at least the glass of the door had.  It had been a pretty nasty cut at the time, but, it could have been a lot worse and her dad hadn’t let her use the microwave for a  _ month _ .  Even after that he’d been a little wary.

“Shit,” Chris said, putting the wooden spoon down to take her arm.  “You weren’t kidding.”

“Nope.”

“You know, now I’m a little nervous about you being this close to the stove…”  

She slapped him on the chest.  “I was  _ twelve _ .”

He laughed, and she laughed, too, even though it totally ruined her attempt at being indignant.  Chris was still holding her arm, rubbing it idly with his thumb.  She leaned in and stood on the tips of her toes to kiss him.

“I’d love to continue this,” Chris said softly, “but the spaghetti needs me.”

“I understand.  The spaghetti has to come first.”

“Well,  _ you _ come first, but since the spaghetti’s  _ for _ you, it sort of turns into one of those ‘chicken or the egg’ kind of situations.  Which came first, the Ashley or the pasta?”

“Me?”

“See, you would think so, but if you think of spaghetti as a  _ concept _ \--”

“Oh no,” Ash laughed.

“--spaghetti as a food predates you by like a million years.”

“A million?  Are you sure about that?  That… doesn’t sound right.  That sounds fake.”

The spaghetti survived the cooking despite Ashley’s distractions.  It actually lived up to Chris’ boasts -- and exceeded them.  It was more than just edible, it was actually good.

“This is really good.”

“You’re not just saying that to protect my delicate feelings are you?”

“No, really, it’s really good.  Thanks for this.”

“Well, thanks for having me over.”

“I’ve really been looking forward to it.”

“Me too.”  

He reached out across the table and laid a hand over hers.  She smiled, he smiled, they smiled.  It was a very smile-heavy moment.

~

Next on the night’s agenda was a movie.  She didn’t have a huge selection, but she let Chris have at it.  Their tastes overlapped enough that there was bound to be something in there they’d both enjoy.  She trusted him to pick out something good.

“I can’t believe you actually own Bee Movie,” Chris said, gesturing at her collection in disbelief.  “I can’t believe it’s an actual physical item that exists on this shelf, that I can see with my own two eyes.”

“Do you want to watch it?”

Chris shot her a look that tried to be neutral, but she could see the fear in his eyes and she started giggling uncontrollably.

“You aren’t going to make me watch it.”

“No, I’m not going to make you watch it.”

“Ash, my life flashed before my eyes.”

“Have you ever seen it?”

“No.”

“You aren’t even a little bit curious?”

“ _ No _ .”

She didn’t want to spook him.  Bee Movie was probably a two year anniversary level of bomb to drop on someone.  She was willing to bide her time.  They eventually settled on Star Wars: A New Hope, which was a movie they both enjoyed. 

“Do you want to try to watch the rest of them?”

“I don’t have anywhere else to be.”

“Six movies…”  She mused while Chris fiddled with her DVD player.  “I think we might need popcorn for a marathon this long.  I’ll go fix some real quick while you’re getting the movie ready.”  

She was pretty sure there was no possible way they could get through her entire collection in the span of a single night, short of cancelling sleep all together.  Didn’t mean she wasn’t willing to try, though.

“Cool.”  He leaned over the back of the couch and added, “Don’t blow up the microwave!”  

She looked over her shoulder and stuck out her tongue.

~

Watching movies in the dark on her couch felt a lot more intimate than watching one in a movie theater --  _ and _ she could get a lot closer.  She scooted in close to Chris and smiled to herself when he wrapped an arm around her.  She'd been sure she'd have the stamina for the full marathon, but snuggled up against Chris, she began to feel drowsy halfway through The Empire Strikes Back.  

"You aren't falling asleep, are you?"

"No," she yawned.

"Maybe we should go to bed” he suggested.  “I mean, we can always watch another one in the morning before I leave, if you want.”

In the morning.  "Okay.  That's probably a good idea, I don't think I--"  The rest of her sentence was swallowed up by another huge yawn.  Chris laughed, and she covered her face in her hands.  "Gosh, wow.  Right, bed."

“Okay, I’ll--” Chris gestured vaguely towards the hallway, “--change and meet you in your… room?  I guess?”

“You guess?”

“I-- I mean, I will.  Meet you there.”

They parted ways in the hallway, Chris splitting off towards the bathroom with his backpack full of sleepover supplies in tow and Ash making her way to her bedroom.  She sat on the edge of her bed for a second, flailing mentally, taking stock of the room to make sure everything was  _ just _ right before she actually started changing into her pajamas.  

A little bit later Chris poked his head through the doorway.  “Hey.”

“Hi.”

He lingered there, and she stayed where she was, and it took several minutes before she realized that he wasn’t actually going to move unless she actually told him it was okay to come in.  She had this hysterical mental image of him just standing there all night, frozen in that position.  “Oh, come in!  Were you going to stand there all night?”

“What?  Oh, no, I was just.  Stretching my neck.”

“Uh huh.”

He walked into the room and glanced around.  She was definitely glad she’d cleaned up a little.  It was cluttered, but a better organized kind of clutter.

“So,” he said.   


“I have to brush my teeth,” Ashley blurted.  Hastily, she added, "Go ahead and get comfortable and I... will be right back."

“Oh!  Uh, alright.”  

He sat on her bed and her brain started flailing again.  If he noticed that she was suddenly acting like a complete idiot, he didn’t show it, he just smiled at her shyly.  She headed to the bathroom, like a calm, adult person who was totally not freaking out about a guy sitting on her bed.  

Chris was in her room.  Chris was sitting on her bed.  Chris was  _ on her bed _ \-- soon to be  _ in _ it.  Which, of course, was how having your boyfriend sleep over was supposed to work, she knew this, and yet the actual reality of it was...

_ Aaaaaaaaa! _ her brain offered, which really wasn't helpful at all.

She paced around excitedly for a solid five minutes before composing herself enough to dig out her toothbrush and actually brush her teeth.  A million different scenarios ran through her mind; a few a little too saucy for their first night together probably, but…  Well, she couldn’t be blamed for  _ thinking  _ about it.  She examined herself in the mirror, ran her brush through her hair, made sure she didn't have any toothpaste on her face or anything.  Took a deep breath.

As she padded quietly back down the hall, she was a little bit nervous, but for the first time in a long time it wasn’t because she low-key felt like something was waiting in the dark to eat her.  The shadows of her apartment were just shadows.  Maybe it was a little easier to dismiss her weird anxiety thoughts when she wasn’t left alone with them all night.

She tried not to make too much noise on her way back into the bedroom, just in case Chris had fallen asleep waiting for her to finish flipping out in the bathroom.  He hadn’t.  He smiled at her when she came in and her heart flopped around in her chest.  She gave him a small wave.

She’d expected to feel nervous, crawling under the sheets with another person.  Especially when that person was  _ Chris _ .  Not that she wasn't a little nervous, but it was a good kind of nervous, more of a feeling of anticipation than actual anxiety -- it was a thin line.  

The bed was already warm beneath the blankets and she snuggled up against him.  It was almost irritating how quickly she started to feel drowsy again once his arms were around her.  She was in bed!  With Chris!  She wanted to stay awake so she could  _ savor _ the experience.  There'd be other nights, sure, but none of them would be  _ this _ night.  She wanted to bask in it for as long as she could.

"So," Chris said, tone casual, "Josh tells me you drool."

Ash buried her face in his shoulder, laughing.  "Oh god!"

He laughed, too, and being able to feel it reverberate through her body was legitimately one of the best feelings.  "I just want you to know, it's okay.  I can handle it.”

“I appreciate that.”

She didn’t remember drooling on Josh.  Then again, she didn’t remember falling asleep  _ on  _ Josh in the first place and he’d been long gone by the time she’d woken up that morning.  She felt mildly betrayed that he’d told Chris she drooled.  How embarrassing.  Funny, but embarrassing.

She fought another yawn and the yawn won.  Chris pressed a kiss to the top of her head. 

"G’night, Ash."

She turned her face upward to kiss him, but the angle was wrong and she ended up with a faceful of neck instead.  "Good night," she muttered sleepily.

Five seconds later -- possibly less -- she was out like a light.

~   


A few hours later, she was startled out of a sleep so sound she halfway forgot where she was for a second.  There was this weird, sleepy moment where her brain didn’t recognize her own bed, mostly because there wasn’t usually someone else in it with her.  Then she remembered Chris was there.  

That's also when she realized what must've woken her up.  

He wasn't thrashing, exactly, but he was moving around an awful lot, tangling himself in the bed sheets.  It didn't take long to figure out whatever dream he was having probably wasn’t a good one.  

"Chris?"

He didn’t wake up.  She wasn’t sure what to do.  She didn’t want to try shaking him awake and end up scaring him even worse.

She gently ran her fingers through his hair.  "Shh, it's okay."

It didn’t really help much.  Wherever Chris was, she wasn’t reaching him.  Eventually, though, either the nightmare ended or he finally startled himself awake.   


"Ash?" 

"Hey," she said softly.  "You were having a nightmare, I think.”

He looked like he wanted to cry, throw up, or both.  "Shit, did I wake you up?"

"No.  Well… yeah, but it’s okay.”

“Sorry."

She gently rubbed his shoulder.  "Don't be.  I'm glad I woke up.”

Even by bad dream standards, that had been pretty bad, even from an outside perspective.  Part of her wanted to ask what he'd been dreaming about, but it probably wouldn't help for him to dwell on it in the middle of the night when he should be trying to get back to sleep.  Besides, she didn’t really need to ask.  She had some pretty good guesses.

Chris frowned.  "Bet this isn't how you pictured our first night together, huh?"

"It was a good night, Chris.  One bad dream doesn’t wreck the whole thing, does it?”

“Right.  You’re right.”

He looked miserable and exhausted.  Too sleepy to really be awake, but still too freaked out to doze off again.  She wondered how many nights he spent like this, alone.  Even if she didn’t know how to help -- or even if she  _ could _ help -- she was still glad she was there for him.  

She tugged him close gently enough that if he didn’t want to be held he could’ve pulled away.  He didn’t.  He hooked his chin on her shoulder with a tired sigh and she rubbed his back.  She could feel him trembling under her hands.

"You should try to get some sleep."

"I don't know if I can, Ash.  Sorry.”

“Don’t be.  Stop apologizing.”

One of his arms snaked around her waist.  She was pretty sure the gesture was more for his comfort than hers, but it still felt nice.  If Chris dreamt again when he eventually fell back asleep, he didn’t show it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I actually own (owned? I'm in this awkward position where I'm not sure which of my belongings I still actually have, haha, it might be gone) Bee Movie on dvd. There, I admitted it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, it has been AWHILE and I am really sorry about that. I moved back into my house after a whole bunch of drama and things in my life in general have been A Lot, but I'm hoping to get back on a semi-regular posting schedule again with this thing.
> 
> This chapter has a lot of vomit talk, just a heads up.

Chris had never been so embarrassed in his entire life, which was a pretty huge achievement for him.  Ash had been totally cool about his freakout and in the morning he’d laughed it off like it was nothing, but part of him almost wished he hadn’t spent the night in the first place.  A small part, but a part.  He’d had a great time, Ash had been great, and he’d been super proud of himself for not setting her kitchen on fire or anything.  It’s what had come afterward that had been… less great.

On some level he had hoped, maybe, that nothing would happen.  He had nightmares pretty often, but he hadn’t flipped out in Josh’s bed when he’d dozed off there and he’d thought that maybe if he had someone else in bed with him, it’d be fine.  Then, instead of a peaceful night’s sleep with Ash, it had been business as usual only with the bonus point of dragging Ashley down with him.  It not happening with Josh the one time must’ve just been a freak coincidence.

He knew if he’d wanted or needed to talk about it Ashley would’ve listened, but he wasn’t even sure what there was to talk about.  What had happened at Blackwood?  What had happened after?  Any of the various and horrifying nightmares he’d been having since then?  A lot of times he didn’t even remember his dreams very well.  It left him feeling like a huge idiot, because for all intents and purposes he was just flipping out nightly for no good reason. 

He could be fine in the mornings -- sleep-deprived, but fine -- but by noon he felt like some kind of hollowed out zombie, and that was a little early to start tuning out when he had important stuff to do.  Even though he usually managed to avoid falling asleep in class, he still spent most of the time feeling tired and out of focus.  He had no idea what he was going to do when it came down to finals and he needed to actually put all the stuff he  _ wasn’t  _ absorbing to use.  A beleaguered college student could only wing so much until it finally came back around to bite him in the ass.  

Today was pretty bad, even by his standards.  The supreme embarrassment probably didn’t help.

He discreetly swiped at his phone, opened a voice memo app, and pressed “record.”  It wasn’t like he was cheating, he was just taking notes.  If he listened to it before bed or in the morning, maybe he’d have a better time soaking it in than he was now, and he could go over it again if he needed to.  His heart just wasn’t in it right now.  Or his brain.  Or whichever internal organ was currently responsible for the fog he felt like his head was stuck in.  

It’d get easier, right?  It was just stress.  Considering he’d almost died a few months ago, he was practically thriving.

He resisted the urge to sigh in relief when his last class was finally over.  He had some homework to take care of later but nothing too daunting, and he didn’t have to go to work.  He could go home, faceplant into the nearest available surface, and maybe -- just maybe -- pass out for awhile and catch up on some much-needed sleep.  

He slung his backpack over his shoulder and meandered out into the hall.  He was about halfway to the exit when loud shriek split the air.  He froze.  He could’ve sworn for a split-second that everything in the whole building had froze, except for his heart, which was going completely nuts.  For a minute, he couldn't move.  He couldn't even breathe.  He looked around wildly, because he couldn't have possibly heard what he just heard -- not in the middle of a college campus a thousand miles away from that mountain -- and in broad daylight, besides.

There was nothing ahead of him in the hallway -- nothing out of the ordinary, at least.  Just students going from one class to another, people going in and out of the bathroom a few feet away.  It was all totally, completely fine.

Another shriek, just as loud as the last.

It was not fine.  It was very, very far away from anything resembling fine.  If it wasn’t ahead of him, then it had to be somewhere behind him.  He had this mental image of it standing right there at his back, so vivid he could almost feel it breathing down his neck.  It  _ couldn’t _ be, because there was no way a wendigo could be looking over his shoulder without someone else out in the hall seeing it.  There was no way something like that wouldn’t have everyone in the building screaming and running.  And nobody was screaming and running.

He swallowed past the sick taste in his mouth and turned around, slowly.  The light coming in through the windows at both far ends of the building felt too bright, too sharp.  There was no wendigo behind him.  In fact, there wasn’t anyone or anything even remotely close to him.

But then he heard it again.  

It wasn’t anywhere in the hallway itself, but it was definitely coming from somewhere off in that direction.  One of the rooms down at the other end of the hall.  Before he could really think about what he was doing or form any sort of plan, he was already heading that way.  The sound repeated a few more times, getting louder and louder the further he went.  Eventually, it led him to a door.  The noise, when it came again, was almost deafening.  There was no doubt in his mind that it was coming from the other side.

A professor walking by gave him an odd look, but kept walking.  Nobody else seemed worried about it, but then again nobody else knew that noise.

A million thoughts reeled around in his head, the biggest one being: how the hell was a wendigo lurking in Room 103 of Building C at his college campus?  It was  _ literally  _ impossible, but… 

He stood there, palms sweating, wondering if he should open the door or if he should just make a break for the exit and hope for the best.  Maybe it’d just go away -- which was almost as unbelievable as it being there in the first place.  But if he opened it, what then?  Either it would be nothing and he'd have to face the possibility that he might be completely losing his shit or it'd be something and that something would probably tear his head off the minute he opened the door.

A second later, the door creaked open on it’s own.  He yelped loudly.

A girl with blue streaks in her hair, stood on the other side of the door blinking at him, bewildered.  "Did you need something?"

"N-no.  I was just... standing here," he replied dumbly. 

"O-kay.  Do you think you could stand somewhere else?  You're kind of in the way."

"Oh.  Sorry."

He half-stepped half-stumbled to the side, still trembling.  The girl and two other guys came out of the room, wheeling the source of the "wendigo" noises out with them.  It was a projector, on a rolling stand that had seen better days.  One of the wheels was jammed at a weird angle and every time it moved a certain way, the thing let out an unholy sounding screech.  Now that he could hear it up close, it sounded distinctly metal in origin.  He wasn’t sure how he’d ever mistaken it for… anything else.  

He didn’t run.  He’d already embarrassed himself enough for one week.  Besides, running would be stupid, considering his wendigo turned out to be nothing.  He walked away fast, though, and he didn’t stop until he reached the nearest bathroom.  He shoved the door open and ran to the nearest stall and before he even really realized it was going to happen, he was throwing up.  He sat on the floor, which… on the one hand, gross -- on the other hand, his legs felt like noodles no longer capable of supporting the rest of his body.  He felt like his stomach was trying to turn inside out.  He almost rested his forehead on the toilet seat before thinking of the hundreds, if not thousands, of butts that touched it on a daily basis.

He needed to get home, but he wasn't sure driving was a good idea in the state he was in.

Josh couldn't drive, and he didn't want to worry Ash more than he already had in the past twenty-four hours.  He dug out his phone and scrolled through his contacts.  He called Sam, she didn’t pick up.  (Of course she wouldn’t.)  He tried Matt, got his voice-mail.  Jess wasn’t driving or even really getting out much at all yet, as far as he knew.  Emily’s voice-mail was  _ full _ \-- which was just plain bizarre.

He was running out of people to call.  

~

His stomach was still a wreck.  It had morphed from a burning to a weird sort of dull, stabbing pain low in his stomach and he wasn’t really sure which was worse.  He would’ve kind of preferred not to have any stomach pain at all, but apparently that wasn’t an option.  People kept awkwardly avoiding where he sat on the curb waiting to be picked up, but he felt shaky, lightheaded, and just fucking weird in general and he really didn't want to move more than was absolutely necessary to get himself into a car and back out of it.  The rest of the world would just have to deal with walking around him for a few more minutes.

He recognized the sound of Mike's car long before he actually saw it.  It was flashy and expensive, and the engine was loud in a way he felt was probably more for attention than actual horsepower.  It seriously toed the line between impressive and trying to hard.  So, basically, it was Mike in car form.

When he climbed in, Mike took one long look at him and said, "Wow, man, you look like shit."

Chris grimaced.  "Thanks."

"Seriously, are you alright?  I know you said you weren't feeling good, but…” 

"Think I got a stomach bug or something.  Uh, thanks for picking me up."

"Hey, don't worry about it," Mike replied.  "You'd do the same for me." 

He would, if their positions were reversed.  It made him almost want to ask Mike if  _ he’d _ experienced any kind of weirdness.  He wasn’t even sure how to ask.  How was a person supposed to inject something like that into what was already an awkward situation?  

_ “Hey, bro, run into any imaginary wendigos lately?” _

No.  Definitely not.

They pulled out of the parking lot and Chris slumped back into the car seat.  He tried to breathe and relax.  He was feeling a little steadier than earlier, but that wasn’t saying a whole lot.  When he looked out the window at the trees whizzing by and had to close his eyes because he started to feel nauseous again.

“Hey, are you going to puke?”

“I might.” 

“I could pull over.”

Pulling over meant stretching this ride out for longer than he really cared to.  It wasn’t anything against Mike -- he just really, really wanted to be home.  Home would feel safe.  He wasn’t sure why school hadn’t felt safe, or why the car didn’t feel safe.  Literally nothing had happened to make him feel unsafe, unless his phantom wendigo counted.  Which it didn’t, because it hadn’t been  _ real _ .  Was he hallucinating?  Is that what that had been?  Did it count as an hallucination if he hadn’t actually  _ seen _ anything?

He needed to just stop thinking -- about anything, about everything.  More importantly, he really needed to stop looking out the window before he upchucked all over the inside Mike’s car.

"So... how've you been?" he asked, desperate to focus on something other than his growing urge to throw up again.

Mike shrugged and stared pointedly at the road.  "I'm alright.  I mean, I'm alive, so I guess I can't complain.  Uh, you?"

"Aside from my amazing stomach pyrotechnics, you mean?  I'm doing alright."

"How's Josh?"  

"He's doing okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, man, he’s… bouncing back pretty well, all things considered.”

“No lingering cannibalistic urges?”

Chris laughed.  “Not that I know of.”

“Good.  That’s good.”

“So… how's Jess?"

"She's good.  Well, she’s okay, mostly.  Still healing up from her last surgery, they went in and..."  He trailed off.  "You don't want to hear about this, man."

Chris straightened in his seat, even though the movement made his stomach churn warningly.  "I do."

He’d only seen Jessica once or twice since what had happened.  He didn’t know the specifics of her injuries or anything, but he’d known it’d been bad.  He knew she’d fallen down an elevator shaft, and it seemed to him like that alone was a miraculous thing to even survive, much less walk away from.  It made sense that she was still having a hard time.  He felt a little bad for not checking up on her sooner.  

"Well, her back and hips were kind of fucked over from the fall, but they can only do so much at a time.  So, they've been doing the surgery in… sections, I guess?  They finally finished up with her hip, but I'm don’t really know that much about it.  I tried to Google the procedures and stuff, but a lot of it went over my head.”

“Not too helpful, huh?”

“Yeah, no.  But… you know, it's crazy, but I think she's handling things better than any of us.”

“Huh.”

“Weird, right?  I mean, as bad as that night was for everyone, she probably got the worst of it.  You’d think she’d be more… affected, I guess.  Like, psychologically."

Objectively speaking, Chris was pretty sure getting left behind to slowly turn into a supernatural man-eating monster probably ranked number one on The Worst scale, but he wasn’t going to point that out.  Jess had had a pretty rough time, regardless.  Besides, even if they never really talked about it, he knew Mike felt bad for what had happened to Josh.  There wasn’t any good reason to dig that back up.

"Jess is… pretty tough,” he said instead.

“She is.”

He would’ve expected the silence that followed to be awkward, considering this was the most they’d spoken to each other in months, but it wasn’t.  It was kind of a relief.

After everything that had happened, things had been a bit weird between all of them.  Then, before things really had time to settle down from there, they’d found Josh.  And not long after  _ that _ , Josh had gotten out of the hospital and moved in with him.  That had rocketed things from “weird” to “outright tense” for awhile.  Nobody ever said it to his face, but he knew the others felt like he’d sided with Josh over them.  Which was dumb, because there weren’t any sides to take in this.  Josh had fucked up, sure, but he’d been sick and hurting, and by the end of the night his stupid prank had been the least of their worries, anyway.  He knew that, he was pretty sure they knew it, too, but pretty much everyone but Sam and Ash had discreetly avoided him after that.

And now even Sam was avoiding him because he was an idiot.

Matt called him from time to time, but he was pretty sure he was just doing it because he felt bad that Chris had basically gotten group-banned.

“So,” Mike said, “how’s Ash doing?  Are you guys…?”  

“Dating, actually.  So… yeah, that’s a thing.”

“Wow, finally!  I gotta be honest, I was beginning to think it was never gonna happen.  I’m happy for you, man.”

“Thanks.”

“How’s it feel?”

“Pretty good.  Really good, actually.”

“I’m glad.  Shit, at least something good came out of this whole mess, right?”

“...Yeah.”

He felt a little guilty.  If what happened hadn’t happened, he and Ashley might not even have ended up together.  It felt weird -- wrong, maybe -- to be as happy about it as he was.  It wasn’t something he liked to think about too much.  

Shit, his stomach hurt. 

When they pulled up in front of his apartment building, Mike said, "We should hang out sometime, man.  Maybe you and Ash could come over and we could have a double date or something.  I could cook.  I know Jess would love to see you guys."

Cook?  He hadn't even known Mike  _ could _ cook.  That revelation totally turned his world upside-down for a minute.

"Yeah, totally.  I'd like that.  I think Ash would, too.”

"I don't know if...  Josh could could come, too.  I mean, if you think he might want to want to."

“Maybe, yeah.  I’ll run it by him.”

The way he figured, Josh hanging out with Mike and Jess could go either really well or really badly, but it was probably worth finding out whether or not anything there was salvageable.

“Cool,” Mike said with a smile.  “Take care of yourself, man.  Don’t want you dying on us.”

~

When he got up to the apartment, he hesitated, hovering just outside the door.  He took a deep breath, tried to look a little less shitty than he was feeling.  He didn’t want to worry Josh, and he wanted to talk about what had happened even less, at this point.  Once he was confident that he was about as presentable as he was going to get, he opened the door.  

"Hey, look who’s home," Josh said from his spot on the couch.  His eyes widened a little when he saw Chris.  "Whoa, you look like shit.”   
  
"So people keep telling me."  He tried his best to sound nonchalant, like he hadn’t just had some weird kind of panic attack and violently thrown up.

“No, seriously, are you alright?"

Chris walked across the living room and collapsed onto the couch beside him.  He wasn’t feeling as nauseous, but he could still taste bile in his mouth.  It was not a pleasant taste.  He also wasn’t totally sure that he wasn’t going to throw up more before the day was over, which wasn’t a great feeling to have. 

“Yeah.”   
  
“Really?”

Josh looked a little worried, and Chris debated on whether he should just come clean about what had happened, but Josh already had enough shit of his own to deal with.  Besides, he wasn't sure where to even begin trying to explain when he still wasn't even sure what the hell had happened in the first place.

"I think it's probably just something I ate.  Cafeteria food, right?  Eat at your own risk.”

"Do I need to start making you packed lunches?"

"Maybe," he laughed guiltily.  "I'll definitely be more careful about what I eat for awhile, that’s for sure."

"How bad is it?  Because I knew a guy once who got food poisoning from a burrito at Taco Bell and was going at both ends for a week."

"First of all, that’s gross, why would you tell me about this?  Second, that guy was you.  I was there, remember?"

"My point," Josh continued, "is that food poisoning is serious business.  So, if you think you need to go to the ER or something--"

"Dude, I'm fine.  Really."  Chris tried his best to look earnest because he was absolutely earnest in his desire to not worry Josh.  That counted, right?  

Josh looked at him intently for a few seconds, and for a minute Chris felt like he  _ knew  _ something was up.  Then the moment passed and Josh said, “Alright.  Wait here.”  He disappeared down the hallway.

“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.”

Josh reappeared a couple minutes later, brandishing a bottle of Pepto Bismol in one hand and a box of Alka-Seltzer in the other.  "Choose your destiny."

Considering the meltdown that had preceded his stomach pyrotechnics, he wasn't all that sure either of them was going to help.  Was there an antacid for overactive imaginations?  

"Uh, which one would you pick?"

Josh waved the Pepto Bismol.  

Chris nodded and took the bottle, swallowing past the sour taste in his mouth.  "Thanks.”

"Don't drink the whole bottle."

"I won't."

"You look like you're considering it."

He was.  It probably wasn’t a case where drinking extra would actually make it more effective, but he just felt so gross.  Josh leaned forward and, before Chris could react, his hand was on his forehead, and then it was gone so fast he almost thought he’d imagined it.

"You don't have a fever."

"Did you just mom me?"

Josh looked offended at the accusation.  "Well, your mom's not here to do it for you.”  His tone turned innocent -- too innocent. “Unless you... want me to call her?"

He balked.  "No."

If his mom came over to mom him personally she'd stay in town for a week fussing over him.  It would’ve been a fate worse than death and Josh knew it, the jerk.  He was  _ grinning _ .  

Chris unscrewed the cap on the bottle and drank exactly as much as the directions recommended -- no more, no less.  It was just as well because it tasted… not good.  He shuddered, put the bottle down on the table, and leaned back on the couch with a weary sigh.

"You should probably try to get some rest.”

"Maybe."  

He felt like he hadn't slept in weeks.  He had, technically, but not very well.  Between that and what had happened at school…  Yeah, he probably needed some rest.  It might not fix everything, but it couldn’t hurt.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this may actually be the first time I've managed to post _two_ chapters in one month. I definitely hope I can continue this trend of slightly more frequent updates, haha.

Josh was awfully good at engineering and tinkering with stuff for somebody who didn’t actually have a degree in engineering -- or any degree, for that matter.  And since he had promised to use his powers for good from now on and really needed something productive to do with himself, he'd started doing some odd jobs here and there for small businesses in the neighborhood.  Fixing things, taking things apart…  It sounded more glamorous than it actually was if he called it “freelancing.”

His therapist loved it.  She was ecstatic that he was finally “reaching out” to the world again.  She made it sound like he was curing cancer instead of fixing broken karaoke machines in the occasional bar.

It wasn't a full-time deal -- there weren't nearly enough broken things around town for that -- but he didn't mind.  He didn't really need the money.  Strictly speaking, he could probably get away with not working at all, but shit, he had to do something with himself.  He had to admit, it felt nice to feel like he was actually good for something.  Even meeting new people felt good, and for awhile there he hadn't been sure if he'd ever genuinely enjoy interacting with other human beings ever again.  That he was either going to mature into an eccentric recluse or...  

He was glad that things had turned out more or less alright.  He was happy to be not dead or a cannibal, and he was happy to still have Chris and Ash in his life.  His brain was meandering down an eerie, unfamiliar path of warm feelings that had lasted for more than twenty-four hours.  The sun was out.  The walk back home was nice.  It was an all around good feeling and a good day.

Probably meant he was about to get hit by a car.

~

When there was a knock at the door, his first thought was of Chris.  He might’ve brushed off what had happened last week, but Josh could tell something was up even if he still didn’t know the details.  He was ninety-nine point nine percent sure it hadn’t been bad cafeteria food.  Chris was too terrible of a liar for Josh to actually believe that.  He was no good at this kind of thing, though -- trying to get people to open up about stuff.  Probably because he wasn’t great at opening up about his problems, either.  

So, his first thought was maybe Chris was home early.  That something else had happened.  That the quote unquote cafeteria food had struck again, perhaps.  He was halfway to the door when he realized, sick or not, Chris had a key and probably wouldn’t have knocked before coming in.

He peeked through the peephole.  If he was about to get ax-murdered, he wanted to know by who.  

It was Ashley.  Ashley, who had a hand hidden behind her back, thus not completely ruling out the possibility of murder via ax, but it was a chance he was willing to take.  Things had been pretty good between them lately, so he figured the odds that he was about to be revenge-killed were relatively low.  He opened the door.

She beamed at him.  “Hi.”

“Hey.  To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“ _ I _ am here to pay you back.”

He blinked at her slowly.  “Pay me back.”

“For my meds!”

That had been weeks ago.  Practically years ago, in Josh Time.  He hadn’t forgotten about it, but it wasn’t exactly at the forefront of his mind.  “Come on, I told you not to worry about it.”

“Well, I’m  _ not _ worried about it!  So, it’s fine.”  She pulled out the hand she had hidden behind her back and revealed a good-sized pink box that he was legitimately impressed she’d been able to balance one-handed.  “I brought you donuts.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?  Come on in.”

She laughed as she walked by him.  “I’m not interrupting anything important, am I?  I thought about calling first, but…”  

“Nah, it’s fine.  So what do we got?”

“A little bit of everything,” she said, laying the box on the coffee table.  “I know you like those cake donuts, so I got some of those…  I even got some jelly-filled ones for Chris.”

“Strawberry?”

“Of course.” 

“Nice.  Starting on that Girlfriend of the Year award early, huh?”

She grinned.  “How else am I going to beat the competition?”

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about there.”

~

Since Josh’s grandiose evening plans had basically consisted of watching Netflix for a couple hours until Chris got home, he didn’t figure continuing on with his plans and eating donuts with Ash were mutually exclusive concepts.  

“Any viewing preferences?” he asked.

“Not really.  What were you going to watch before I got here?”

“Well, I’m about halfway through season four of Grey’s Anatomy.” 

“Grey’s Anatomy?” Ash echoed incredulously.  “Really?”

“Netflix recommended it, so I figured… why not?  I'm not really sure why they thought someone who watched The Human Centipede would want to watch Grey's Anatomy, but..." 

"Well, they both have doctors in them."

"True, true."  He paused.  "Wait,  _ you _ watched The Human Centipede?"

"I wish I could  _ un _ watch it, honestly.”

“I never thought I’d live to see the day when we agreed about a movie.”

“Oh, come on, my tastes aren’t that bad.”

“Apparently not, if The Human Centipede didn’t get the Ashley Brown stamp of approval.  I didn’t even know you were into horror movies.”

“I am.  Just… not the gross stuff.”

“Ash,” Josh replied, leaning in towards her, “the gross stuff is the  _ best stuff _ .”

She gave him a dubious look.  “He attached their faces to--”

“I wasn’t talking about The Human Centipede specifically.”

“So, you have limits.”

“Absolutely.  High limits, but I have them.”

“Hmm.”

“So, you don’t like body horror but you were fine with Frankenfish.”

“It was a fish!  A really badly computer generated fish.  That’s totally different.”

“Uh huh.”

“Okay, so just because Netflix recommends something doesn’t mean you  _ have  _ to watch it.  What about Grey’s Anatomy catches your interest?”

“I wasn’t joking about McDreamy.”

Ashley laughed.  “So, you have a secret weakness for cute doctors.”

“Not that much of a secret if I told you.  Besides, I have a secret weakness for cute people in general.”

"What other dark Netflix secrets have you been hiding?"

"I haven't been hiding  _ anything _ ,” Josh said, mildly offended.  “What about you?  You never struck me as the Human Centipede type."

Ashley took a deep breath and looked him intently.  "Promise not to laugh?"

"I promise."  

He promised to try, at least.  Depending on what Ashley was about to divulge, he couldn't really  _ guarantee _ it -- he only had so much self-control.  She looked awfully serious, though, so he was willing to bet whatever bombshell she was about to drop wasn’t the kind he was going to laugh at.

"When I watch scary movies, it-- it distracts me.  It makes the crazy things I've seen in real life seem... less real?  Or not as bad, or scary, or something.  I don’t know.  I feel  _ less _ anxious after watching one."  She shrugged.  "That's weird, right?"

“Not that weird.  And, I mean, not bad, as far as coping mechanisms go."

He understood.  He’d been watching horror movies for as long as he could remember.  Long before he'd really had any personal demons that needed to be driven off, really, but once he did...  It was cathartic, sometimes, to indulge in the macabre.  He considered that and the frankly mediocre selection of horror movies on Netflix.  Then he reached a decision.

"Hey…  Do you want to see something?" 

Ashley blinked.  "Oh, umm.  Sure?"  

“That sure didn’t sound very sure.”

“Yes,” she laughed.  “I would like to see.”

“Alright, come on.”  

He led her across the apartment and towards his room.  As his hand touched the doorknob, Ashley said, "This isn't the part where you reveal your secret BDSM dungeon, is it?"

“'Course not,” he chuckled.  “I keep that in my other apartment.  Can't have Chris stumbling in there with his virgin eyes.”

“Of course.”

He had some shelves along one side of his room and on those shelves he kept his horror movie collection.  It wasn't technically the whole collection.  He'd only been able to take so much in one trip, and he hadn’t gone back to get the rest because going back would mean having to go through his parents.  He hadn’t even seen either them in months.  His mom called from time to time.  His dad called never.  They didn’t visit him, he didn’t visit them, and what conversations he did have with his mom basically read like something from a script.  She always asked how he was doing, he was always doing fine, she was always happy to hear that.  They didn’t really  _ talk _ about anything.  

He figured as long as he stayed away, he had a good excuse to keep not talking about anything.  It was better that way, probably.  His parents didn’t really want to talk any more than he did.  He’d probably break down and buy new copies of the DVDs he was still missing before he’d work up the nerve to go to his parents’ house again.

He could practically feel his therapist frowning at him from across town.

“This is impressive,” Ashley said, leaning in to examine the titles on the shelf.  “Are these in some kind of order?”

“By year.”

She ah’d softly and kept browsing.  She seemed genuinely interested and she was definitely better off finding movies in his collection than just blindly browsing through crap for ten years to get to the good stuff on her own.

“You could borrow one.  I mean, if anything catches your eye.”

“Really?”

“Sure.  It’s not like I watch all of them every single day.”

“You fake horror fanboy."

Josh clutched his chest dramatically.  “You come into my house--”

“So,” Ashley laughed, “do you have any personal recommendations?”

“Depends on what you’re looking for, really.”  He gestured widely at the shelf.  “Got a little bit of everything.  You want gore?  We’ve got gore.  You want body horror?  We’ve got body horror.  You want surrealism?  It’s all here.”

“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

He was.  It wasn’t every day he was given an opportunity to dole out movie recs to a friend, especially nowadays.  Chris didn’t mind geeking out over cinematography with him from time to time, but horror movies weren’t really his thing.  He could handle the lighter, cheesier side of horror and monster movies, but he was a little too squeamish for the darker stuff.  He’d watch it, even let Josh tease and spook him because he knew it delighted him, but that kind of thing just wasn’t where his heart was.  

The only person who’d genuinely enjoyed watching horror movies with him had been Beth, and wow, that was not a train of thought he was interested in riding today.

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted recs.”

“I did.  I do.  So, what was that you were saying about surrealism?”

~

It was nice spending a day hanging out with a friend.  Not that hanging out with Chris wasn’t great, but Chris had a busy schedule and even if he hadn’t, Josh wouldn’t’ve wanted to suck up  _ all _ his free time.  To be fair, he hadn’t meant to suck up Ashley’s entire day either, but it was so great talking about movies and recommending ones Ash hadn’t seen yet.  Then watching some of the ones he had lying around and looking up on Netflix the ones he didn’t...  Or, when all else failed, searching the dark web for some bootleg stuff.  Ash seemed concerned about the odds of them getting personally hunted down by the FBI, and Josh thought it was really cute that she thought that was something that could actually, literally happen.

The idea of the FBI knocking on his door in-person because he downloaded a bad copy of a twenty-year-old horror movie had been too much, he’d started laughing, which had gotten him slapped with a DVD case.

Before either of them knew it, the whole afternoon had passed them by, and he’d honestly loved every second of it.  They were halfway through The Shining when the apartment door rattled and Chris walked in with a couple plastic bags, the distinct scent of Chinese food wafting in with him.

Ashley didn’t so much exclaim as scream: “Ah!” 

Chris froze, eyes wide. “Uh.”

“Heeeeeeere’s Chris!” Josh announced with a laugh.

“Oh my god,” Ashley said, hiding her visibly red face in her hands.  

“So, uh, what’s… happening, guys?”

Josh picked up the remote and paused the movie.  “Well, I think you just gave Ash a heart attack.”

“I’m okay,” she squeaked, hands still covering her face. 

Chris glanced at the TV, finally making the connection when he saw what they were watching.  He laughed sheepishly.  “Wow, sorry.  Bad timing, huh?”

“The worst.”  Ashley peeked at him from between her fingers.  “Hey.”

He beamed at her.  “Hey.”

Josh had texted him a couple hours before and told him Ash was there.  Chris brought dinner home a lot, and he’d figured Ash might feel a little left out if he’d come home with enough food for two people instead of three.  Chris had been, of course, ecstatic, and more than happy to buy enough food to not just feed the three of them, but probably the whole apartment building.

“How was your day?” Ash asked as the three of them gathered around the kitchen table and descended on their hoard of Chinese food.  

“Not too bad.  What about you guys?”

“Well, about halfway through our marathon, one of your neighbors yelled at us through the wall.”

“With all that screaming, we’re lucky they didn’t call the cops,” Josh said.  “It probably sounded like we were murdering someone over here.”

“Sounds like a good time.” 

“It was.”

“Also, she brought donuts.  Our favorite donuts.”

“It’s like she came down from heaven,” Chris said.

Josh nodded.  “To deliver us pastries, I know.”

Ashley half-snorted, half-laughed.  She was blushing, though she was trying to hide it behind one of the containers of food.

Ever since Chris had accused him of mom-ing him, Josh had tried to be less obvious about it but he couldn’t help but worry about him.  Especially when he was hardly touching his food.  He ate, sure, and it was probably even technically enough to qualify as a meal, but he’d never seen Chris poke so half-heartedly at Chinese before in his life.  Something was still bugging him, and Josh wasn’t sure how to find out what.

Was he this much of a pain in the ass when Chris or Sam or anyone else tried to get him to open up?  If so, he had a newfound respect for anyone who put up with it because it was  _ really  _ frustrating.

He’d thought, earlier, about asking Ashley if she knew anything.  Deep down, he kind of hoped that if it was anything Chris was willing to tell Ash about, it was something he’d have told him about, too.  Intellectually, though, he knew Chris didn’t always tell him everything -- best friend or not -- and Ash had girlfriend privileges now.  She could know something about it.  She might even be willing to talk to him about it if he asked.  He just felt weird going behind Chris’ back, though.  

After dinner, the three of them went headed back to the living room, piled onto the couch, and watched another movie.  This time around, they tried to pick one a little tamer than the ones Josh and Ash had been watching earlier.  Christopher had a delicate constitution when it came to horror and was overall much more of a rom-com kind of guy.  They found a comfortable compromise by watching Warm Bodies.

Halfway through the movie, Buttercup deigned to grace them with her presence.  She’d shown herself a couple times earlier.  Once he’d even seen her let Ash scritch her around the ears a little, which was huge.  Buttercup wasn’t a big fan of contact.  Unless sitting on Chris’ face counted.

This time around, she climbed onto Ashley’s lap and laid there like some sweet little kitten.

“I can’t believe how much she likes you,” Chris said, astonished.  “What’s your secret?  Blood magic?”

“She’s not that bad.  You just have to know how to handle her, you know?”

She probably had a point.  Ash had way more experience with cats than either of them, and he’d be the first to admit that he had no idea how to even handle a cat, or any pet.  Buttercup had mellowed a lot since they’d first brought her home.  She still wasn’t what he’d call warm and cuddly, but she seemed a little more tolerant.  She more than tolerated Ashley, though -- she legitimately seemed to like her.  

“So,” Josh said after a long moment.  “Blood magic, then?”

Ashley nodded sagely.  “Yes.”

“I knew it.”

The cat purred and gave Josh a smug look.

“Don’t rub it in, cat.  I know where you sleep.”

“No, you don’t,” Chris laughed.

“Of course I--” He stopped.  He knew Buttercup slept.  Unless she actually  _ was _ some kind of unholy cat demon, she  _ had _ to sleep at some point during the day or night.  But now that Chris mentioned it, he couldn’t remember ever actually finding her in the actual act of sleeping anywhere at any time.  Ever.  She came and went through pretty much every room in the apartment as she pleased, and she disappeared sometimes for hours at a time.  In theory, she almost definitely slept.  But where?

“She knows where  _ you _ sleep, though,” Chris pointed out.  “Maybe you shouldn’t be threatening her.  I mean, she’s already tried to smother me once.”

“Fine,” Josh grumbled.  “She wins this round.”

Chris leaned in and whispered to Ash, “She wins every round,” but Josh heard it.

~

Ashley didn’t leave until around ten-ish.  Josh half-expected Chris to ask her to spend the night, but he didn’t.  Ash had seemed a little disappointed, even  _ Chris _ seemed almost disappointed, and Josh felt like he was missing part of the equation or something.

Before he could ask about it, though, Chris said, “I can't believe you and Ash had a  _ horror movie _ marathon."

"I hate to break it to you, bro," Josh replied with a mock sigh, "but your girlfriend's into some weird shit."

He laughed.  "I'm glad you guys had a good time, but… do I have to worry about walking in on you guys wearing matching Minion pajamas?"

"I wouldn't rule it out.”

“Oh God,” Chris half-laughed, half-groaned.

“Hey, if they’re comfy PJs…”

“It scares me that I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.” 

“So... how about you?  How’ve you been feeling?"  Subtle.  Smooth.  Very smooth. 

Chris raised an eyebrow.  "I’m fine.  Why?”

Josh chewed on the inside of his cheek.  He was  _ so  _ bad at this.  He was beginning to think there just wasn’t any way to be nosy about somebody’s well-being without seeming… well, nosy about their well-being.

“Just… didn’t seem to enjoy dinner as much as usual, that’s all.”

Chris shrugged.  “I ate a big lunch today.”

Josh crossed his arms.  “Really?  That’s all you’ve got?”

“I just wasn’t that hungry, Josh.  Really, you’re worrying over nothing.  I mean, I know I was kind of a mess that one day, but it was just a… a stomach bug or whatever.  It passed.  I’m fine.”

“Alright.”  He wasn’t sure he believed him, but he wasn’t going to sit there in the living room badgering Chris for the next hour and he definitely didn’t want to shit on what had been a pretty nice night for the three of them.

"It’s seriously nothing to even worry about,” Chris reassured him.  “There’s room in the fridge for some extra leftovers.  It’s not like it’s gonna go to waste.”

Josh wasn’t all that reassured.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost managed to sneak this in before May ended, which would've been a whopping THREE updates in one month, but then I had a week from Hell, so. Oops.
> 
> I've been working on this chapter for awhile, and looking forward to posting it, so I hope you enjoy!

“We could go see a movie!”

“No,” Chris and Josh said simultaneously.  

Ashley might’ve been offended if the looks on their faces hadn’t been so hilarious.  Chris’s whole face was contorting in an attempt to not look horrified while Josh’s face was completely neutral except for the terror in his eyes.

They’d spent the day cat-proofing the bathrooms after Buttercup had made it her mission to shred all toilet paper in sight, and since Ash had a DVD of Josh’s she needed to give back anyway, she’d stopped by and stuck around to help out.  Now they were just hanging around the apartment.

“Come on!  I’ll let you guys pick the movie.”

“I think the trauma is still too fresh, Ash.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely too soon for me.  I don’t think I can walk into a movie theater and not have traumatic flashbacks.”

“Stop!” she laughed.  “Okay, fine.  But let’s do something.  Maybe we could go to dinner?”

Josh blinked at her.  “What, like, _out_ to dinner?”

Chris leaned in towards him and said softly, “I think she means that thing people do where they eat something other than pizza or takeout.”

“Listen, smart-ass--”

“I’m just saying--”

“I just so happen to know a great sandwich place,” Josh said in a challenging tone, like he felt the need to prove he knew what actual food was.  “Let’s go.  Right now.”  

And so they went.

~  


The sandwich shop was a step above fast food without being anything too fancy.  There weren't many people around, which Ash kind of liked.  The smell of toasted buns and assorted meats had hit her the instant they walked through the door.  She hadn’t realized just how hungry she was until that moment. 

“What kind of sandwiches do they have?”

“ _Every_ kind,” Josh whispered conspiratorially.  

Chris scoffed.  “That’s not actually possible.”

“Wanna bet?”

As it turned out, the sandwich shop didn’t have _every_ kind of sandwich.  It had a heck of a lot, though.  Definitely more than any one person could possibly ever need or even attempt to eat in the span of a single lifetime.

“I never even knew this place existed,” Chris said, halfway through a turkey sandwich that looked so good it almost made Ash wish she’d gotten one of those instead.  “This _is_ pretty good.”

“You’re welcome.”

Ashley made sure to grab a menu on their way out.  Partly so she’d have the address and phone number.  Partly so she could start planning her next sandwich experience in advance.  The sun was just barely starting to disappear under the horizon when they walked outside.

“Should we just… go back to the apartment?”

“Well,” Josh said, “if you guys are up for it… there’s someplace I thought we could go.  I mean, hey, the night is young, right?”

“What place?”

“That,” Josh replied, “would have to be a surprise.”

“Sounds mysterious,” Ashley said.  “Can you at least give us a hint?  Come on.”

“Nope, you’ll have to see for yourselves.”

“Where is this place?” Chris asked. “Is it far?”

“Actually, it’s pretty close.  A couple blocks away?  A few, maybe.”

Ashley’s curiosity was already piqued.  She hadn’t really wanted to call it a night so soon.  Especially since if she went home, she’d actually have to stop procrastinating and study.  

“I’m up for it.”

“Yeah, sure,” Chris said with a nod.  “Me too.”

~

It was a beautiful night.  The sky was clear and there was a nice, cool breeze.  The street lights were few and far between, but the darkness didn't feel menacing or suffocating.  It was just darkness.  

They were in a part of town she didn't know that well, but Josh seemed to know where he was going.  Most of the buildings looked like small businesses that had already closed for the night.  There were a few houses and a couple apartment buildings, but there wasn’t much activity.  There was nobody else as far as she could see in any direction -- just the three of them.  A month or two ago, she might not have followed Josh to some mysterious place in the middle of the night, not even with Chris there.  It was funny, how things could change so much.

They stopped in front of a locked gate at what looked like some sort of private park or reserve, surrounded on all sides by brick walls.  Each brick was etched with some abstract design that looked a little bit like leaves.  They weren’t solid either, and through the gaps in spots some actual leaves peeked through.  Some kind of ivy, Ashley thought.  Probably grown specifically to climb up the walls.  

The gate seemed to support that theory.  The leaves were creeping along the edges of it, and between the thick iron curves of the gate itself, the ivy, and the darkness, she couldn’t tell what was on the other side.  There was also a pretty huge lock on said gate and, about a foot away from it, a small but urgent-looking sign that warned against trespassing.

Chris frowned deeply and Ashley could understand why.  Places like this were locked for a reason.  It probably was some kind of reserve owned by the city, or some rich person’s front yard.  If they got caught trying to break in, they were probably going to get in some serious trouble.  Maybe even arrested.

On the other hand…  It would’ve been a shame to come all this way just to turn around and leave.

“There’s a park on the other side of this gate, here,” Josh explained.  “It’s pretty sweet.”

“Well,” Chris said, “seeing as there’s a huge lock on the gate, I’m guessing it’s a private one.”

“Private parks are just public parks with an extra challenge.”

“Josh.”

“Chris.”

Chris sighed the sigh of a guy who knew he’d already lost this particular battle.  Josh knew it, too.  He grinned.

“Okay, I’m pretty sure I can climb over this wall.”

Ashley looked up.  The brick walls of the place were pretty tall -- they’d have to be, she guessed, for them to actually deter trespassers.  Whoever owned the place definitely didn’t want anyone just casually entering, and she had to admit… that made her even more curious to see what was inside.

“Okay, but, uh, I’m pretty sure _I_ can’t climb it,” Chris said.

Josh was already halfway up the wall, easily finding footholds between the bricks like he’d done it a million times before.  Then again, Ashley thought, maybe he had.  He had to have been here before to want to bring them there now, right?  She definitely couldn’t see Chris getting over that wall, though.  She loved him, but he wasn’t the most well-coordinated of guys.  

In fairness, she wasn’t so sure she’d be able to climb over it, either.  

“I’m way ahead of you,” Josh said, straddling the top of the wall.  “They’ve probably got some way to unlock it from the inside.  It’s locked to keep people out not in, right?”

“And what if it doesn’t?”  

Josh shrugged.  “I’ll come back and give you guys a boost over.”

With that, he disappeared over the edge of the wall.  Ashley heard an audible thud a split second later and could only hope that was Josh landing on his feet and not his ass.  Or his head.

“Josh?” Chris called out.  “Are you okay over there?”

A muffled “Shh!” came from the other side of the wall.

There were faint rustling noises, the sound of some twigs snapping, then a long period of silence.  A minute later, Josh appeared on the other side of the gate, peeking at them from between the bars.  

“Hey there, come here often?”

Ashley laughed.  “So, can you open it from there or not?”

"Hold on a sec.  Let me just--”  He looked down and the gate rattled.  In the quiet, it sounded way louder than was probably a good idea for a break-in.  “Thought so.  There's a mechanism on this side that just... Aha."  

The gates swung open.  Quietly, thankfully.

"Well, a million cops didn't immediately descend on us," Chris said.  "So, I guess it's okay."

"It's not breaking or entering if we don't get caught."

"That's literally not how the law works."

Josh gave him an amused look and Ashley said, “It’s fine.  Come on, before someone sees us.”

Chris let out a long-suffering but exaggerated sigh and followed Ashley inside.  Josh quietly closed the gate behind them.  

The street outside had been dark, but the park was a little brighter, illuminated by strategically placed lamp posts around the place that were noticeably fancier in design that ones outside were.  The garden seemed to be the main attraction of the park, because it stretched out as far as she could see, paths winding between flowers and bushes and lined with trees.  

“Josh,” she breathed.  “This is great.”

Chris’s eyebrows shot upward.  “Okay, I have to hand it to you, this is pretty cool.”

“Hey, I have good ideas,” Josh grinned.  “Occasionally.”

“Whose park is this?” Chris asked as they approached a bench.  “I mean, it has to belong to someone specific for it to be a private park, right?”

“Dunno,” Josh said, sitting down.  “I think it’s supposed to be some kind of memorial for some kind of event or something.  I don’t know much about it.  But I don’t think anybody really comes here except to trim the hedges.  I figure somebody might as well get some enjoyment out of it, right?”

He had a good point, Ash thought as she sat.  It didn’t look like people came there often.  It was nicely maintained, sure, but _too_ nicely.  Nothing looked like it had really been touched, or walked through, or sat on -- ever.  It seemed like a shame for the place to go to waste.  The bench was at the edge of a clearing, back to the trees and facing out towards the rows of flowers and bushes that winded around the entire place almost like a maze.  And there was a great view of the sky from where they sat.  It wasn’t cloudy tonight, and this far from the center of the city, the light pollution wasn’t nearly as bad.  She could see so many stars.

It was amazing.  All of it was amazing.

“You like it?”

She glanced at Josh, who was watching her like he was trying to gauge her reaction.  “Yeah, I do.”

“Good.  I’m glad.”

Chris nodded.  “It’s a nice night.”

“So?  Did I do good?”

Chris reached over and patted Josh on the shoulder.  “Yeah.  Hey, I-- I’m sorry if I seemed…”

“Like a party pooper?” Ash offered.

“Reluctant,” Chris said, sitting down beside her, “is what I was gonna say, Ash.  How’d you find out about this place?”

“I dunno, just… word of mouth, I guess.  Think my mom might’ve mentioned it or something.  I sneak in sometimes.  It’s a nice place to chill.  Get away for awhile, you know?”

“Yeah, I can see why.  It’s pretty relaxing.”

Josh gave him a look that was equal parts concerned and affectionate.  It almost made her want to look away.  She wasn’t jealous, exactly, but ever since that night she realized Josh had feelings for Chris, she felt a bit like she was intruding on moments like this.  Josh clearly hadn’t meant for anyone, least of all her, to connect the dots and Chris hadn’t because, well, he was _Chris_.  

“Figured you could use a little relaxation.”

“I-- thanks.”

He must’ve known what was going on with Chris, she realized.  Of course he’d know, right?  They lived together, and nightmares as bad as Chris’ were…  It had to be noticeable.  Suddenly, she felt even more glad that they’d come here.  Josh was right -- he probably could use it.  She reached out and took Chris’s hand.  He smiled at her and gave hers a warm squeeze in return.  

“My mom and dad had a garden like this when I was a kid.”

“Really?”

“Well.”  She gestured at the trees around them.  “Not _exactly_ like this.  It wasn’t this big, for one thing, but it was… nice.  A lot of flowers, roses and stuff.”

She hadn't thought about her mom in awhile.  When she'd left them, it hadn't been on the best of terms.  They talked on the phone sometimes, on holidays and stuff, and that was pretty much it.  Something they both did more out of habit and obligation than any real connection anymore.  If she was being honest with herself, she still hadn't totally forgiven her for leaving, even if her dad had.

The garden, though, that was a nice memory.  Josh couldn't possibly have known about it.  Even if it was a total coincidence that he'd brought them here, that it’d brought back that memory, she appreciated it.

"You could start your own garden," Chris suggested.

"I dunno.  I’m not sure I have the patience."

"You waited for Chris.  You definitely have the patience."

"Hey!"

They all laughed, even Chris, though he still looked a bit indignant.

“You know,” Josh suggested, “you could get some clippings from around here."

"Sure, let's commit _two_ crimes tonight," Chris said.

"Sampling plants isn't illegal."

"It sounds like something that's probably illegal.  You wouldn't cut pieces off a plant at, like, Home Depot."

"I would.  I'd download a pizza, too."  Josh gave her a curious look.  “Your dad still have that garden?”

“Oh, no.  Everything in it died.  Mom was the one with the green thumb, not Dad.  Also, I think after she left he didn’t really feel like having it around anymore.”

Chris said, very quietly, “Are you saying your dad murdered your mom’s plants out of spite?”

“I don’t have any _proof_ that he did.  I’m just saying, you know, they died pretty fast.”

He started laughing.  So did Josh.

“Mom saved a couple that were able to be, like, uprooted and re-potted, but yeah, the rest of the plants didn’t make it.  For whatever reason.”

Josh said, “Mr. Brown, garden murderer.”

“That sounds less like a guy who murders plants and more like a guy who lurks in gardens waiting to murder people,” Chris replied.

The three of them fell silent.  She could only speak for herself, but Ash spent more than a few seconds straining to listen for footsteps or bushes rustling.  

“Terrible, Christopher.”

“I’m almost positive we’re not about to get murdered,” Chris offered.  “By Ash’s dad or anyone else.”

“Would be a pretty shitty date if we were,” Josh snorted.

Ash bit her lip thoughtfully.  “Is that what this is?”

“What?”

“A date?”

Josh didn’t freeze, exactly, but he hesitated for a few seconds before saying.  “Well, you’re here, and Chris’s here, and I’m… going to go find a flower or something on the opposite side of the park to go smell for an hour.”  

“Josh--” she began.

He was already jumping to his feet and walking away, though.  Walking fast.  Just short of sprinting away, really.

What had that been about?

Chris laughed incredulously.  Even in the low light, she could tell he was blushing.  “Do you… think he realizes he doesn’t have to do the whole matchmaker thing anymore?”

“I don’t know, but I don’t really mind.”

“I mean, to be fair, if we weren’t already dating, this might actually do it.  The atmosphere here is-- it’s really something.”

“I just hope he didn’t run off because he thought he had to, you know?  Like we wanted him to leave?”

“No, I mean-- I don’t _think_ so.  The three of us were having a good time together.  He knows that, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Chris wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tugged her close.  She let herself be tugged, because it was pretty cold, he was warm, and she pretty much never got tired of him holding her.  She loved sitting there with him and Josh, just talking and looking at the trees and the stars.  Even if they were technically breaking the law right now, it didn't feel sneaky or wrong.  It was good.  Peaceful.

They sat on the bench for awhile long before Chris said, “Hey, maybe Josh has the right idea.  This place is a fancy garden.  It probably has all sorts of stuff you wouldn’t see in a normal one.  Maybe we should… go walking around?  Look at stuff?”

“I’d like that.”

They took off walking down one of the many paths, hand in hand.  She wasn’t sure how long they spent walking around the place.  She recognized some of the flowers they saw along the way.  Others she’d never seen before.  Some looked exotic enough that she was almost positive they had to have been imported from somewhere.  A lot of money had gone into landscaping this place.

“It’s getting kinda late,” Chris finally said.  “We should probably head back home soon.”

“I wonder where Josh is?”

“Maybe the garden murderer got him.”

“That’s not funny.  He’s been gone a long time, Chris.”

“It’s a big park  Maybe he got lost?  To be honest, I’m not even really sure where _we_ are.”  Her concern must’ve been visible, because he squeezed her hand and said, “If you go that way, and I go the other way, one of us’ll find him before we meet up in the middle again, right?”

She nodded, “Yeah.  Okay.”

“He’s fine,” Chris reassured.  “We had a hard enough time getting in here, I doubt any-- anyone else is here.”

Chris split off to the left, and she split off to the right.  There was a lot of ground to cover, but Chris was right.  Odds were one of them would bump into Josh before they reached the other side of the park.  She figured as long as she kept the outer wall within eyesight, she wouldn’t get lost.  

Grass and leaves crunched softly under her feet.  She looked up at the trees.  Some of them were shedding their leaves, others weren’t.  It would be neat to see the place in daylight.  There were lights throughout the place, sure, but it was still dark.  She was willing to bet that in the sun a lot of these trees looked red and gold.  It was too bad they didn’t actually have permission to be there.  It’d probably have been a lot harder to sneak in during the day.

Ashley kept walking, glancing over her shoulder periodically to make sure that wall was still within her line of sight.  It was more to keep track of where she was within the park than out of anxiety.  Even though it was dark, she didn’t feel scared.  The trees were just trees, and there was nothing in the shadows.

Probably.

She sighed loudly at herself and kept walking.  She was about ready to head back to the center of the park and their bench when something glinted, a little, in the light from one of the lamp-posts hanging overhead.  She hesitated for a second before taking a few steps forward, squinting.  It was a plaque of some kind, attached to the trunk of one of the bigger trees.

She walked over to it for a closer look, intrigued.  The plaque was a warm bronze, with elegant but readable font and flowers and leaves engraved on the corners of it.  She figured it was about the tree or the flowers around it.  That it said something about where it came from or its scientific name or something like that.

It wasn’t.

 

_For Hannah and Beth_

_In loving memory_

 

She stared at it for a couple minutes, like the words might change if she stared at it for long enough.  Even now, even after everything that happened, it was hard to believe Hannah and Beth were really gone.  It felt weird to think of them in past tense.  It felt fake, like one day they’d just turn up again and the past couple of years would’ve just been some really weird dream.  She wasn’t sure if it was ever going to completely stop feeling that way.  But seeing it written there made it feel more real, more final.   

She wrapped her arms around herself and sighed.  

“What’re you up to way over here?” Josh’s voice said, footsteps coming up behind her.  “Aren’t you and Chris supposed to be-- oh.”

She glanced over her shoulder -- could tell by the look on his face that he’d seen what she was looking at.

“Did you know?  I mean, dumb question, you had to have known, right?  You knew this was--”  She gestured at the plaque.

“Uh.  Yeah.”

“Why-- why would you hide this?”

“I wasn’t really _hiding_ it.”  He shrugged, refusing to look directly at her.  “Okay, maybe I was hiding it.”

“But why?”

“I didn’t want you guys to spend the whole night thinking about… that… instead of having a good time.  I didn’t-- bring you guys here for this, I brought you guys because I figured it was a nice place to hang out.  I didn’t want to spoil it, I guess.”

“It-- knowing this park’s for Hannah and Beth wouldn’t have spoiled anything.”

“No?”

“No!  Josh, of course not.”

He looked vaguely embarrassed and more than vaguely sad.  Part of her wished she hadn’t stumbled across the plaque in the first place.  That the three of them had just gone on with their night with Josh’s secret intact and her and Chris none the wiser.  She didn’t know what to say.  What could she say?  

Josh finally broke the silence.  “I, uh, hadn’t been here in awhile.”

“So you have been in here before.”

“Well, yeah, I didn’t lie about that.  I’ve been here a couple times.  When Dad first bought it, and another time… later.  There was already a garden here, but it wasn’t this big.  He had some guys come in and rearrange some stuff, add more plants.  Things they would’ve liked, you know.”

“That’s… sweet.”

“I guess.  Dad doesn’t really do feelings.  He just throws money at a problem and calls it a day.”

“That’s a little harsh.”

“You don’t know my dad like I do.”

“Maybe I don’t, but… this was a nice thing to do.  I think they would’ve liked it.”

“Yeah, maybe they would’ve, but it’s not like they’re actually here to see it.”  He looked down at his feet and sighed, “Sorry, that’s--”

“No, it’s okay,” she said softly.  “I mean-- I can see how it might seem that way, but… _we’re_ here to see it.”

“I guess.”

She debated internally for a few seconds before reaching out to take his hand.  He looked up at her and even in the dim light, she could tell he was crying, a little bit.  She was willing to pretend she hadn’t noticed.  What she really wanted to do was hug him, but she knew he was trying to hold it together.  

Instead, she said, “We should probably find Chris before he gets lost in here somewhere looking for us.”

Josh wiped at his eyes.  “Yeah.  Don’t want to screw around and still be wandering around in here when the gardening crew comes to trim the hedges in the morning.”

“Can they have us arrested if your family owns the park?”

“Well, we _did_ kinda break in.”

They started walking.  “But to break in wouldn’t we have had to have actually broken something to get in?  You opened it from the inside, technically.”

“I like the way you think,” he said with a grin.  “We should break into places together more often.  Partners in crime, what do you say?”

“Well, a few good diamond heists _would_ probably pay off my student loans.”

“I’ll take a piece of that action,” Chris chimed in, appearing from around the corner of a tree.  “There you are.  I was starting to think one of the plants in here had eaten you guys.”

“Feed me, Chris,” a nearby rosebush said.

“Nice try, Josh, but I saw your lips move.”

“How dare you call me out like this when I’m trying to impress Ashley with my ventriloquism skills?”

“Wouldn’t you need actual ventriloquism skills to do that?”  He focused on Josh and added, “Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just allergies,” Josh sniffed.  “All this pollen floating around, you know.”  With that, he made off in the direction of the gate.  

Ashley turned to follow and Chris walked up beside her.  

“Josh doesn’t have allergies.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to get this posted way way earlier but life has been hectic. A lot of work-related stuff, my dog had a toe amputated, things have just been An Adventure. I'm hoping to get semi-back on schedule though!

Chris woke with his face firmly mashed into his pillow and a cat perched on his butt.  He was assuming it was the cat, anyway.  It was too light to be Josh.  For a few minutes he just laid there, unmoving, basking in the rare glow of having actually gotten some good sleep.  He almost felt like he could doze back off for awhile longer.  Then Buttercup started kneading.

“God,” he groaned into his pillow.  “Why?”

Buttercup meowed and kept kneading.  He laid there for awhile longer.  On the one hand, having a cat massage his ass was a really weird sensation and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it.  On the other hand, he really wasn’t prepared to get out of bed yet.  

On the other, other hand Buttercup’s claws started to poke through the fabric of his pajamas.

“Ow!  Okay, enough!”

He sat upright abruptly and Buttercup tumbled off his backside, hissing indignantly.  When he turned around, she was sitting at the end of his bed, glaring at him.

“Hey, why are  _ you _ mad?  I’m the injured party here.  How’d you like it if I started poking your butt?”

She didn’t answer him, of course.  Even if she could talk, he had a feeling he wouldn’t like what she’d have to say.

~

When the smell of brewing coffee grew strong enough to waft in the direction of the hallway, Josh finally poked his head out out of his room.  He looked more asleep than awake, hair mussed and eyes barely open.  He waved in Chris’ direction before shambling down the hallway towards the bathroom and out of view. 

Chris smiled into his cup of coffee. 

He’d had a great time last night.  He knew Ash had loved it, too.  Josh had really pulled out all the stops on that one.  It’d been like some romantic scene out of a movie or a book or something.  He wouldn’t say he hadn’t thought Josh had it in him, but… for all the times he’d tried to “set the mood” for him and Ash, he’d never done anything like that before.  He wasn’t usually that much of a romantic.  Or maybe he was.  Chris had to admit, there were sides to Josh even he wasn’t always privy to.

He couldn’t help but wonder what had happened before they’d left for the night, though.  He wasn’t an idiot -- even if Josh was allergic to pollen, Chris would’ve still been able to tell the difference between a few seasonal sniffles and crying.  He just wasn’t sure if he should ask about it or not.  Ash hadn’t seemed too worried and he was pretty sure if it had been something really serious, she would’ve told him.  

Still, Josh didn’t cry over minor stuff.  Something had to have happened, minor or otherwise.

Josh emerged from the hallway and wandered into the kitchen with a sleepy yawn.

“How’s it going?”

“Haven’t really been awake long enough for anything to be going,” Josh mumbled.

“Sleep well?”

He rubbed his eyes.  “Guess so.  You?”

He had.  Not great, but better than usual, and even though he’d tossed and turned a bit, he felt a lot more rested than he did most mornings.  “Yeah, actually.”

“Good.”  Josh shot him a crooked smile as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

Chris’ face heated.  The steam from his coffee was fogging up his glasses a little.  “Uh,” he cleared his throat.  “I had a really great time last night."

Josh's smile widened into a grin.  “Yeah.  Me too."

"So did Ash.  The whole midnight stroll through the forbidden garden thing was a real winner."

"I knew it would be, man.  Who could say no to  _ that  _ kinda romantic atmosphere?"

He felt a blush creep up his neck and ducked his head.  "Not-- many people, probably."

“You know, you could’ve snuck in more quality time with her.  You didn’t have to send out a search party for me.  I could’ve found my own way home.”

“We wouldn’t have had to look for you if you hadn’t run off in the first place,” Chris said.  “You could’ve stuck around.  The three of us were having a good time, weren’t we?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, we were.”

He’d wished he could’ve frozen that moment: the three of them sitting there in the middle of the park together laughing about whether Ashley’s dad had or hadn’t murdered her mom’s plants.  He kind of regretted not taking pictures with his phone, even if the quality in the middle of the night probably wouldn’t have been great.  He wanted to remember every detail.  Ash and Josh had both been happier than he’d seen either of them in ages.  Their smiles must’ve been etched into the insides of his eyelids, because he kept seeing them every time he closed his eyes.

“So… you didn’t have to bail on us.”  Looking at his breakfast was suddenly a lot easier than looking at Josh.

He saw Josh shrug out of the corner of his eye.  “I just figured you guys would appreciate some alone time.”

Chris looked up at him.  “If we’d wanted to be alone, we would’ve gone out alone.  We wanted to be with you.”

He couldn’t figure out the look on Josh’s face.  There was definitely some kind of something there, though.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Next time… I’ll stick around.  Promise.”

“So, you plan on taking us out again?  What’s next, smuggling us into a baseball stadium after it closes?”

Josh laughed, and… was he  _ blushing _ ?  “Hey, I know people who know people.  I could probably pull some strings.”

“You could pull the strings of someone who could pull someone else’s strings.”

“Exactly.”

“Do you know how wild that is?  You could get, like, pretty much everything you wanted if you asked for it.”

“Not everything.”  Josh gestured at the bowl of cereal Chris was poking at with a spoon.  "Were you actually gonna eat that someday or were you planning on stabbing it to death?"

"I'm not--"  He caught himself about to poke it again and froze in mid-motion.  

"Stomach bugging you again?”

"Nah, it’s nothing.”

"You can't fool me, you know.  I'm a professional bullshitter."

"It's-- it’s probably nothing.  School's just kinda been stressing me out."

"Makes sense, I guess.  College could give anyone a breakdown.  To be honest, I don't miss it."

"Really?"

"Graduating would've been nice.  Getting that degree would've been nice, I guess.  But I dunno... by the time I dropped out I wasn't really feeling it anymore."

Chris nodded.  He could see how school could start feeling more like a burden than something actually productive.  The fact that he understood what Josh meant didn't make him feel much better about the situation.  It kind of made his stomach start to hurt again.

"You look like you're gonna throw up."

"I'm okay."

"You know, I read on WebMD that sleep deprivation can cause stomach problems."

"You WebMD'd me?" Chris asked, feeling weirdly touched.

"I've been kinda worried about you."

He sighed.  "I’ve noticed.”

Josh looked a little sheepish.  Josh hardly _ever_ looked sheepish.  “Look, I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass.”

“You aren’t?”

He scoffed, offended.  “I take you on a nice night out on the town and this is the thanks I get?”

They both started laughing and for a minute Chris thought he’d maybe successfully changed the subject.  

“You’re changing the subject.”

Or not.

“I’m changing the subject because it’s not worth worrying about.  I appreciate the concern, Josh, but I’m fine.  What’ll it take to convince you?  A doctor’s note?”  Josh opened his mouth.  “I’m not getting you a doctor’s note.”

“All right,” Josh replied.  “I believe you.  I mean, you can’t blame me for me being a _ little _ worried, can you?”

Chris thought about how many times he’d worried about Josh’s well-being over the years.  All the times Josh had brushed it off as nothing.  And now Chris was doing the exact same thing to him.  Only he was pretty sure he  _ was _ fine or would be, at some point in the future.  He really did appreciate Josh’s concern, and after everything they’d all been through…  No, he couldn’t blame him for being a little anxious for his well-being.  He just didn’t want him to worry over something that would probably just blow over.

~

It was hard not to let the knowledge that he had classes the next day ruin what was left of his weekend, but basking in the afterglow of last night helped. 

It was movie night.  Josh had picked the movies last time.  By laws of friendship laid down years ago, that made it Chris’ turn to pick the movies.  He could tell right away from the mischievous gleam in Josh’s eyes that he had other plans, though.  

“I’m not sitting through a romcom tonight.”

“Well,  _ I’m  _ not sitting through a slasher movie.  I’d like to actually be able to sleep tonight, so...”  

Not that he had that much luck sleeping with or without scary movies, but he wasn’t going to say that.  Besides, it was the principle of the thing.  It was his turn to pick.  This was how they maintained the delicate balance of clashing movie tastes.  The whole thing fell apart otherwise.  He had a feeling it was less about Josh caring about who picked what movie, though, and more about him wanting to screw with him.  Josh had a mischievous streak a mile wide.  He had to get it out of his system once in awhile and tonight was looking to be one of those times.

He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Josh.  Josh grinned, holding the tv remote up in the air triumphantly like some kind of prize.  Chris sat back and sighed, staring at the far corner of the room at nothing in particular, doing his best to look like he’d given up.  Then he lunged for the remote.  He ended up half-tackling, half-falling on Josh.  Josh grunted and stretched his arm up even higher, keeping the remote out of his reach.

"Just give it up, Josh!"

"Nope!"

Chris made a wild grab upward, missed, lost his balance and ended up face-planting into Josh's shoulder.  Josh started laughing, hard.  More of a cackle, really.  

"Smooth move."

He braced his hands on either side of Josh to push himself upright, preparing to make another play for the remote.  Instead he caught himself staring directly into Josh’s eyes.   They were practically nose-to-nose.  If their faces were an inch apart, it was only just.  All plans to grab the remote from him fled his mind.  All coherent thought in general, really, fled from his mind.  Without really meaning to, he thought about kissing him.  It was more of a mental image.  A flash, really.  A very vivid flash.

It would’ve taken almost no effort at all to close that tiny bit of distance.  

Josh stared at him quietly, eyes wide.  He glanced, just for a split second, down at Chris' mouth and licked his lips.  Chris almost said, “Stop that,” before catching himself, realizing it’d be admitting that it had an effect on him in the first place.  His heart was pounding in his ears.  He took advantage of Josh's distraction and swiped the remote out of his hand.  Then he put as much distance between them as possible short of jumping off the couch and running out of the apartment.

Josh laughed, a nervous edge to it.  "That was playing dirty."

"Hey, I got the remote, didn't I?"

He looked almost a little grumpy for a second, and Chris wondered if he’d made things weird with… whatever that had been just now.  The look on Josh’s face disappeared as quickly as it appeared, though, and once Chris was done having a small heart attack over hypothetical kisses the rest of the night proceeded as usual.  But it was there, nagging at the back of his mind, like this mental scab that oozed whenever he poked at it.

Not the most attractive way to look at thinking about kissing someone, but definitely an appropriate way to look at thinking about kissing someone other than the  _ person he was dating. _

They finally settled on watching Lord of the Rings.  It wasn’t Josh’s favorite movie trilogy, but he got a lot more cooperative after the remote fiasco.  

The evening stretched on, as it tended to do when it was spent marathoning three three and a half hour long movies.  Josh stretched his arms out over his head and let out a huge yawn.  It was cute, and Chris couldn’t stop a grin from spreading across his face.    

"Getting tired?"

"No, I've totally got this.  This is one Lord of the Rings marathon I'm gonna stay awake for."

"I’ve heard that before."

"I mean it this time.  I'm in it to win it, bro.”

~

By the time The Two Towers credits started rolling, Josh was snoring softly with his face half-buried in one of the couch cushions.

Chris chuckled and stood up quietly.  "In it to win it, huh?”

He went and grabbed a pillow and blanket from the hall closet.  There was no sense waking Josh up just to send him to bed.  Especially since, aside from its brush with an angry cat, it was a comfortable couch.  With a bit of very careful finessing, he got the pillow under Josh’s head.  He draped the blanket over him and tucked it in around his shoulders.

He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little jealous.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d fallen asleep that easily anywhere.  He wondered if Josh ever laid awake at night afraid to fall asleep, so tired he felt like the world was disintegrating around him.  He could probably ask, if that wouldn’t have meant fessing up to his own nightmares slash insomnia slash breakdown.

Somewhere between Josh’s shoulders and his eyelashes, Chris realized he’d been staring.  For way too long, probably.  He didn’t have to make excuses.  He had no one to make excuses  _ to _ .  He was standing there in the living room, Josh was asleep, the TV was off, and there was nothing to distract him from the fact that he might’ve been a little bit in love with Josh.

Maybe it had always been there, growing, just like it had with Ashley.  But that was just it, he loved Ashley.  This, whatever “this” was, didn’t change that.  It didn’t change much of anything, really, except for how it changed everything.  He couldn’t keep dating one person when he might have feelings for someone else too, could he?  And maybe this was nothing.  Maybe he could just say nothing about it, ever, and Ash would be none the wiser.  Except there was no way he could keep something like this from her.  He definitely had to tell her. It was going to eat at him if he didn’t, and she deserved to know something like that, right?

What if she got mad?  What if she ended up hating him?  That’d be pretty understandable, honestly, but the idea made him want to launch himself out the nearest window.

He looked back down at Josh, who was still sleeping peacefully, completely unaware that Chris was hovering over him having a breakdown.  For a minute, he felt like he was standing in that shed again, being forced to make an impossible choice.  He couldn’t stand the thought of losing either of them, then or now, but he had a feeling he was going to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up a little bit shorter, and the next couple might too, just because very important to me to cover all three perspectives for this next chunk of the story (because things are going to start popping off~)


	14. Chapter 14

Josh spent about the first forty-five minutes of wakefulness staring up at the ceiling.  What was he doing?  What was he really doing?

He'd had a good time with Ash and Chris that night.  That had been the plan, after all, to show them a good time.  It wasn't like he’d never gone out with them before.  It hadn't been any different than any of those times.

Except that it had.

This wasn't how this was supposed to work.  He wasn't supposed to feel this way.  Chris was with Ash, and Ash was with Chris.  Josh wasn't with either of them.  

Maybe taking them to the park had been a mistake.  He didn't exactly regret it, but going on a starlit stroll through an exotic garden with Chris was kind of like pouring gasoline onto a dumpster fire.  And that was fine, he was used to carrying that particular cross.  It all would’ve been fine, except he was pretty sure Chris was starting to something.  He’d been acting a little weird ever since and Josh was worried that he’d made things weird, taking them out on what was basically a date.  He’d wanted to do something nice for the two of them.  It had been easy to get swept up in the romantic atmosphere, too.  He hadn’t meant for that to happen, but it had.

Then there was last night…

For a second, he'd thought Chris was going to kiss him.  Even worse, he'd wanted him to.  Despite everything, despite trying his best to just ignore his feelings, despite the fact that Chris was dating  _ Ashley _ , he'd almost kissed Chris himself.  Chris had pulled away before he'd really had a chance to. They'd both laughed it off and moved on.  No harm done.

That night he'd dreamt he was walking through the lodge with a pair of scissors sticking dead center out of his chest.  A twisted up version of a memory that he felt he'd probably earned on some kind of cosmic level.  

The next morning he'd gotten dressed first thing and left the apartment before Chris even got up.  There was no way that wasn't going to seem a little weird, considering he wasn’t a morning person and Chris knew it, but he didn't care.  Every instinct screamed to get out before he ended up uncontrollably launching himself at Chris mouth first or something.  Not likely to happen, but why tempt fate?

He didn't really pay attention to where he was going at first beyond "away."  Once his body and his mouth were a safe distance away from Chris', he leveled out a little and started to think about things a little more rationally.  He felt like such an idiot.  Chris had been completely chill the night before after the not-kiss, which meant he either hadn't noticed how close he'd actually come to getting smooched or had noticed but was choosing not to make a big deal out of it.  Unlike Josh, who had made such a big deal out of it he'd gone sprinting out of the apartment at five in the morning.

He wasn't even usually out of  _ bed _ by five.  Or six.  Or seven.  Chris was going to wake up in a couple hours and wonder where the hell he was.  The only person making things unnecessarily weird here was Josh.  God, he just needed some time to get his head on straight.  

He decided to atone for the whole mess by going grocery shopping.  Not only would that hopefully paint him in a favorable light for remembering they needed food, but it also gave him an unlikely but still believable excuse for bolting out of the apartment.  He’d grab a few things and the time spent milling around staring at cereal would hopefully help him regain some level of chill.  Then he’d go home and everything would be fine and normal again.

But the universe must’ve really had it out for him.  If he hadn't already thought so based on the last couple of years, spotting a familiar face with blonde hair five minutes into his grocery run pretty much confirmed it.  

He couldn't handle running into Sam.  Not today.  Maybe not any day, ever again.  The thought made his chest hurt.

What would they even talk about?  

_ Hey, Sam, how's it going?  Remember when I chased you through the lodge and pretended I was going to kill you?  Good times. _

Not exactly his greatest moment.  “It seemed like a good idea at the time” didn’t even begin to cover a fuck-up of that magnitude.  Running into Sam in the grocery store wouldn’t just be awkward, it would be catastrophic.  

Josh’s plan, such as it was, was to avoid bumping into Sam at all costs.  When he’d first spotted her, it’d been from a distance.  He’d been at the entrance, and she’d been about four aisles down, over near the crackers.  All he’d seen was the side of her face and the back of her head.  He was  _ pretty _ sure she hadn’t seen him.  

He took a few slow, deep breaths to calm his nerves.  

It was a big grocery store.  Not huge, but fairly expansive.  Plenty of aisles to walk down that didn't have Sam in them.  As long as he kept his eyes peeled, he was pretty confident he could avoid her.  They’d just be two grocery shopping ships passing in the night.

Or, that would've been the case if the universe didn’t hate him.

After about forty-five minutes of successfully ducking and weaving through aisles and around discount displays, he was almost beginning to think he was in the clear.  Then he glanced across a mountain of pineapples only to find Sam staring right back at him from the other side of it.  When they made eye contact, a lot of things went through his mind, chief among them being “oh shit.”  

He'd thought about Sam a lot.  Thought a lot about what he could possibly do or say whenever they hypothetically met next that would make things right.  He'd never come up with anything.  None of it ever seemed like it'd be enough and he was still completely unprepared for the actual no-longer-hypothetical encounter.

Which was just as well, because Sam turned around and went walking off towards the bread aisle without a single word.  Josh stood there, surrounded by fruit, feeling frozen in place.  He wasn't sure how he’d expected that to go, but that... hadn't been it.  After a few more minutes of standing there like an idiot, he numbly wheeled his cart around to the front of the store, paid for his shit, and got out.

He spent the walk home feeling even worse than when he'd left that morning, which was the exact opposite of the intended effect of his trip.  

What else could he have expected, really?  Of course, Sam didn't want to speak to him.  He'd known that already.  Somehow, having it confirmed made it worse.  He hadn't just burnt that bridge, he'd nuked it from orbit.

Sam was a pretty forgiving person.  God knew between their whole friend group and the shenanigans they'd gotten up to over the years, she pretty much had to be to put up with any of them.  They could all tease her about being the mom friend all they wanted, but they’d all secretly loved that about her.  She'd call you out, sure, but she'd forgive you for just about anything.  That was just the kind of person she was.

Even she had to have a limit, though, and Josh was pretty sure he had the dubious honor of being the first one to hit it.  He deserved it and he knew it, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

After that, he was even less sure about facing Chris, but he had stuff that needed to get into a refrigerator.  Even if he hadn’t, it wasn't like he could avoid going home forever.  

He was kind of hoping that maybe Chris had forgotten the whole thing.  He was kind of hoping the ground would swallow him up on the way home and he just wouldn’t have to deal with it at all.

~

Chris was lounging on the couch when he got home, looking bedraggled and too tired for someone who had only been up a couple hours.

"Hey, where’ve you been?"

The whole point of going out had been so he’d have time to prepare for this, but Josh didn’t feel prepared.  Not after his weird non-encounter with Sam.  Not with the way Chris was looking at him now.  He didn't look angry, but he looked… disappointed?  Upset?  Josh had definitely made things weird.  Shit.

"Is it a crime to go out in the morning?"  It came out sharper than he meant it to, but he was anxious and on edge.  He had the market cornered on being prickly as a defense mechanism.

"Well, no, I just-- you're never out of your room that early, much less out of the apartment.  I thought maybe...  We're okay, right?"

Josh's tone softened.  "What?  Of course.  Why wouldn't we be?"

Chris chuckled nervously.  "I dunno."

"Look, it's-- nothing to do with-- anything, really.  I woke up feeling kind of antsy.  Thought a walk might help a little."  He raised the bags of groceries hanging from his arms.  "Decided to go get some stuff while I was out."

Mentioning he'd ran into Sam probably wasn't a great idea.  Chris’ argument with her was still a sore spot, he knew, and he already seemed bummed out enough as it was.  

A look of relief passed over Chris' face.  "Oh, I thought--  Okay, I'm not really sure what I thought.  I'm an idiot." 

“That makes two of us.  I forgot bread.”

The produce section of the store had been on the way to the bread aisle.  Once he’d ran into Sam, his fight-or-flight instinct had kicked into overdrive, with emphasis on flight.  It was a miracle he’d only forgotten the bread, honestly.

“That’s it,” Chris said solemnly.  “You’re fired.”

“See, this is why I don’t do the grocery shopping.  I’m not to be trusted.”

“It helps to take the list, you know.”

The list, which was still stuck to the front of the refrigerator with a magnet.  Yeah, that might’ve been useful.  Not unlike the situation with Sam, though, Josh had been so desperate to get out and away that he hadn’t even looked at the fridge or anything else before he’d left.  He’d just gone straight from his bedroom door to the front door and booked it.  

He felt like a real asshole about it now.  Especially if Chris had spent the morning thinking he’d stormed off in a huff or something.  He didn’t want Chris to think he was pissed that he hadn’t been receptive to the almost-kissing.  He didn’t want to be that guy.  Besides, if he was angry at anyone today, it was himself.  Chris hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Like I said, not to be trusted.  I would’ve invited you along, but grocery shopping that early in the morning when you have classes later probably wouldn’t have been fun times.”

“True,” Chris mused, “but I probably would’ve remembered the bread.”

“Let the bread go.  When’s the last time you even made a sandwich?”

“A couple days ago?  That’s how bread disappears, Josh.”

“Uh.  Right.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah.”  He put the grocery bags down on the coffee table so he could sit beside Chris for a second.  “I just went a little stir crazy, I guess.”

“I think that’s been going around.”

He was so desperate to change the subject his skin felt like it was trying to march off his body.  If they could just get past this -- whatever “this” was -- he was positive everything would turn out alright.  He just needed to restrain his urge to act like some kind of lovesick lunatic until then.  The more distance they put between themselves and last night, the better.

“Talk to Ash today?”

“Yeah, actually.  I’m gonna go over to her place again in a couple days.  Maybe spend the night… again.”

“Nice.”  Josh grinned, and he didn’t even have to fake it.  He was very pro-Chris inhabiting Ashley’s spaces.  “You know, if you keep going over to her place, you might have to start thinking about keeping a toothbrush over there.”

Chris blanched.  “I don’t know.  I don’t want to get ahead of myself.”

“Ahead of yourself?” Josh scoffed.  “It’s just a toothbrush, bro, not marriage.  Besides, you’re pretty much locked in.”

He almost looked like he wanted to debate it and Josh resisted the urge to shake his head.  Chris had been in love with Ashley for so long, he was pretty sure he was expecting the relationship to pop like some kind of dream bubble.  He could kind of see where he was coming from.  In his experience, if something felt too good to be true, it usually was… but what Chris and Ashley had, that was something real and lasting.  He really believed that, which was pretty huge for a chronic pessimist such as himself.

“I’m not going to move in with her, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

That wasn’t what he’d meant, at all, but…  “I mean, you might eventually.  That’s what people do, right?”

“Which people?”

“I don’t know.  People.  What’s with this fear of commitment all of a sudden?”

Chris had been totally committed to Ash before they'd even started dating.  Just a couple nights ago, he'd looked so lovestruck Josh was half-surprised he hadn't proposed to her right there in the garden.  What had changed since then?

“It’s not fear, really,” he said with a shrug.  “I guess, it’s just-- it’s hard to know what’ll happen in the future, you know?”

He did know.  Was this the stuff that’d been eating at him, lately?  Existential dread?  Worrying about whether or not things were going to work out?

Chris and Ash living together was the natural progression of events, right?  It made sense.  He'd be lying if he said he wouldn't miss having Chris in his living space on a daily basis, but he'd never expected him to stick around forever anyway, and he didn’t want him to feel like he had to.  Josh didn't need a babysitter.  He wasn't going to revert into some wild cannibal if left unsupervised for more than five minutes.

"Ah, forget it.  I'm just being dumb.  I had some… weird dreams and it's got me kinda on edge."

This was it.  One of those fabled opportunities to try to get Chris to open up without seeming too pushy about it.  

"Want to... talk about it?"

"Thanks, but I’m not really sure that it'd help.  I just need to clear my head, you know?"

"See, that's why I went grocery shopping."

"Did it help?"

Josh thought about Sam.  "Uh, yeah.  It did.”

When had he gotten so bad at lying?  There’d been a time when he’d been pretty good at it.  At the rate he was going, he was going to have to give up and start being  _ honest _ about things.  There was a scary concept.

"Do you… ever have nightmares?"

"You're gonna have to be a little more specific.  What kind of nightmares?"

“Stuff that's like... just jumbled up weird shit.  Memories, sometimes, but they’re all twisted around.  Things happen, but not the way you remember them."  He laughed halfheartedly.  Not even half-heartedly.  Was there a word for less heartedly than that?  “Or they  _ are _ the way you remember them.”

He thought about that nightmare he’d had awhile back.  He still felt a little weirded out sometimes if he was in the kitchen when it was late and he was tired.  Had that one been a memory?  If it had, he wasn’t sure how much of it was actual memory and how much had, like Chris said, been twisted around.  Maybe he was better off not knowing.  

That wasn’t even getting into last night’s scissors.  He didn’t need to analyze that one too hard to know where it had come from.

"Sometimes.  You’ve been having them?"

"Yeah."

The silence hung between them, but Chris had said more about it than he had pretty much ever, so Josh felt like he could ask, "How bad?"

"Pretty bad."

He wished he could offer him some kind of advice.  For him, the nightmares had never really stopped, but he just sort of became numb to them.  He wasn’t sure telling someone to dissociate and emotionally distance themselves from their fears was ideal life advice.

"What do you do?  When you have them?"

"Besides run to the grocery store?"  

"Yeah, besides that."

Josh shrugged.  "I dunno, man.  I just try not to dwell on them.  They aren't real."

"Easier said than done."

"I know, but that's all I've got, bro.  I don't have better advice.  Wish I did."

They sat there quietly for a long time until the silence started to make Josh feel uncomfortable.  “Hey, come on.  I’ll make you something to eat before you head out.  Anything you want.”

“What if I want a sandwich?” Chris mused.

“Anything that doesn’t require bread.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, writing the encounter with Sam emotionally eviscerated me.
> 
> Anyway! In the next couple of chapters things are finally going to Get Discussed. The fic is quite a ways off from being over still, but the slow-burning OT3 build-up? Is going to get....... faster burning. I am writer person with many good words.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy, this took awhile to get edited and posted it! Apologies but at one point I basically had _two_ versions of the chapter and basically had to condense them into one individual chapter and also life is a butt. Sorry that this one is so short, but on the bright side, things are Happening!

Chris had been acting weird lately.  At first, Ashley thought it was his sleeping problems -- and his nightmares -- getting to him, but she was beginning to think it was something else.  He hadn’t been avoiding her.  He hadn’t been ignoring her calls or texts.  Things seemed like they were going well between them, but there was just… something off.  He was nervous about something and doing a bad job of hiding it, and it was starting to make  _ her _ nervous.

Maybe she was just being stupid.  Anxiety had a way of blowing things out of proportion and she’d never really been in a serious relationship before.  It was probably normal to worry about dumb stuff from time to time, right?  It was fine.  It didn’t mean anything was wrong.

Then she got the phone call.

She didn’t know what, but something bad had happened or was happening.  He’d sounded upset.  Maybe upset wasn’t the right word for it.  Worried, maybe.  It set off all sorts of alarm bells in her mind.  He wouldn’t tell her what it was, though.  He had to talk to her about it in person, he’d said. 

“Can I come over tonight?”

“Yeah, of course.” 

In the hours between the call and him actually get there, her anxiety cooked up a million different things that could be wrong.  She felt silly about it.  It was probably something totally innocent and she’d laugh later about how worked up she let herself get over it, but in the back of her mind, she couldn't shake the feeling that maybe it  _ was _ something.  When Chris showed up on her doorstep, it confirmed it.  

He tried his best to play it cool, but this was  _ Chris _ .  Subterfuge wasn’t his strong point, and he was doing a terrible job of hiding how nervous he was.  It caused this sort of feedback loop of anxiety between the two of them that just got worse and worse the longer they sat on her couch dancing around it.  She couldn’t stand it.

“So, um, what was it that you wanted to talk about?”

Chris looked ready to throw up or pass out.  Or ready to throw up  _ then _ pass out.

"I, uh, wanted to talk about Josh, actually."

"Josh?" Ashley echoed.  Whatever she’d been expecting, she’d thought it’d be something about the two of them.  That threw her off.  It also worried the hell out of her.  "Why?  Is he okay?  Did something--"

"No.  No, Josh is fine.  Nothing... nothing bad happened, exactly."

"So then, what's wrong?"

"God, I'm not even sure how to say this," Chris sighed.  "It was a lot easier in front of my bathroom mirror.  Well, okay, no, it wasn't, but it didn’t feel like  _ this _ .”

She reached out and rubbed his back.  "Chris, whatever it is... it's okay.  Take your time."

If nothing had happened, why was he so freaked out?  About Josh specifically?  She didn’t want to push him, but the longer the conversation went without Chris actually telling her what was wrong, the more time it gave her to think of every worst-case scenario.

"I'm... not even really sure where to start.  Me and Josh were hanging out the other night, watching movies...  Just the usual stuff, you know?  It wasn’t anything special-- or, I mean-- it was just a normal night.  And... he decided to hog the DVD player remote and-- and things got a little, uh, heated."

“Heated?”

Chris kept going.  She wasn’t even sure if he’d heard her.  Now that he’d started talking, it was just pouring out of him now.  "So I,  um-- I made a grab for it and we wrestled around, and...  God, I don't know, there was something about the way he looked at me that made me feel... something."

Oh.

"You know, he was there and I was there and..."   


“And you… kissed him.”

Chris shook his head.  “That’s the thing, I didn’t.  Ash, I didn’t.  I thought about it-- I mean, I didn’t-- I didn’t think about  _ actually _ doing it, but… I think I kind of wanted to.”

“Oh.”

That wasn’t so bad, right?  He hadn’t done anything.  Nothing had actually happened.  Thinking about doing something wasn’t the same as actually going through with it.  Then again, if he was telling her about it in the first place, it had to mean something.  He wouldn’t be this eaten up about it if it was just some random stray thought he’d had.  It was significant enough that he’d felt like he had to tell her, which meant it wasn’t nothing. 

She hated how not surprised she was.  Of course, Chris cared about Josh.  Of course, there were deeper feelings there.  They’d known each other for years -- their whole lives, practically.  She felt like an idiot for ever thinking she could compete with something like that.  She wasn’t sure she  _ wanted _ to compete with it.  Josh had feelings for Chris.  If Chris had feelings for Josh, too, then was it really right for her to try to stand in the way?

She must’ve not done a very good job at hiding her reaction, because Chris said, “Ash,  _ nothing _ happened.  I swear.  I would never do that to you!  I’m not even sure why I even…  This whole thing is dumb.  I’m an idiot.  I-- maybe I shouldn’t have even said anything.  It doesn’t mean anything.”

It did, though.  It meant something.  If there was a non-awkward way to ask the next question she didn't know it.  She wasn’t sure that she was going to like the answer, but she had to know.  

"Do you... love him?”

He didn’t answer right away.  “It’s Josh.  Of course, I love him.”

“Yeah, I mean obviously you do, but, like... romantically?” 

“I don’t know?  Maybe?  I-- I guess.  I... might.”  

They both fell silent.  Chris looked absolutely miserable.  

"Did you tell him?"

"Which part?” Chris asked softly.  “That I thought about kissing him or that I might be in love with him?"

“Either?  Both?”

“No.  I-- I didn’t even  _ realize _ I felt this way.  And... I felt like I should talk to you about it.  Ash, I love you.  Whatever was going through my head… I don’t-- I don’t plan on acting on it or anything.  It just didn’t feel… right?  Not to tell you about it.  And besides, it doesn’t even matter.  I mean, I’m-- I’m not even sure if he feels-- that way.”

She was.  

She loved Chris.  She wanted to be with him.  But she wanted him to be happy, too.  She didn’t want him to stay with her just because he felt like he had to or because he didn’t want to hurt her.  As much as it’d kill her to let him go, she didn’t want to hang on to him if he didn’t want to be hung onto.  That wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

Her eyes stung.  “You need to talk to him.”

Chris balked.  “What?”

“If you have feelings for him, like-- serious feelings…  You need to talk to him about it.  You can’t just pretend they don’t exist.”

“I don’t even know for sure if they’re serious feelings, Ash.  What even qualifies as ‘serious feelings,’ you know?  I--”

“Chris.  Please, just stop.”

"Ash."  His tone was pleading, desperate.  

She hated hearing him like that.  It made her want to just say it didn't matter, that he was probably right and it was probably nothing, hug him and go on like nothing had ever happened.  He’d probably drop it if she did.  Things would continue like they had.  They might even still be able to be happy together.  She could just pretend this whole night had ever happened.  But she knew she couldn't, not really.

"Are we--" His voice wavered a little.  "Are we breaking up?"

Her throat felt tight.  "Is that... what you want?"

"No!"

She took a deep breath.  "Then no, but you have to talk to Josh, Chris.  Whatever's between you two, you need to try to figure it out."

"You're right, I guess, but I-- where does that leave us?"

“I-- I don’t know.”

“Ash, I love you.”

“I love you, too.  And that’s why I want you to do this.  Don’t hold back because of me.”

“That’s not-- I’m not--”

It was a weird day when Ash felt like the calm one.  "Look, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, but you need to go.  You need to tell him how you feel, and the rest... the rest we can figure out later, okay?  Just please go."

"I-- okay, yeah."

She gave him an encouraging smile and surged forward, wrapping her arms around him.  He squeezed her back enthusiastically.

"Call me later.  Or tomorrow, if that's better.  Just take care of things with Josh, okay?"

“Yeah.  Yeah, okay.”

When he left, she felt like her strings had been cut.  She was exhausted.  Physically, emotionally.  She could’ve gotten hit by a truck at that point and it probably wouldn’t have fazed her much.

If she was being honest with herself, she kind of half-expected Chris to break up with her right then and there.  She knew Chris loved her, but she knew he loved Josh, too.  He might not have been sure, but she’d seen what a mess he’d been about it.  She knew she’d probably done the right thing, telling him to go.  She wanted him to be happy.  She wanted Josh to be happy, too.

There was a bucket of ice cream sitting towards the back of her freezer that she’d been saving for a rainy day or, at least, a metaphorical rainy day and she was pretty sure tonight qualified.  It was comfort food, and she was in need of a little comforting.  She grabbed it and headed to her bedroom, where she proceeded to flop onto her bed, dig out her laptop, and settle in for a long night of ice cream and Netflix.  

Part of her wanted to text Sam, or maybe Matt, just to have someone to talk to about all this.  Another part of her dreaded the thought of trying to explain the situation.  She wasn’t even sure that going over all of it again would make her feel any better and she didn’t want to put anyone in the middle of… whatever her, Chris, and Josh had going on right now.  All of her friends were also  _ their _ friends, so it’d be awkward.  She thought about calling someone just to take her mind off of it all, but she wasn’t sure she trusted herself to be able to act like everything was okay and that just put her right back at square one.

Eventually, even Netflix stopped being entertaining and she could only eat so much ice cream if she didn’t want to spend the rest of her night regretting her life choices.  God, she felt so restless.  It was like wanting to rip off a band-aid.  She wanted Chris to take as much time as he needed, but she also just wanted it all over with.  Even if they hadn’t broken up, what if Chris decided Josh was the one he wanted to be with?  That’s what was going to happen, wasn’t it?  She knew she needed to be patient, but she just wanted to know.  It’d probably suck, but at least she’d know for sure where she stood and could move on from there.

She wondered what Josh would think about all this.  Would he hesitate to make a move with Chris?  She had a hard time imagining Josh holding back from doing anything he had his heart set on, but he’d already held off this long.  Was he just scared to or had it been because of her?  Had he seen her as an obstacle all this time?  

She and Josh had been getting along so well lately.  Things were probably going to be weird between them after this.  If they were even still friends after this.

Ashley flung herself back on her pillows and sighed loudly at her ceiling.  This whole situation just sucked.  For so many reasons, and the possibility of losing Chris was just one of them.  She didn’t want to lose Josh either, she realized.  They’d all been through so much together and they’d come so far.  

She didn’t want to lose any of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Insert obligatory "everything is going to be okay" here. I know this fic is taking me approximately ten years to write, but I promise you that it'll all work out.


End file.
